Moonshine & Wanderlust

... a cosmopolitan view from a southern perspective

Bikini Blues

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This week puts me at six weeks out from one of the biggest things I have ever set out to do. It may seem silly to some people, but I haven’t set such a lofty goal for myself since graduating college. If you see me staring off into space chances are I am not thinking about my love life, but I am thinking about prepping for my competition. Or, I am thinking about food. Working hard, keeping a strong mental game… it’s consumed my every day life. For now. It’s not permanent and I am very glad to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and to resume a more normal life, but for now this is the most important thing I have going on.

I have had to make time to rest, I have had to say no to going out and doing things, I have had to sacrifice a lot… No one has asked me to do this, but I have chosen to do it. I am learning big lessons in self discipline and self control and I don’t think I ever would have learned them if I had not decided to enter this competition.

After a restful holiday weekend and getting back on track with getting good amounts of sleep, I want to hit on a few aspects I’ve been thinking about the past couple of weeks but honestly have been too tired to write about.

 

Food – (duh, of course this is gonna be first):

Some days I feel like Veruca Salt… “Cream buns and doughnuts and fruitcake with no nuts
So good you could go nuts…” Forget the golden goose and all that – just gimme all the sweets. I find myself perusing the aisles of my local shopping haunts just to lust after the packaged goods. I find myself thinking about what everything tastes like and the texture and the smell. I guess I am learning to appreciate my senses, right? I also have found myself wanting to eat things I never have before or didn’t think I would like, etc. I suppose it’s the whole “you can’t have this” so you want it philosophy.

In ways, it has gotten easier. But, in other ways it is getting extremely difficult. I am so close, but I have  deprived myself so long of certain things that I spend a lot of time thinking about eating anything and everything I can’t eat. It’s not really a good place to be – that’s why prep is temporary.

I have a few things that I am planning on enjoying… Part of my traveling posse is coming up the evening before I leave for Memphis to go grocery shopping with me for a few goodies. Right now I know the three things that are on my list:

Reeses

Brownie Batter Oreos

Pizza (remember, I’m having it shipped from Giordanos in Chicago. Yes, I am crazy.)

Oh, and a VENTI Starbucks. Immediately after the show is over. Gimme dat Sbux!

One of my friends going is also making me some type of decadent Reeses brownies so there’s that. I know I’m probably going to have a real bad tummy ache, so I am going to genuinely just try to have a few bites of each thing and not go crazy. I’ve read too many stories about post show rebound and I’m not wanting to experience that in any way.

I have learned so much and know enough that I am cautious but not worried about my eating habits post-show. I’m looking forward to setting new goals in the gym and eating to fuel my body.

The Whys:

Someone said to me recently, “Why a bikini competition? Do you really need to get in a bikini in front of a bunch of strangers to have them tell you you’re pretty? I can do that for you without you having to go to all that trouble.” WHUT. If anyone thinks I am doing this to be told I’m “pretty”, you really don’t know me and/or you really have no idea what a fitness competition entails.

First of all – I am a naturally very shy person. I’m an introvert (an INTJ for you Myers Briggs lovers) and it takes me awhile to come out of my shell with people. It takes a lot of time and me being comfortable. And, while I’m a lover of a good selfie and OOTD (outfit of the day) picture I don’t post a bunch of pictures of my body all over the internet, etc. That’s just not who I am. There’s nothing wrong with that, in my eyes, but I choose not to do that at this point.

This is not an ego stroke or a self esteem boost. I don’t know why anyone would put themselves through the literal hell, at times, of prep just to be told they’re pretty or they have a good body. Think about it. A normal competition prep is usually at least 12 weeks (I’ve been doing it longer), you are very restricted on food for the most part (carbs, anyone?), it’s expensive (suit, tan, shoes, jewelry, entry fees, membership fees, hotel, travel, gas, etc.), it’s isolating at times, you are in the gym at least 6 days a week and towards the end you are in there two or more times a day, and the hardest part… it’s a mental mind game. If you need to be told you’re pretty in a bikini, go throw one on and head down to your local bar. This is a fitness competition, not a who has the biggest … well, anyway.

