Moonshine & Wanderlust

... a cosmopolitan view from a southern perspective

Everything Changes

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“Maybe you can start writing again now that you have some time…” said my 95 year old Mimi about 6 weeks ago. That sounded wonderful. I wanted to. I could see it in my mind. I felt it in my heart. My fingers ached to type… it”s been three years since I wrote for my beloved blog… it saw me through a transformational journey. It saw me through devastating heartbreak. It saw me through single girl trips, trips with my precious Dad, and many adventures. A lot has happened since then… everything changed.

Let’s back up just a little, shall we? In 2017, I moved out of my bachelorette nest, married my human, moved to a new city, moved into a house, started my own personal training company, started teaching group fitness, left my job in my hometown, left my hometown and everything I had ever known… and fell into a horrible depression.

I had been in a hole of heartbreak – I had dealt with anxiety – I knew those feelings. This was drastically different. I was trying to figure out how to BE so many things that I couldn’t find ME anymore. Be a newlywed, be a housewife, be a boss babe. I had no friends or family in this new place.

Nothing SHOULD have been wrong. I was married to my best friend, we had a beautiful new home, we were healthy, we had great careers, but everything had changed. I couldn’t find my footing – I couldn’t make this new shift work inside. I lost interest in the very thing that got me through so many hard times – working out. I loved training my clients and teaching, but I had no desire to be physically active myself. I cried – a lot.

I had a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. My husband begged me to find a new counselor (another loss – my therapist!) … I had broken down in tears and not being able to breathe the day before and he made me promise to make an appointment to talk to someone. I tried and the first attempt was a bust. I tried, right? I would lie on the couch like a zombie during the day while my husband worked downstairs, coming to check on me like a wilted flower who needed frequent watering.

One morning I woke up and thought to myself, “I wish I hadn’t woken up today.” This continued for months… I would see glimmers of normalcy in walks with a new friend, in going to church, in traveling with my husband, in seeing our families, but it would never last. It felt like a temporary high with an unavoidable drop to the bottom.

In September of that year – almost 5 months into this spiral of depression I began to pick up yoga again. I went one time… I felt a shift. I went the next day, and the next. I could find myself feeling like ME again… a new me, but me. I could get through the day without an anxiety attack or crying. My husband would ask me every day, “When are you going to yoga?” He was noticing it, too. If I said, “I think I feel okay today,” he would reply and say, “No – you need to go. You’re going.” He knew I had to keep swimming.

After about 6 weeks, the fog finally started to lift. Life started to take on a NEW NORMAL… there were new routines, new opportunities, new friends. Yes, there had been loss. Loss of the old… a shedding of old things. Things that had birthed me into a new season. Everything changed. Much like the painful journey I went through in 2015, 2017 was a different kind of painful journey. Everything changed.

And, then, 2020… the year that in my heart I believed would be a year of “Less” became another chapter in everything changed…

to be continued…

xoxo, patty lauren

Next

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I can’t believe it’s almost been a year since my last blog post. I think about blogging so often – it really is a form of therapy and it was such a huge part of my journey and transformation in 2015 that I feel I’ve gipped those of you that kept up with me a little bit. Life has been nothing but continuously transformational. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything I went through in 2015 was in preparation for what was to come. So, for those of you who follow me on social media or know me in real life, none of what I’m about to share will be too much news, so you can skip ahead to the end, which is really where the meat of this particular blog will be laid out for you.

April was really the pinnacle that started a snowball effect of change for the rest of the year. I passed my personal trainer’s certification and started working at Body by Hannah, which is where many of you will remember was the studio I was a client at during my fitness journey. For over 5 months, I would get up almost every morning at 5am and get ready for my day which normally started by training clients at the studio, followed by a full 8 hour work day at my 9-5pm job before I would go back to the studio for 1-3 hours and train more clients. Every day that passed, I knew I was doing what I loved by being in the studio and training clients and soaking up knowledge. However, I was also completely drained mentally and the stress of my desk job was causing my health to suffer and my anxiety to sky rocket to an all time high.

After many tears and deliberation and going back and forth and praying to make the right decision, I turned in my resignation to my full-time job in late summer and marked September 1, 2016 as a brand new chapter in my life as a full-time personal trainer. It was scary, but in the best way possible. I knew I was making the right decision – despite a lot of protest and “opinions” – I felt completely at peace and I was fortunate enough to have those close to me support me and push me to do what I knew I had needed to do for a long time.

