Fitness

Stilettos & Sneakers

October 29, 2015 by patty lauren 1 Comment

If you’ve followed my blog for awhile you have read about a lot of experiences I had this year. This really did turn out to be an epic year – my life has completely changed. The adventure hasn’t stopped… in fact, I feel like it’s just starting.

In the midst of training for my competition the thought of “What am I going to do next?” was a thought floating in the back of my mind. It’s not something I really dwelled on and not something I was scared of because I felt so content with life and I knew whatever came next would be the right thing at the right time. I was ready for even bigger goals, dreams… to keep going.

Now that my first NPC competition is behind me I can focus on some new endeavors for the next several months. My heart has really been touched by so many people around me that I have been able to come in contact with through this whole journey. It’s been during this time I have found, besides writing, my true passion and something I am incredibly excited to chase and share with other people.

Which brings me to an exciting announcement!!!! Over the past several weeks of thinking about this, talking about it with a few people, praying about it… I have felt such peace as I am proud and happy to announce I am actively pursuing becoming certified as a personal trainer. I don’t know how to explain how I feel – there is such a swelling in my heart. I know this sounds cheesy, but this is what life is supposed to feel like, ya’ll. I’m telling you. People can tell you what love is supposed to feel like but until you have felt all consuming love that makes you crazy you don’t really know. That’s what this is like – that feeling that people talk about when they just know something is completely right for them.

I’ve definitely been emotional a few times as I think about this new course of events in my life. Why? Because, I am so passionate about this. Completely rebuilding your body takes time. A lot of time. Losing the 40 lbs I did was just part of the whole puzzle. It wasn’t just about hitting a certain number or fitting into a certain size. I wanted to change my body – to push myself. Building muscle is not easy. Changing your body is not easy and it takes patience. Learning how to time food, eat right, being 100% faithful and dedicated to the process… none of it’s easy. At my heaviest I was 5’5″ and 155 lbs – that’s overweight for a woman my height and frame. I wasn’t obese, but I was most definitely overweight, out of shape, and 100% not healthy. My intermittent moments of exercising didn’t make me fit or dedicated – it made me a yoyo dieter and a flighty workout participant. It made me an emotional eater. It made me someone who had episodes of binge eating followed by intense shame and self loathing. It made me put my body through starvation mode as I consumed one meal a day yet the pounds continued to climb and I became more and more miserable.

I know what it’s like to not want to step foot into the gym (unless you’re running over to the treadmill and then sneaking out without making eye contact with anyone), I know what it’s like to get to the point of breaking where you know you have to change, I know what it’s like to have the mindset of “weights make women bulky,” I know what it’s like to be scared to admit to a trainer all your insecurities and fears and worry if you’re going to be able to do anything they ask of you. I know what it’s like to feel like you may never get to where you want because you can barely do a simple arm exercise with an 8lb weight. I know what it’s like to want to give up. To think you’re not seeing results, to think you’re not progressing. To sit outside of the gym and think of every reason and excuse not to go in. To cry because you feel fat, because you don’t think you’re seeing results or because someone told you you were “big” or “too skinny”.

But, I also know what dedication and perseverance feels like. I know what it’s like to have the privilege of being reminded by own trainer to think about where I started and how much stronger I have become. And, that I only get stronger. I know what it’s like to set a crazy high goal for yourself and actually reach it. I know what it’s like to finally go in to a store and buy whatever I want because I don’t have to worry about it not fitting. I know what it’s like to finally feel 100% comfortable in my own body for the first time ever.

That’s one thing I love so much about fitness – you don’t have to reach a finite point. You can keep going or you can change things and have different goals but you still see results when you are faithful. I will never be “done” with working out. I get to go to the gym and challenge myself every time I go – it’s a never ending competition with myself.

I’ve never felt like something was so right for me and to be able to share the excitement and frustrating moments followed by moments of breakthrough with other people has me so excited. I wish there was a way to sell the feeling you get after working out, seeing results, being consistent… all stemming from the hard work you put in yourself. You have the power to completely transform yourself and all it takes is perseverance and your body.