I want to raise more awareness of what these competitions represent because I can understand what people think they are about… but it’s so much more than that. Even if I get up there and don’t place, I am getting up there to be judged on the work I have put in for hours. It’s a reflection of how strong I can be, how hard I have worked, how I have fallen down but gotten back up and tried again. I was very hurt when someone close to me told me they didn’t support me and believed what I was doing was not “Godly.” The Bible tells us our body is a temple – the Bible tells us not to be gluttons – Daniel fasted and ate only certain foods to draw closer to God. The Bible warns us against being drunkards, giving away our bodies, and defiling them. The Bible is full of examples of how important our physical bodies are to Christ. I have chosen to better my body that God gave me… it’s healthy, I have the ability to change it and to watch what I put inside of it – and far beyond the physical changes I have seen I have had so many more emotional and life changes because of this journey (more on that in another section).

This prep has taken everything out of me, twisted it around, put it back together, and is still hard every single day. I have learned so much about myself – I feel like I could do anything. I know I can do anything I set my mind to. I have seen too many good things and really had to learn to trust God so much in these past few weeks that I can’t imagine it not being a spiritual journey as well as a physical one.

I never set out on my fitness path to do a bikini competition. That was never a thought – I didn’t even know what they were! I set out to be a better me, to get my body fit and in shape, and to change my life. The competition was a by-product of that and gave me a huge goal to set for myself in so many areas. Once the competition is over, I will continue to set new goals and train. This is just a slice of the pie. PIE! Food… see, it always happens.

The Negatives:

It’s really been interesting that the amount of negative things have almost completely gone away from outside sources. I think people who doubted my intentions or doubted I would follow through have since realized differently and they have either fallen by the wayside or they are supporting me 100%. I feel extremely fortunate to have the support system I do, but more on that later.

Obviously, negatives are I am tired and hungry. I hit a wall about a week ago with my sleep and was told by a few key people in my life right now that I had to sleep or I was going to do myself more harm than good. So, getting my sleep has been top priority for me behind training and hitting my macro goals.

Washing dishes?! Yes, this is stupid but for real… I can only wash so many more Tupperware containers. I don’t have a dishwasher and my manicures are suffering.

Going to the gym more than once a day. I think it’ll be fine to go more than once every now and then, maybe, but once prep is over… once a day will be juuuuuuuust fine.

I know by following IIFYM I can really eat “anything” as long as it fits in my macro count, but I have gotten to the place where I’ve really tried to cut out the treats and just save my “fun” macros for peanut butter or a Lenny and Larry’s cookie or something like that. I’m apprehensive of fitting too many donuts or Starbucks in at this point. That works for some people, but for this being my first show and for having some of the binge eating episodes I have had, I just want to really try and keep things locked down until the end.

That being said – it’s been very difficult to go to fun social events or go out of town and watch other people eat cupcakes or ice cream or snack all day and have to constantly refrain or say no. It’s wearing on me. But, the end is near…

The Positives:

I saved this for last because it’s my favorite. No one can tell me God has not has His hand completely in my life the past several months. From the emotional and mental changes to the physical… I know I wouldn’t have been able to come this far without relying on my God.

One of the goals my therapist set for me this summer was to get out and meet more people and try to make more friends. This isn’t something I’ve really elaborated on, but I feel like this just shows how things can work together. I’ve always been someone who waited until someone wanted to be friends with me first. I’ve never sought out relationships of any kind. Of course I could get down into the whys of this but that’s not something I’m touching on today. The point is since that conversation with her I have made more new friendships or really started to get to know people I didn’t know that well before. I have had more support from people that I never would have thought would have supported me or even knew who I was than I could ever have imagined.