In October, the love of my life asked me to be his wife (more on that in another blog!) and in December we found a beautiful house that will be our home and in just a few months, we’ll be married and I will making another new journey as a wife and in a new city. Which, leads me to this blog post. This week has hit me hard in the feels – I’ve spent almost every day crying for one reason or another. I think it’s hitting me that I’ll be leaving behind a lot of things with this new chapter of my life. I’ll be commuting to the studio twice a week, but I won’t live in my hometown anymore. I’m leaving behind everything I’ve ever known for thirty-one years of my life.

It’s funny – I spent most of my teens and all of my twenties plotting the day I would make my escape from my hometown. I was going to live in California or New York or move to Italy and live abroad for a year while writing my little heart out and drinking coffee at a side street cafe. Or, I was going to, ironically, move to Knoxville (my future new city) and work at a newspaper and live in a cute downtown apartment and walk everywhere.

Then, I changed the inside of my life and stopped trying to change the outside and I became happy and content. I stopped plotting my escape and became satisfied with what I was doing and where I was doing it at. God sure does have a funny sense of humor. He lets us get just comfortable enough before it’s time to grow a little more – each growth spurt a little less painful than the last, but still so many lessons that come along with it.

I hope no one reads this with a sense of dread – it’s quite the opposite. I’ve never felt more prepared for this new chapter in my life, but the little girl/introvert/only child/creature of habit inside of me sure has felt a little weepy this week. I look around at my little apartment that I moved into 6 years ago and in the same breath having bright eyes at where I will lovingly put my treasures at my cozy new home, I feel a pang of sentimentality of the leaving behind. One of my dear friends wrote me a letter when I was going through my “transformation” and said that it was only natural that grieving the “old” me would be a part of the process and I suspect that is what I feel now – a slight sense of grieving for the memories and the hard work and the growth. It was all of those things that brought me to this moment in my life that is better than anything I could have written for myself.

Never think that just because you go through journeys and changes in your life that there will be an “end” – there is no definite point in our life (other than death) when we get to clap our hands together and say, “Okay, this work of my life is finished.” I’ve made that mistake before – striving for that pinnacle, reaching the goal, and looking over the mountains from which I came only to look forward and see many more mountains. Mountains with beautiful scenery and shimmering lakes – we can’t just look at the peaks and miss out on all of the beauty that lies in climbing them.

“I used to dream about escaping my ordinary life, but my life was never ordinary. I had simply failed to notice how extraordinary it was…”- Ransom Riggs

Spoiling the Vineyards

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Since the beginning of this blog I have been very open with the fact I tend to be a slow learner in life lessons. I have often repeated mistakes and made the same bad decision over and over again until finally the lightbulb goes off and “I get it!” Part of it is stubbornness and part of it is my innate need to try and find the good in every situation and every person. And, to always be hopeful of things never changing.

My dealings with abandonment from people are well documented and ruminated. Those memories are no longer painful, but continually serve as a reminder. I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am if I had not learned those lessons. I’ve had to make choices to cut people out of my life permanently – it’s never been easy. It’s taken months, years… it’s been done through tears and fighting my own wants to do what I knew had to be done. I’ve never been a quitter, I’ve never been someone who has left another person without it being painful. I don’t like endings and I hate change. It’s a constant work in progress for me to learn this is a part of all of our lives.

Even if you get to a point in your life where you’re stable, you’re happy, you’re healthy, you’re doing the things you know you should be doing with your life – there will be someone who doesn’t love your happiness. Many times we find these uncomfortable feelings coming from strangers or acquaintances, but sometimes they come from our own inner circle.

Remember me talking about learning those hard lessons? One of them has been that when people show you their true colors in the beginning – you should believe them. I suppose if I had always stuck to this belief I would have saved myself years of heartache in relationships – both romantic and friendships. If you find yourself surrounded by someone who enjoys mocking another’s success if it doesn’t align with their version of a “good life” – be sure they will mock your success. If you find yourself surrounded by someone who questions another person’s happiness or accuses another of being selfish because it threatens their own happiness or self worth – be sure they will feel threatened by you. If you find yourself surrounded by someone who seems to be a friend to all, but will make deliberate actions to hurt another in a seemingly innocent way – be sure you will find yourself hurt.