For me, fitness is about so much more than just changing your body. It’s emotional, spiritual, mental… It changes every part of you for the better. And, now I am going to get to share those life changing moments with other people!

until next time… xoxo, patty lauren

10 Seconds

October 27, 2015 by patty lauren 3 Comments

Ten seconds. According to NPC rules, ten seconds is all a competitor is allowed to hit their poses and perform their routine while they are being judged. Months of hard work comes down to ten seconds which really feels like five seconds.

I stood on the platform waiting for the first class I was competing in to go out – and, as my luck would have it, I was the first competitor to step foot on stage. As I stood watching the girls before me leave the stage all the nerves I hadn’t felt until that point hit me. It was that good ol’ fight or flight response and every fiber of my body was saying, “Flight! Abort! Abort!” But, it was my turn – I took a big breath, slapped the biggest smile on my face I could muster, and stepped out into the bright lights.

I don’t know if I’ve ever shook so hard in my life. My lips were trembling so badly I was sure my smile had melted into something that looked like I was talking to myself. I hit my poses and just like that – my ten seconds was over. Ten seconds to make an impression, ten seconds to showcase the months of blood, sweat, and tears, ten seconds to justify eating tilapia and asparagus and being dehydrated…

Friday Morning

However, the weekend started long before Saturday morning. Friday morning my “posse” and I headed to Memphis after grabbing coffee with my Dad. My cousin, K, was sweet enough to drive us so I could prop up my legs and rest them.

We stopped about five hundred times to take potty breaks and hunt for unsalted rice cakes. Being carb hungry and pretty much completely dehydrated I may have had a moment or two I got a little snappy. K was trying to find a place for us to go to the bathroom and she pulled into a Wendy’s – I’m pretty sure this is when I complained about the choice and she muttered under her breath, “Well, if you’ve gotta go so bad you shouldn’t be so picky about where we stop.” And, the other time she almost gave me a heart attack going through three lanes of traffic and I told her to stop and she half-screams, “I know how to drive!!” Lord help. Thankfully we had my friend, L, with us who was a mediator long enough for us to laugh about everything and get on with the day.

We arrived at the hotel long enough to drop our stuff off and get over to the convention center for me to check in and get my number. I had a couple of hours to kill before my tanning appointment so I took my last shower for the next day and a half before heading to get sprayed. I also enjoyed smelling my Reeses brownies…

Most Awkward Experience Goes To…

I’ve gotten maybe one spray tan in my whole life and I’m pretty sure nothing will hold a candle to what happened on Friday night. I purposefully made my appointment the last one of the day and thankfully there were only a couple of other girls in the room when it was my turn. The room we were getting sprayed in was full of black, pop-up tents. I stepped in one and was instructed to take my clothes off and put on a hair net. Cool. So, here I am getting buck naked facing tents full of other girls just as naked.

“Try not to make eye contact, try not to make eye contact.”

Once I was “ready” I went into another tent complete with a spotlight shining on me. The lady introduced herself and got started. Let’s just say you have to get into some preeeetty tricky positions to get all of your, um, areas tanned. One coat isn’t enough though – I went into my little black tent to dry before getting another round of awesome smelling liquid black grease sprayed on my body.

After I was dry, L and K and I headed to the most ghetto Walmart to get some necessities (aka: makeup that would match my new ethnicity) before calling it a night.

Of course I couldn’t go to sleep without marveling at my color in the bathroom mirror for about twenty minutes. It was becoming all too real at this point.

Athlete Status

Saturday morning came quickly and I was up at six AM to do my hair and makeup before heading over to the convention center for our athlete meeting. I understand a lot of people didn’t or haven’t seen my competition as serious but there is no doubt that bodybuilding is a sport. I just happened to pick a sport I get to wear a fun uniform and jewelry and shoes for. There is nothing glamorous or sexy about competing, I assure you.

When you’re standing in a line of girls getting your backside rolled with a mini foam roller to fix any marks that occurred while you were trying to use the restroom is not glamorous. Or, getting your bikini bottom glued to your glutes. Or, getting “glazed” – aka: having oil rubbed all over your body. Or, lying in the floor with your feet propped up against whatever you can find so your legs don’t swell. Or, eating ten thousand rice cakes. Or, being dehydrated.

Show Time… Almost. Not Yet. Okay… Now!