I get daily text messages of encouragement from so many people or I will see someone out in town and they will say just the smallest bit of encouragement to me… they have no idea how I cling to these jewels right now. Those things get me through. They give me strength. That’s why I am such a proponent now of telling people things when you want to – don’t think “Oh, they’ve heard that. Oh, someone else is telling them that.” NO. Tell them. Encourage them. You have no idea if your words are the very ones that gets someone to make a better decision, or to turn away from something harmful, or just get them through another day.  

People will come up to my and ask me about what I’ve been doing, ask me questions about the competition. It’s become easier for me to start to come out of that shell I had around myself and engage with those around me. Partly because I feel completely comfortable with myself now but also because I realize that not everyone is out to get me or sabotage me and friendships and learning and growing through other people is a really wonderful, God given thing.

There are a couple of women in my life I have met recently that have become rocks in this journey and I know we will continue to develop friendships after October, but their advice and walking along beside me is sometimes the only thing that gets me through a day.

I have met so many awesome people and learned from them… They inspire me. The people I have met in the fitness industry and those who are heavily into this lifestyle are some of the nicest, most genuine, and kind people I have ever met in my life. I would have thought the opposite before I got into all of this, but I have found no jealousy, no competitive comments, no judgments… only lifting up, encouragement, help, advice, and complete acceptance.

People who were my friends but have since disappeared out of my life or laughed off my goals or admitted they feel I am competition to them… those are sad moments for me, but I realize those chapters are over. Some I have had to close myself and it’s not something the old Patty Lauren would have done. It would have killed me to shut doors completely, but I can do it now because I am strong and I am learning a little bit more what is and isn’t beneficial to my future.

People who I didn’t think would support me or maybe I have had bumpy moments with have stepped up, told me how proud they are of me, been incredibly supportive, genuinely interesting in what is going on… It just goes to show you really cannot judge how someone is going to react. Sometimes the very people we think will abandon us are the ones who give us those pep talks and bits of encouragement that we need.

—

Entering the home stretch… hard days are every day as I face temptations and challenges and try to keep focused, but no matter what… everything I have gained outweighs every sacrifice. Caitlin, my trainer, always tell me: “Finish strong!!” She’s full of good quotes but that is one of my favorites and one I have to keep reminding myself of.

Regardless of what came before or of what has yet to come, what matters most is how you choose to respond to the challenge in front of you. Will you lie down or will you fight? The choice is yours. Choose to Finish Strong! -Dan Green

Cold Turkey

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“Free cheese is always available in mousetraps.” – Unknown

Do you ever try to bargain with yourself? You know – “I’ll just have a small slice of this chocolate cake”, “I’ll just have one drink,” “I’ll go workout tomorrow.” We all have. Some of us are better bargainers than others. I’ve played that game with myself for years. Usually it’s where relationships are concerned. We all have our bargaining weak spots – relationships, food, working out, alcohol, etc. It’s a power play against our will and our weaknesses.

Recently I needed to stop at the grocery store to pickup 3 things: egg whites, tuna, and a sweet potato. I only had $3 in cash because I lost my debit card (more on that story coming another day – it involves running out of gas. Don’t ask.) so I was having to be very selective in my purchases. Somehow between the tuna and the egg whites my body found itself on this aisle:

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I think they purposely put this type of stuff on the end of the aisle so you can’t help but see it and stop when you walk by. Let me preface all this to say I don’t think I have EVER bought a whole package of Oreos to keep at my house. I don’t keep sweets in my house, period. Maybe some chocolate but that’s it. I enjoy baking and cooking but I’m not someone who has a snack cabinet or anything like that. However, s’mores are one of my favorite little treats ever (I went through a phase where I had one every night before bed) and I am extremely intrigued by these s’mores Oreos. I’m more of a Reeses gal myself, but these days anything and everything hydrogenated and sugary is looking reeeeeeal good.

You see, when you dial certain things down or completely out of your life sometimes there is this thing that rears its ugly head. That little thing is called temptation. Ah, yes. Whether it’s my body tempting me to eat a whole package of Oreos or my mind tempting me to sabotage my sanity, temptation is rampant. And, even more so when you are trying to be “good.” Whatever that means to you. The temptation is always 1,000% stronger and harder to fight when you are on the straight and narrow. This could apply to hundreds of things – pick your personal poison.