I’ve never claimed to be perfect. I’ve never claimed to have a perfect life or be a perfect friend. In fact, it’s always been the opposite. I’m not ashamed I’m different now. Unfortunately, I have found myself so elated in the past year that I am a better version of myself (not just for me, but for everyone else around me) that I didn’t even think that anyone who loved me would not accept me because I was no longer who I was. But, it happens. It’s part of the letting go.

No matter how hard you try – you will never please everyone. You will always let someone down – or maybe even a few people. You will stumble, you will make mistakes. You will second guess yourself. You will pick yourself apart trying to weed out every flaw so you can please everyone. You will wonder if you should “dumb down” your successes and victories because others feel blinded by your shine. You will wonder if God is judging you like your peers are judging you. You will wonder about a lot of things.

When you can step back from wondering and say, “What really matters?” You realize in the grand scheme of things all the wondering in the world doesn’t change God. It doesn’t change your circumstances and it doesn’t help your journey. All of these things are simply foxes in the vineyard and they do not take God by surprise. Our job is to maintain our fruit, water it, share it, and keep being productive in this one life we live.

“Often people that criticize your life are usually the same people that don’t know the price you paid to get where you are today. True friends see the full picture of your soul.”  – Shannon Alder

 

 

The Truth About Garden Parties

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I remember being a teenager and my Dad telling me the story behind Ricky Nelson’s “Garden Party” song. I don’t remember if I asked him the back story or he was just telling me, but what I do remember is the bittersweet truth – the story of people who have known you to be one way and becoming uncomfortable and disapproving when you’re not who they have known you to be anymore.

Standing one year out from where I was last year I feel like I have some legitimate authority on this subject. We all know there are stages of grief, but I do think there are also stages of change when it is observed from the outside. Confusion, betrayal, anger, intolerance, skepticism, acceptance, indifference, praise, support… I’ve had all of those emotions directed at me at some point. When you step out of the box people have put you in your whole life or as long as you have known them it can sometimes cause those around us to become uncomfortable.

Whether that uncomfortable feeling comes from insecurities, envy, or a lack of understanding I can’t say – as someone who went through fire to change it’s not my responsibility to figure it out and it shouldn’t be yours either. I have nothing left to prove. I make those statements now with no reservations, no timidity, no doubt in myself or my capabilities or where I have come from. What do you want to accomplish? What are your goals? They’re just as important as anyone else’s but they will surely look different from your own.

The best answer is to keep doing what you are doing. Don’t explain yourself, don’t defend yourself, don’t second guess yourself. “…No one heard the music, we didn’t look the same…” Unfortunately, instead of listening to a beautiful new song, sometimes there will be those around us who get so caught up in the us of the past or the songs we used to sing that they don’t even open themselves up to the new lyrics of our life.

Shine your light so bright that the only people who will come along with you on your journey are the ones who are so close to you they’re not blinded by the light – they see it, too. Sometimes you cannot explain the path God has put you on. Just because people in your life doubt you does not mean God doubts you. A sailboat will no doubt face difficulties, but when our compass is set on the right path it will reach its destination. Don’t let the winds of unacceptance or judgement blow your compass needle to lead you to crash your boat and settle on the shore.

“Never waste your time trying to explain who you are to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.” – Unknown

Let it Go: The Crash Version

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For months I’ve started and stopped numerous blog topics. There’s been a lot I’ve wanted to write about but it’s felt draining and uninspired once I’ve started – so I took a couple months off. I knew I’d be ready and today happened to be the best time to get the ball rolling again.

I’m sure most of you are undoubtedly reading this because of the flashy and gruesome car picture that is accompanying this blog. Hang with me though. I wish I didn’t have to have the experience that led to those pictures to find inspiration to write again but it always seems trials are when my best writing comes to pass.

One of my favorite songs I referenced early last year while in Paris has, again, resonated with me and if you’re new to the blog, perhaps you will appreciate it as well. Taking it back old school! Anyway, the lyrics are as follows:

This time I’ve got to trust You
I’ve got to accept Your plan
I have tried to guide my circumstance
But there’s just no way I can
When will I learn this lesson
Your ways are not like mine
Lord, help me to surrender
The control I try to have on my life

When I let it go
You take my hand and gently lead me
Then You let me know
Just how peaceful my life can be
When I let it go
Your never-ending blessings
Like a river start to flow
When I let it go

Too many times I’m searching
For the things I think I need
When I try to look for more
I always seem to give You less of me
Lord, help me gain this wisdom
My foolish mind still lacks
‘Til I find a way to let go
Of the part of me I’m holding back

It’s no secret I have struggled and do still with letting things go. Because I’m a planner, because I’m an INTJ… But mostly because I’m human. We want things to often be a certain way, especially if it’s something we feel we can control. But, life is a myriad of uncontrollable circumstances and the only thing truly in control is our attitude.

