Lifestyle

The Truth About Garden Parties

March 29, 2016 by patty lauren Leave a Comment

I remember being a teenager and my Dad telling me the story behind Ricky Nelson’s “Garden Party” song. I don’t remember if I asked him the back story or he was just telling me, but what I do remember is the bittersweet truth – the story of people who have known you to be one way and becoming uncomfortable and disapproving when you’re not who they have known you to be anymore.

Standing one year out from where I was last year I feel like I have some legitimate authority on this subject. We all know there are stages of grief, but I do think there are also stages of change when it is observed from the outside. Confusion, betrayal, anger, intolerance, skepticism, acceptance, indifference, praise, support… I’ve had all of those emotions directed at me at some point. When you step out of the box people have put you in your whole life or as long as you have known them it can sometimes cause those around us to become uncomfortable.

Whether that uncomfortable feeling comes from insecurities, envy, or a lack of understanding I can’t say – as someone who went through fire to change it’s not my responsibility to figure it out and it shouldn’t be yours either. I have nothing left to prove. I make those statements now with no reservations, no timidity, no doubt in myself or my capabilities or where I have come from. What do you want to accomplish? What are your goals? They’re just as important as anyone else’s but they will surely look different from your own.

The best answer is to keep doing what you are doing. Don’t explain yourself, don’t defend yourself, don’t second guess yourself. “…No one heard the music, we didn’t look the same…” Unfortunately, instead of listening to a beautiful new song, sometimes there will be those around us who get so caught up in the us of the past or the songs we used to sing that they don’t even open themselves up to the new lyrics of our life.

Shine your light so bright that the only people who will come along with you on your journey are the ones who are so close to you they’re not blinded by the light – they see it, too. Sometimes you cannot explain the path God has put you on. Just because people in your life doubt you does not mean God doubts you. A sailboat will no doubt face difficulties, but when our compass is set on the right path it will reach its destination. Don’t let the winds of unacceptance or judgement blow your compass needle to lead you to crash your boat and settle on the shore.

“Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.” – Unknown

Stilettos & Sneakers

October 29, 2015 by patty lauren 1 Comment

If you’ve followed my blog for awhile you have read about a lot of experiences I had this year. This really did turn out to be an epic year – my life has completely changed. The adventure hasn’t stopped… in fact, I feel like it’s just starting.

In the midst of training for my competition the thought of “What am I going to do next?” was a thought floating in the back of my mind. It’s not something I really dwelled on and not something I was scared of because I felt so content with life and I knew whatever came next would be the right thing at the right time. I was ready for even bigger goals, dreams… to keep going.

Now that my first NPC competition is behind me I can focus on some new endeavors for the next several months. My heart has really been touched by so many people around me that I have been able to come in contact with through this whole journey. It’s been during this time I have found, besides writing, my true passion and something I am incredibly excited to chase and share with other people.

Which brings me to an exciting announcement!!!! Over the past several weeks of thinking about this, talking about it with a few people, praying about it… I have felt such peace as I am proud and happy to announce I am actively pursuing becoming certified as a personal trainer. I don’t know how to explain how I feel – there is such a swelling in my heart. I know this sounds cheesy, but this is what life is supposed to feel like, ya’ll. I’m telling you. People can tell you what love is supposed to feel like but until you have felt all consuming love that makes you crazy you don’t really know. That’s what this is like – that feeling that people talk about when they just know something is completely right for them.

I’ve definitely been emotional a few times as I think about this new course of events in my life. Why? Because, I am so passionate about this. Completely rebuilding your body takes time. A lot of time. Losing the 40 lbs I did was just part of the whole puzzle. It wasn’t just about hitting a certain number or fitting into a certain size. I wanted to change my body – to push myself. Building muscle is not easy. Changing your body is not easy and it takes patience. Learning how to time food, eat right, being 100% faithful and dedicated to the process… none of it’s easy. At my heaviest I was 5’5″ and 155 lbs – that’s overweight for a woman my height and frame. I wasn’t obese, but I was most definitely overweight, out of shape, and 100% not healthy. My intermittent moments of exercising didn’t make me fit or dedicated – it made me a yoyo dieter and a flighty workout participant. It made me an emotional eater. It made me someone who had episodes of binge eating followed by intense shame and self loathing. It made me put my body through starvation mode as I consumed one meal a day yet the pounds continued to climb and I became more and more miserable.