If you read Gone Girl you know I am following the IIFYM (If It Fits Your Macros) lifestyle right now. Love it. Could I eat a few Oreos and stay on track? Absolutely. Could I eat a few Oreos and stop there? Eeehhh. Not on this particular night. I would probably have bargained with myself and eaten way more than a few and then told myself I’d make it up some other way. I know myself pretty well these days and weak PL was looking at those s’mores Oreos like she looks at a new pair of high heels on sale.

So – I walked away. I said no. I didn’t bargain. Because, bargaining often leads to losing. I’ve come too far to tempt myself. Do I eat sweets? Of course. But, I stay within my macros. Am I going to do this forever? Probably not, but I have some super specific goals right now and I have worked far too hard and far too long to bargain my way into a few moments of pleasure. Because, isn’t that really what temptation and bargaining with ourselves is about? A few moments of pleasure for something that won’t last? Something that feels good in the moment but ultimately leaves us feeling empty and more broken than before?

Cutting bad things out of your life is never easy. Sometimes we try to keep “a little” bit to hang on to – because it feels good, because it’s comfortable, because we’re having a bad day and a “little bit” of our old life makes a feel a little better. Temporarily.

Unfortunately, the real temptations in life for most of us aren’t food but are things that are more damaging to our mental and emotional well being than our physical well being. They hurt our hearts and impede our growth. We take ten steps forward only to look back in a moment of weakness and wake up to find ourselves five steps backwards. For most of my adult life when I have found myself in these types of situations it has taken me a long time to finally get to the cold turkey point. I waver, I struggle, I bargain, and I “what if” and “maybe if” in my mind until I’m physically exhausted.

Once I get to the point of never looking back something always clicks inside of me. Once I’m done, I’m done. Are there moments of temptation? Absolutely. Are there moments of struggle? Yes. But, they get so much easier. Promise. It’s worth it – to not look back, to not give in, to stand your ground, to be strong – to find out who you REALLY are, not who you think you’re supposed to be.

When you’re tempted to go back “just a little” to something that you know you are going to have a difficult time picking yourself up from – run the other way. Remember why you have moved on. Remember why you started. Remember why you are stronger than you were before.

There are no “do-overs” in this life – don’t waste your days on weakness. You are stronger than you could ever imagine if you just remember to not give up, give in, or give out.

Little Victories

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This week was hard. Emotionally. Physically. I have been physically exhausted for almost two weeks… nothing has changed in my routine but I find days where I can barely keep my eyes open and my body is just plum drained (like that Southernism?) My chest has been tight and it’s almost like I can’t get a good breath. I don’t know what’s going on – we’ll blame it on a couple late nights and too much sun. That’s what summer is about, right? Right.

Thankfully, this weekend has been a much needed mix of productivity and relaxation. When my mind slows down too much I start thinking too much and that just leads to trouble. So, here I sit watching one of my all time favorite TV shows – the classic Charlie’s Angels (can we just have a moment of silence for how beautiful they all were? Hair envy, clothes envy… I was born in the wrong decade) – and finding renewal and hope in small victories.

It’s easy to get consumed with all of the things that could be better, are wrong, make us sad, make life difficult, etc. As humans we tend to be experts on zeroing in on the one or two things that aren’t going our way and forget about the dozens of things that are good. But, there is so much that IS good.

This week I did something I’ve never done before – I went to the gym alone. Let me clarify – I go to the gym plenty alone but it’s only to run on the treadmill or go to a class. I have never, ever gone alone to do any type of lifting or other activity. It used to terrify me to even think about it. Not many people know this about me but I really don’t like doing stuff by myself. It sounds stupid, I know. Especially living alone and being single. But, it’s not my first choice. I’d much rather have someone with me to go places or do things – even the mundane stuff like go to the grocery store. Obviously, I’ve learned to function and I do plenty of things alone. But, there are still areas where I cringe to think of flying solo and the gym has long been one of them.