I had “met” a fellow competitor through Instagram several weeks before the competition. E was a competitor from Memphis and we had exchanged messages several times leading up to show day. I was so excited to finally meet her in person! We had the best time wandering around the convention center together practicing our posing, we helped each other get ready, and it was really awesome to have someone else there with me who was going through the exact same thing. We became instant friends and I have no doubt we will continue to be friends and hopefully compete together in the near future!

Competing is a lot of “hurry up and wait” – I knew this before but it is so true. Bikini is usually the last division to go on at a competition so while prejudging started at 9am, we didn’t go on until 11:30am.

This gives plenty of time to meet the other girls which was one of my favorite parts of the experience. I met so many amazing girls. Women are almost groomed to be catty to each other, but I have never met more helpful and supportive girls who are, in essence, competing against each other. It’s like everyone realizes we are in this crazy world together and we are supportive and happy for each other, genuinely, at what each accomplishes and achieves.

10 Seconds

After getting my ten seconds in the spotlight, literally, prejudging was over and it was time to head back to the hotel for a nap. I already knew that morning how I had placed, but nothing is “official” until the evening show. Was I disappointed I didn’t do better? Of course. Was I sad about it? No. I knew going into the day what were my weak points and I had the opportunity to talk with the judges at the end of the night and get notes and they reaffirmed what I already knew. I was thankful for the feedback because I know exactly what I need to work on, build, and improve before competing in my next show.

We came back to the convention center later that evening and had another athlete meeting. It was really cool to hear the head judge talk about us being there to compete against ourselves. We were there to be better, to beat our former selves, to improve ourselves, and to possess good sportsmanship no matter what the outcome. That pep talk just reaffirmed what I love about this new found lifestyle – that I am only competing against myself and to be better than I was yesterday.

Warning: Trophies are Heavier Than They Look

At the evening show, the rest of my cheering squad arrived. The night show was a little different in that we got to do our routine again – not for judging purposes but just to have fun.

I walked out and immediately spotted my friends complete with signs that said, “GO PLT” and “After this, we eat all the food!!!!” Although, I admit when I looked at the last sign I thought it said “donuts” not “food.” Ha!

The music was pumping and the auditorium was full. We also went out onto the stage alone. In prejudging, your whole class is out on the stage with you. At the evening show, you go out alone and do your routine. This time, I wasn’t nervous at all. I was excited and proud and elated I had committed to this enormous goal for myself and I had completed it.

When I received my trophy, I bent down to pick it up and honestly thought it was going to be a lot lighter than it actually was. I’m pretty sure I took a little step backwards when my finger missed picking it up from the floor. Whew. A hundred pictures later with my fellow competitors and friends and family, we headed to the most important event of the night… EATING!

And, now… We Feast

My friend L had made me the most amazing, mouth water Reeses brownies to eat after the show so I enjoyed chowing down on those before running (literally) the streets of downtown Memphis trying to find Rendezvous before they closed at 11pm. The first thing I wanted was WATER. I hadn’t had water since Friday afternoon and to say I was thirsty would be an understatement. I’m pretty sure I drank six glasses before the appetizer came. Water and rolls were my first priority. I hadn’t had bread in months and nothing ever tasted so good. Well, besides those brownies.

After dinner we took a little stroll dance down Beale Street for a cultural experience. I really didn’t want the weekend to end. This had been one of the biggest accomplishments of my life and I was riding a high unlike any other. It was hard to go to sleep that night but sleep came because I knew the sooner I went to sleep the sooner I would be able to get up in the morning and eat PANCAKES.

After I took off my jewelry and peeled off the fake eyelashes and washed the sixteen layers of tan off my body, Laurel gave me a package. I opened it up and inside she had had made a trophy just for me. The engraved plate read: “Congratulations. First Bikini Competition. October 24, 2015.” She didn’t want me to go home empty handed in case I didn’t place and she wanted me to remember this special day. I could not have asked for a better friend. That trophy will mean more to me than the heavy gold cup that reads “4th Place”. That trophy is the one that encompasses all of the feelings that led up to October 24th – seven months after I started a new life.

Waking Up A Competitor

Before Saturday, I could only say I was going to be a competitor… but, when I woke up Sunday morning I could say I was a competitor. I had competed. I was an NPC athlete. The girls and I got ready early and K and I had an impromptu dance party in the room… my favorite kind of party.