I know what it’s like to not want to step foot into the gym (unless you’re running over to the treadmill and then sneaking out without making eye contact with anyone), I know what it’s like to get to the point of breaking where you know you have to change, I know what it’s like to have the mindset of “weights make women bulky,” I know what it’s like to be scared to admit to a trainer all your insecurities and fears and worry if you’re going to be able to do anything they ask of you. I know what it’s like to feel like you may never get to where you want because you can barely do a simple arm exercise with an 8lb weight. I know what it’s like to want to give up. To think you’re not seeing results, to think you’re not progressing. To sit outside of the gym and think of every reason and excuse not to go in. To cry because you feel fat, because you don’t think you’re seeing results or because someone told you you were “big” or “too skinny”.

But, I also know what dedication and perseverance feels like. I know what it’s like to have the privilege of being reminded by own trainer to think about where I started and how much stronger I have become. And, that I only get stronger. I know what it’s like to set a crazy high goal for yourself and actually reach it. I know what it’s like to finally go in to a store and buy whatever I want because I don’t have to worry about it not fitting. I know what it’s like to finally feel 100% comfortable in my own body for the first time ever.

That’s one thing I love so much about fitness – you don’t have to reach a finite point. You can keep going or you can change things and have different goals but you still see results when you are faithful. I will never be “done” with working out. I get to go to the gym and challenge myself every time I go – it’s a never ending competition with myself.

I’ve never felt like something was so right for me and to be able to share the excitement and frustrating moments followed by moments of breakthrough with other people has me so excited. I wish there was a way to sell the feeling you get after working out, seeing results, being consistent… all stemming from the hard work you put in yourself. You have the power to completely transform yourself and all it takes is perseverance and your body.

For me, fitness is about so much more than just changing your body. It’s emotional, spiritual, mental… It changes every part of you for the better. And, now I am going to get to share those life changing moments with other people!

until next time… xoxo, patty lauren

10 Seconds

October 27, 2015 by patty lauren 3 Comments

Ten seconds. According to NPC rules, ten seconds is all a competitor is allowed to hit their poses and perform their routine while they are being judged. Months of hard work comes down to ten seconds which really feels like five seconds.

I stood on the platform waiting for the first class I was competing in to go out – and, as my luck would have it, I was the first competitor to step foot on stage. As I stood watching the girls before me leave the stage all the nerves I hadn’t felt until that point hit me. It was that good ol’ fight or flight response and every fiber of my body was saying, “Flight! Abort! Abort!” But, it was my turn – I took a big breath, slapped the biggest smile on my face I could muster, and stepped out into the bright lights.

I don’t know if I’ve ever shook so hard in my life. My lips were trembling so badly I was sure my smile had melted into something that looked like I was talking to myself. I hit my poses and just like that – my ten seconds was over. Ten seconds to make an impression, ten seconds to showcase the months of blood, sweat, and tears, ten seconds to justify eating tilapia and asparagus and being dehydrated…

Friday Morning

However, the weekend started long before Saturday morning. Friday morning my “posse” and I headed to Memphis after grabbing coffee with my Dad. My cousin, K, was sweet enough to drive us so I could prop up my legs and rest them.

We stopped about five hundred times to take potty breaks and hunt for unsalted rice cakes. Being carb hungry and pretty much completely dehydrated I may have had a moment or two I got a little snappy. K was trying to find a place for us to go to the bathroom and she pulled into a Wendy’s – I’m pretty sure this is when I complained about the choice and she muttered under her breath, “Well, if you’ve gotta go so bad you shouldn’t be so picky about where we stop.” And, the other time she almost gave me a heart attack going through three lanes of traffic and I told her to stop and she half-screams, “I know how to drive!!” Lord help. Thankfully we had my friend, L, with us who was a mediator long enough for us to laugh about everything and get on with the day.