So, Saturday morning I was the first one at the gym and I plugged away at my circuits and I even asked for help. Instead of not doing something or being scared to ask, I asked for help and I actually got some really helpful information. And, I killed my workout like a boss – gym creepers and all!

Sunday morning came and I did something I haven’t done in a very long time. I went to church alone. I couldn’t tell you the last time that happened. Was it scary? Yes. Did I survive and was it worth it? Yes. It was another little victory.

You may be reading this and have no problem going to the gym alone or going to church alone. But, maybe you struggle in other areas. Maybe you have a hard time speaking up, or saying no, or maybe you let other people make you feel guilty…

I’ve been reading a book the past week – Stronger Than You Think: Becoming Whole Without Having to be Perfect – and there is so much I want to share with you about it but one of the resonating themes is being our whole, authentic selves. And, when we let pesky things like fear creep into our lives and restrict us we are not being our whole God made beings. It’s not just a disservice to ourselves but those around us. We are not being entirely authentic. I hope my readers feel I am authentic with them. I feel so much encouragement from your words – you help me be a better person.

As we go through the motions of our week it is easy to become stuck in a rut and focus on the things that make our lives even more mundane or difficult. But, what if we chose something each week to conquer – even if it something small? We come closer to being whole. We focus on becoming better, striving harder to become closer to who we are authentically. We come closer to achieving our goals and following our passions.

If you find yourself having a hard day don’t let it get you down. Try to focus on the good you have in your life – the blessings you have, the love you have, the friends you have. Focus on looking outward – to helping others around you. Giving them encouragement or helping pick them up when they are down. And, don’t let small victories in your life go unnoticed. Celebrate them. Be proud of them – for they are what make you strong.

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Who Are You Doing It For

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ae5e86562c5b4e65bfa4b47a9b30b6f9 Over the past three months I have gotten a lot of freely given feedback from friends, family, strangers, etc. about my lifestyle changes. I’ve gotten plenty of negative comments and continue to receive them, but I have become pretty good about either tuning it out or laughing. Because, I’m not doing this for anyone but myself. If I was doing it to please other people or to gain some sort of accolade from another person I would have given up or stopped a long time ago. Because, sure, the compliments are nice and sometimes they do give you a boost in motivation but at the end of the day the only person I’m going to sleep with is myself and I have to get up every morning of my life and look at myself in the mirror and face HER. My only competition.

Why did I start? Honestly, I started because I was depressed. I woke up one day and I was tired of feeling the way I was feeling and I knew I could handle my situation in ways I had before – by sleeping too much, crying too much, wallowing in my misery, eating a whole pizza alone, or I could CHANGE. The tears still came but they came while I was working out. I still hurt but I hurt when I was in yoga class. I refused to be home moping around when I could be a better me. Not just for myself but for others around me.

I’ll be the first to admit at first I didn’t do everything the “right” way at first. There were weeks I didn’t eat and when I did eat it was just enough to get by. Not that I do everything right now, either, but I am much more healthy in general as I try to accomplish goals I’ve set. I know what to eat and what not to eat and I’ve learned the importance of not just what I eat but when I eat. It’s a daily learning process and I love it.

Another big thing for me that has changed is I can ask for help now and not feel like a complete failure. I can admit I don’t know what I’m doing and be open to learning. I got a personal trainer at the end of April, right after my half marathon (I still can’t believe I did that – eek!), to help me with my goals. I have pictures of certain goals I want to reach and my trainer is the only one who has seen them and she’ll stay the only one to see them. I’ve gotten a little sensitive when people say I’m skinny. That’s not my goal but I can’t sit down and have that conversation with everyone. I think the nicest thing I’ve been told since I’ve started this journey is that I look happy. Because, I AM! I have bad days just like everyone else and I struggle with things like everyone else but I can say I am genuinely happy with my life.