While over the last couple of years a lot of my writing has been centered around relational observations and, at times, frustrations and I have been very open in my fitness journey and imagine I always will be, I am fiercely protective and private around most of my personal life. However, sometimes there are those moments that come into play and are too serendipitous not to share. And, it just so happens one of those moments came this weekend.

B, my “person”, and I were in the midst of discussing something that had caused me to throw out the “let me fix it/control it/etc” part of my personality and in that moment of me melting down into a puddle of “Whys & I don’t understands” he looked me straight in the eye and put his hands on my arms and said in the most steady way, “You have to let it go.” And, the Patty of the past would’ve simply kept saying “but why, blah blah blah” I instead nodded and said, “okay okay okay.” Accepting. That not everything is controllable – that it’s not always a bad thing. That sometimes you simply have to just let something go and not get so hung up on the way you think it should be. That often times the very best things in life happen when we are not hanging on to the past, or hanging on to the idea of what things should be – but when we have let go.

How does this relate to the mangled mess of metal displayed in this blog? Well, in true story telling fashion I welcome you into the twisted humor of yet another car escapade in my life. Not all have been documented, but all have usually been harrowing. On this particular morning I had managed to drive through a good bit of snow/ice/sleet/weather from Satan himself using every bit of wit and knowledge (seatbelt, drive slow, no sudden movements, don’t slam on the brakes) known to man when I was approaching my destination and my car began to spin out of control.

I’ve hydroplaned, I’ve had fender benders, but I have never in my life felt so out of control in a situation as I did this morning. Despite my best efforts to regain control of my car it began to spin faster and faster to the point where I simply, you got it, let go. I had a feeling my car would flip because of all of the turning and spinning but one thing was certain and that was a line of trees was coming straight at my viewpoint and there wasn’t a single thing I could do about it. I remember praying and saying, “Please God” – I told GK it would all be okay, I covered my face, and I waited. Waited for the impact, waited for the car to stop, waited to wake up in eternity. My life didn’t flash before my eyes, I didn’t have a flood of regret – I strangely felt at peace. I had done all I knew to do, I had opened my lips to my Maker, and I let go.

In seconds that seemed to drag on for minutes, my car finally slammed into a tree and the spinning and racing toward the finale had ceased. I took my hands away from my face, made sure GK was okay, and sat in stunned silence. In awe. In thankfulness. Yes, I was thankful. I was alive. I had tried to “fix it”, I had tried to “control it”, but my only hope was to “let go” and trust that my purpose and my life still had some living to do.

My poor little car’s last sacrifice. Twelve years of protection. As I sat in the pouring rain waiting on police, a tow truck that never came (but a bigger blessing of my best friend C coming to follow me home), thanking the numerous random strangers that stopped to make sure I was 1) okay and 2) warm while I waited, I thought back to the same thought I have had every week as I work towards finishing up studying for my personal training certification – how can anyone believe God doesn’t exist?

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There is luck and there is serendipity and there is fate, but there is something bigger than those words that fill the glittery pages of greeting cards and movie titles – there is God. It’s not by luck my car didn’t suffer worse damage, it’s not by luck I walked away with not even a scratch, it’s not by luck my windows didn’t break or my airbag deploy, it’s not by luck I didn’t hit the trees head on, it’s not by luck my little 10 pound puppy wasn’t hurt… I know beyond a shadow of a doubt what happened to me today could have been… should have been… so much worse.

And, while I’m sad it’s going to (finally, after 11 years) be time to say goodbye to my car and move on, there is nothing but gratitude and thankfulness and an immense feeling of being blessed in my heart. I have all the things that matter – I have health, I have a warm place to sleep, I have the most wonderful people in my life… I have life.

And, while the concept of letting it go isn’t usually as simple as realizing the chocolate ganache on my scratch made cake won’t always be perfect or as life changing as a potential fatal wreck… letting it go doesn’t always equal weakness. Letting it go can often be the strongest decision we can make. If only we would just learn to trust a little more.