We arrived at the hotel long enough to drop our stuff off and get over to the convention center for me to check in and get my number. I had a couple of hours to kill before my tanning appointment so I took my last shower for the next day and a half before heading to get sprayed. I also enjoyed smelling my Reeses brownies…

Most Awkward Experience Goes To…

I’ve gotten maybe one spray tan in my whole life and I’m pretty sure nothing will hold a candle to what happened on Friday night. I purposefully made my appointment the last one of the day and thankfully there were only a couple of other girls in the room when it was my turn. The room we were getting sprayed in was full of black, pop-up tents. I stepped in one and was instructed to take my clothes off and put on a hair net. Cool. So, here I am getting buck naked facing tents full of other girls just as naked.

“Try not to make eye contact, try not to make eye contact.”

Once I was “ready” I went into another tent complete with a spotlight shining on me. The lady introduced herself and got started. Let’s just say you have to get into some preeeetty tricky positions to get all of your, um, areas tanned. One coat isn’t enough though – I went into my little black tent to dry before getting another round of awesome smelling liquid black grease sprayed on my body.

After I was dry, L and K and I headed to the most ghetto Walmart to get some necessities (aka: makeup that would match my new ethnicity) before calling it a night.

Of course I couldn’t go to sleep without marveling at my color in the bathroom mirror for about twenty minutes. It was becoming all too real at this point.

Athlete Status

Saturday morning came quickly and I was up at six AM to do my hair and makeup before heading over to the convention center for our athlete meeting. I understand a lot of people didn’t or haven’t seen my competition as serious but there is no doubt that bodybuilding is a sport. I just happened to pick a sport I get to wear a fun uniform and jewelry and shoes for. There is nothing glamorous or sexy about competing, I assure you.

When you’re standing in a line of girls getting your backside rolled with a mini foam roller to fix any marks that occurred while you were trying to use the restroom is not glamorous. Or, getting your bikini bottom glued to your glutes. Or, getting “glazed” – aka: having oil rubbed all over your body. Or, lying in the floor with your feet propped up against whatever you can find so your legs don’t swell. Or, eating ten thousand rice cakes. Or, being dehydrated.

Show Time… Almost. Not Yet. Okay… Now!

I had “met” a fellow competitor through Instagram several weeks before the competition. E was a competitor from Memphis and we had exchanged messages several times leading up to show day. I was so excited to finally meet her in person! We had the best time wandering around the convention center together practicing our posing, we helped each other get ready, and it was really awesome to have someone else there with me who was going through the exact same thing. We became instant friends and I have no doubt we will continue to be friends and hopefully compete together in the near future!

Competing is a lot of “hurry up and wait” – I knew this before but it is so true. Bikini is usually the last division to go on at a competition so while prejudging started at 9am, we didn’t go on until 11:30am.

This gives plenty of time to meet the other girls which was one of my favorite parts of the experience. I met so many amazing girls. Women are almost groomed to be catty to each other, but I have never met more helpful and supportive girls who are, in essence, competing against each other. It’s like everyone realizes we are in this crazy world together and we are supportive and happy for each other, genuinely, at what each accomplishes and achieves.

10 Seconds

After getting my ten seconds in the spotlight, literally, prejudging was over and it was time to head back to the hotel for a nap. I already knew that morning how I had placed, but nothing is “official” until the evening show. Was I disappointed I didn’t do better? Of course. Was I sad about it? No. I knew going into the day what were my weak points and I had the opportunity to talk with the judges at the end of the night and get notes and they reaffirmed what I already knew. I was thankful for the feedback because I know exactly what I need to work on, build, and improve before competing in my next show.