The biggest change I’ve made is not in my working out and what I do in the gym, but my food. You know that saying – abs are made in the kitchen. It’s true. I love my food… It’s a whole experience for me. And, it still is but I get to reserve those decadent moments for special occasions. I wasn’t a horrible eater before but I have completely changed everything. I eat an extremely clean diet and I hate the term cheat meals. I don’t toe the line all week to stuff my face one night a week. If I get invited to dinner or go out with friends and I want a burger – I’ll get one. I may alter a couple of things but I certainly don’t deprive myself. It took me months to get to that point though. My personality is one that when I do something I have to do it to the extreme sometimes so to give myself that leeway has been a huge personal accomplishment. I don’t worry one dinner or meal is going to cause all of my effort to crumble. I pickup exactly where I was before and keep going.

I could go on all day about what I do and don’t do but the point is – you have to do it for yourself. Not for your family or your friends or boyfriend or husband. You have to want it so bad it’s your priority. Because as corny as it is, it is a lifestyle change. It’s not a temporary diet or a cleanse or to do it for your bikini – it is your LIFE. Make it your best life because you only get one! 9a36bf29af291a559a7003e410487497

Don’t Be Afraid

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“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

If you’ve been reading for awhile you know I am a proponent of not just of physical, spiritual, and emotional well being but also of mental well being. I struggled for a long time with anxiety and have found myself in a very peaceful place in my life. Most days, anyway. Some days are still incredibly difficult. But, that’s why I believe in tending to that part of my life just like all the others – patiently and diligently. Taking it day by day.

Recently during a deep talk I was trying to express some thoughts I was having about a certain situation where I felt complete rejection and abandonment. I wasn’t speaking my thoughts very well but the person I was talking to was able to speak back to me what I was trying to share with her – and went on to expound on it – and I found myself covering my face, crying. She said to me the things I knew in my heart but couldn’t speak with my mouth. And, it hit so deep inside of me the only thing that could come out were tears.

I have certain fears in my life. Fears I don’t talk about and fears I honestly try not to dwell on too much. But, they are very present in how I have conducted myself my whole life. Immense feelings of needing to please, the crushing weight of guilt, worried I am going to let someone down or hurt them, having a difficult time saying “no”, not always speaking my mind because I am “afraid” someone will not like what I have to say or judge me for my thoughts. I imagine some of you can relate to at least one of those.

Three months ago I found myself in a situation that tapped into feelings like a bolt of lightning. I couldn’t even verbalize at the time how a lifetime of those fears of mine culminated into one moment but they did. I know the pain wasn’t intentional yet it was something that was obviously meant to come to pass and the aftermath of it was something I was left to kind of deal with on my own. I was supposed to be a big girl and just deal with it. But, I wasn’t a big girl. I was a little girl in a woman’s body dealing with some deep rooted pain. And, when part of you doesn’t even know how to navigate the rush of feelings and thoughts you are having you can feel like you are absolutely drowning in life.

So… here I am three months later and find myself still learning new things about myself. Bettering myself. I’ve learned a lot – about me, about other people, about relationships, about friendships, about grace and forgiveness. About being gentle with myself and with others. About trying to find boundaries and actually implementing them. Most of my life I wasn’t in a position to set boundaries. In my adult life it’s been very difficult at times to set them and I am still struggling to set them in parts of my life. Because of fear.

We are all fighting battles. I had more people tell me in those months where I was treading water that my blog helped them or encouraged them. I heard stories that were far more difficult that my own. Little did all those people know when they told me I was blessing them they were really blessing me.

Just like exercising or healthful eating is a daily decision, so is taking care of your mental and emotional well-being. We can better our physical bodies but if we do not look into our hearts and minds and deal with those issues we are not tending to our whole being. If you find yourself swimming in an unfamiliar stream and fighting to focus on fighting the current, be gentle with yourself. And, don’t be afraid to ask for help. It doesn’t make you weak – it can help make you stronger.

until next time… xoxo, patty lauren