We came back to the convention center later that evening and had another athlete meeting. It was really cool to hear the head judge talk about us being there to compete against ourselves. We were there to be better, to beat our former selves, to improve ourselves, and to possess good sportsmanship no matter what the outcome. That pep talk just reaffirmed what I love about this new found lifestyle – that I am only competing against myself and to be better than I was yesterday.

Warning: Trophies are Heavier Than They Look

At the evening show, the rest of my cheering squad arrived. The night show was a little different in that we got to do our routine again – not for judging purposes but just to have fun.

I walked out and immediately spotted my friends complete with signs that said, “GO PLT” and “After this, we eat all the food!!!!” Although, I admit when I looked at the last sign I thought it said “donuts” not “food.” Ha!

The music was pumping and the auditorium was full. We also went out onto the stage alone. In prejudging, your whole class is out on the stage with you. At the evening show, you go out alone and do your routine. This time, I wasn’t nervous at all. I was excited and proud and elated I had committed to this enormous goal for myself and I had completed it.

When I received my trophy, I bent down to pick it up and honestly thought it was going to be a lot lighter than it actually was. I’m pretty sure I took a little step backwards when my finger missed picking it up from the floor. Whew. A hundred pictures later with my fellow competitors and friends and family, we headed to the most important event of the night… EATING!

And, now… We Feast

My friend L had made me the most amazing, mouth water Reeses brownies to eat after the show so I enjoyed chowing down on those before running (literally) the streets of downtown Memphis trying to find Rendezvous before they closed at 11pm. The first thing I wanted was WATER. I hadn’t had water since Friday afternoon and to say I was thirsty would be an understatement. I’m pretty sure I drank six glasses before the appetizer came. Water and rolls were my first priority. I hadn’t had bread in months and nothing ever tasted so good. Well, besides those brownies.

After dinner we took a little stroll dance down Beale Street for a cultural experience. I really didn’t want the weekend to end. This had been one of the biggest accomplishments of my life and I was riding a high unlike any other. It was hard to go to sleep that night but sleep came because I knew the sooner I went to sleep the sooner I would be able to get up in the morning and eat PANCAKES.

After I took off my jewelry and peeled off the fake eyelashes and washed the sixteen layers of tan off my body, Laurel gave me a package. I opened it up and inside she had had made a trophy just for me. The engraved plate read: “Congratulations. First Bikini Competition. October 24, 2015.” She didn’t want me to go home empty handed in case I didn’t place and she wanted me to remember this special day. I could not have asked for a better friend. That trophy will mean more to me than the heavy gold cup that reads “4th Place”. That trophy is the one that encompasses all of the feelings that led up to October 24th – seven months after I started a new life.

Waking Up A Competitor

Before Saturday, I could only say I was going to be a competitor… but, when I woke up Sunday morning I could say I was a competitor. I had competed. I was an NPC athlete. The girls and I got ready early and K and I had an impromptu dance party in the room… my favorite kind of party.

I had been grateful to have my people with me the whole weekend but it was in that moment of carefree abandon and fun that I was especially thankful. That even if I had left without anything in my hands, my heart and life were full because I had people in it that loved me for me and that were some of the most wonderful people on this earth. That nothing was the end but a new beginning. You can put a placing on love or your friendships.

We made one final stop to eat at this gourmet pancake house called “Staks” – ya’ll. I had Oreo Praline pancakes and a Toasted S’more latte. The pancakes had cream cheese filling. Ya’ll. I can’t. They were the best things I had ever tasted. Unfortunately, I could only eat half of them before I had to tap out. I tried though.

We jammed all the way back home and I arrived back home a new woman. I feel like I can do anything. I know I can do anything. I completely changed my life – not without the help and support of all of my friends and my family and my fitness inspirations, but I chose to change. I chose to get up every day and grind 100% and never, ever give up.

It’s only gets better from here.

Until next time… xoxo, patty lauren

Overnight

September 8, 2015 by patty lauren 1 Comment

This past weekend was Labor Day… BBQs, friends, the last bit of sunshine… saying goodbye to summer. This week also marks 6 months since my life went through an upheaval and I decided to change my world. Looking back at where I was it is so surreal to know it has been such a significant amount of time that has passed. Six months of major work – emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical. Six months of having moments where breathing was difficult. Six months of plenty of tears, anger, and confusion. Six months of moments of wanting to give up, throw in the towel, lay down on the couch and not get back up. Six months of having so many moments of just wanting to say “forget this” and keep doing the easy thing.

But, it has also been six months of working every single day to be better. Every. Single. Day. Six months of absurdly early mornings, late nights, long work days. Six months of pushing through the mental pain, through the physical pain, through the doubt, through the challenges. Six months of falling down A LOT, but getting back up and dusting myself off and going at it again. Six months of getting punched in the guts by life, but learning to fight back and be strong. Who I was in March is not the girl I am now. I’ll never be that girl again. I’m still me – I’m just more me than I ever have been before. I wish I could say I don’t have days anymore where I’m not angry or sad, but that would be a lie. Just because we choose to change our lives, choose to be better, choose to walk away from situations… we can’t shut off any negative feelings. We don’t get to pick all the good moments and forfeit all the ugly ones.

I’m still a work in progress. I’ve had a lot of slipups during this “journey” – the only thing that makes these moments worth it are that after each one I never laid there and wallowed in it (too long) or let it break me. I got up and tried again. Each time made me stronger. It is almost unbelievable to me to see where I am and to look back at where I was six months ago. To start anything is so scary – you know what’s even more scary? To think where you’re going to be three months down the road… six months down the road… a year down the road. To me, THAT is the scary thing. Because, what if you fail? What if it’s not what you think it will look like? What if you’re not different? What if, what if, what if.

This time was different – I didn’t think about what things were going to look like. I just had to start. Sure, I had hopes and I’ll tell you now – none of them came to pass like I wanted. I’ve had to completely trust God and like throwing confetti up in the air, let the pieces land where they may and trust this was how it was meant to happen. When I have tried to control certain situations they just became worse… lesson here: sometimes you have to let go of the need to control. I feel like I have written about this so much and it’s because this is a huge struggle for me. Not being in control is scary and the unknown can be terrifying at times.

I think most people think that just this past six months has been a journey of fitness and while it has and more recently it’s been a huge part of it, it’s really been a journey of healing, restoration, and changing who I am on the inside. It’s been hard. And, I have to make a deliberate decision every day to work at it. It can be overwhelming and exhausting. Just like losing weight and becoming fit, there is no magic pill. It takes two things: hard work and dedication. It’s saying “No” to yourself when you want to give in, it’s depriving yourself of all those things that feel good in the moment but just wreck your emotional state later, it’s recognizing situations and people for who they are not who you want them to be, it’s recognizing the ugly parts of yourself that need to be trimmed and weeded, it’s admitting when you’re wrong, when you’ve been hurtful… it’s not pretty. Change is not pretty. You don’t look at a cocoon and say, “Wow, look how gorgeous that is!” There is nothing pretty about it. But, what comes out is what’s beautiful. It’s made beautiful through struggle and refinement, through solitude and deprivation, through darkness and moments of near suffocation.

So, no, just because I lost 40 lbs and I’m not crying in a bowl of pasta does not a champion make. It’s the daily choice to move forward… it doesn’t really get any easier. I wish I could say it did, believe me. I know I wanted it to be easier. I wanted a cure-all, but that’s not the way life works. The temptations are the same, lots of feelings are the same, circumstances are the same, the world is the same… the only thing that is different is me. You change only to find the same storms swirling around you. Beckoning you to meld into the same-old-same. It’s easier than standing against the forces. But, you’ve been there and you know what it looked like to be a part of the storm and you don’t want that anymore. So, you stand against the winds and the dirt that gets slung on you and you resolve to not go back. To continue to walk forward, to be strong…

This weekend I went out of town for a little mini getaway – mostly to get some rest. I’ve been going so hard for a couple of months and it’s caught up with me. My body is physically run down and exhausted and with my upcoming competition I have to slow down and cut some things out for now. I want to think I can do 110% every day, but unfortunately I can’t right now and I’m okay with that. I’m still pretty tired, but I had such a great weekend with people I love and I feel so much better. More on that later, but it worked out kind of cool it was six months since things have been different for me. I picked up a little reminder to myself of where I’ve been and where I’m going…

It’s never been easy and it’s still not easy, but it’s been worth everything I’ve given up, everything that’s been taken away, and more than that… everything that’s been gained.

“Overnight”

[Chorus:]
If it all just happened overnight,
You wouldn’t know how much it means
If it all just happened overnight,
You would never learn to believe
In what you cannot see…

There’s somethin’ to be said for experience.
Who knows what’s ahead. Keep on goin’.

until next time… xoxo, patty lauren

Just the Way You Are

August 14, 2015 by patty lauren 1 Comment

As I started writing this blog, I was drinking a cup of Pumpkin Spice black coffee and listening to the “All Out 70s” Spotify playlist. The morning had started like any other… up at 4:30am to head to the gym and get a workout in – and it was fabulous. For a couple of weeks I’ve felt like I’ve been off my game a little bit, but this particular morning I got it back. I spent almost an hour and a half lifting – making deliberate moves, working on my mind/muscle connection, listening to music, talking to God (I do that a lot while I workout), admiring my new Nike Air Max sneakers. You know, important stuff.

It was in those moments that I realized my initial fears and anxiety of going into the gym by myself had completely faded away. Being the only girl in the weight section would have made me puke four months ago – now I don’t even think about it. I know what I’m doing, I’m confident and proud… I don’t worry about what other people think because I am too busy concentrating on what I’m doing. I worked really, really hard to get to this point… it’s emotional for me because I know there are so many other people out there that felt like I have before and I wish I could make them all know what potential they have and to not be scared. Don’t ever let anyone or anything make you feel like you can’t do ANYTHING you put your mind to. Don’t waste months of your life thinking about changing when you can just start doing it and look back and go, “WOW”.

I got home and the sun was coming up and I just felt such peace. Fall does something to me. People liken spring to new beginnings but to me, fall is when magic happens. It’s my favorite time of the year – it’s the feeling you get on the first morning you walk outside your door and you feel that crisp little bite of air through the fading summer heat. It’s the midday sunshine that shines hot on your face but the air is void of the heavy humidity that weighs you down in the summer. It’s the way the sunlight looks in the mornings… softer, more gentle. It’s the sweaters you start pulling out in the evenings because the air is beginning to get cool and your warm summer skin isn’t quite acclimated to the change yet. It’s the way the air smells, the way some of the leaves are already beginning to change colors as they hang on to the last few weeks of summer. It’s that little extra pep in my step as I think about pumpkin patches and picking apples, haunted houses and and making new memories… hosting parties and making chili, lighting candles and cooking dinner, sitting on the front porch with the record player on, leaving the windows open and letting the breeze blow through the screen door.

I know that I am still going to have hard days – I am still going to cry over something stupid or feel like I’m not doing enough – but all those feelings are temporary. The tears dry, the hard days get better, I realize I am doing enough… all you can do it work hard and do the best you can do. No one can expect more than that. I know God is all around me… kind of like those gutter guards at the bowling alley. I’m a bowling ball and sometimes I get a little off track and head toward the ditch, but God is there to bump me back on the road and set me on the path to knock life out.

Look around you. Soak up every moment and squeeze everything you can out of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Because all of those moments remind you why you want to change, why you have changed… why the journey is never done. Take a minute today to slow down and look around you – we all have so much to be thankful for. Open your eyes to the beauty around you and dare to take a chance.

“Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.”

The Beatles

until next time… xoxo, patty lauren

The Truth About Garden Parties

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Stilettos & Sneakers

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10 Seconds

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Overnight

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Just the Way You Are

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