I had been grateful to have my people with me the whole weekend but it was in that moment of carefree abandon and fun that I was especially thankful. That even if I had left without anything in my hands, my heart and life were full because I had people in it that loved me for me and that were some of the most wonderful people on this earth. That nothing was the end but a new beginning. You can put a placing on love or your friendships.

We made one final stop to eat at this gourmet pancake house called “Staks” – ya’ll. I had Oreo Praline pancakes and a Toasted S’more latte. The pancakes had cream cheese filling. Ya’ll. I can’t. They were the best things I had ever tasted. Unfortunately, I could only eat half of them before I had to tap out. I tried though.

We jammed all the way back home and I arrived back home a new woman. I feel like I can do anything. I know I can do anything. I completely changed my life – not without the help and support of all of my friends and my family and my fitness inspirations, but I chose to change. I chose to get up every day and grind 100% and never, ever give up.

It’s only gets better from here.

Until next time… xoxo, patty lauren

Bikini Blues

September 10, 2015 by patty lauren 6 Comments

This week puts me at six weeks out from one of the biggest things I have ever set out to do. It may seem silly to some people, but I haven’t set such a lofty goal for myself since graduating college. If you see me staring off into space chances are I am not thinking about my love life, but I am thinking about prepping for my competition. Or, I am thinking about food. Working hard, keeping a strong mental game… it’s consumed my every day life. For now. It’s not permanent and I am very glad to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and to resume a more normal life, but for now this is the most important thing I have going on.

I have had to make time to rest, I have had to say no to going out and doing things, I have had to sacrifice a lot… No one has asked me to do this, but I have chosen to do it. I am learning big lessons in self discipline and self control and I don’t think I ever would have learned them if I had not decided to enter this competition.

After a restful holiday weekend and getting back on track with getting good amounts of sleep, I want to hit on a few aspects I’ve been thinking about the past couple of weeks but honestly have been too tired to write about.

Food – (duh, of course this is gonna be first):

Some days I feel like Veruca Salt… “Cream buns and doughnuts and fruitcake with no nuts
So good you could go nuts…” Forget the golden goose and all that – just gimme all the sweets. I find myself perusing the aisles of my local shopping haunts just to lust after the packaged goods. I find myself thinking about what everything tastes like and the texture and the smell. I guess I am learning to appreciate my senses, right? I also have found myself wanting to eat things I never have before or didn’t think I would like, etc. I suppose it’s the whole “you can’t have this” so you want it philosophy.

In ways, it has gotten easier. But, in other ways it is getting extremely difficult. I am so close, but I have deprived myself so long of certain things that I spend a lot of time thinking about eating anything and everything I can’t eat. It’s not really a good place to be – that’s why prep is temporary.

I have a few things that I am planning on enjoying… Part of my traveling posse is coming up the evening before I leave for Memphis to go grocery shopping with me for a few goodies. Right now I know the three things that are on my list:

Reeses

Brownie Batter Oreos

Pizza (remember, I’m having it shipped from Giordanos in Chicago. Yes, I am crazy.)

Oh, and a VENTI Starbucks. Immediately after the show is over. Gimme dat Sbux!

One of my friends going is also making me some type of decadent Reeses brownies so there’s that. I know I’m probably going to have a real bad tummy ache, so I am going to genuinely just try to have a few bites of each thing and not go crazy. I’ve read too many stories about post show rebound and I’m not wanting to experience that in any way.

I have learned so much and know enough that I am cautious but not worried about my eating habits post-show. I’m looking forward to setting new goals in the gym and eating to fuel my body.

The Whys:

Someone said to me recently, “Why a bikini competition? Do you really need to get in a bikini in front of a bunch of strangers to have them tell you you’re pretty? I can do that for you without you having to go to all that trouble.” WHUT. If anyone thinks I am doing this to be told I’m “pretty”, you really don’t know me and/or you really have no idea what a fitness competition entails.

First of all – I am a naturally very shy person. I’m an introvert (an INTJ for you Myers Briggs lovers) and it takes me awhile to come out of my shell with people. It takes a lot of time and me being comfortable. And, while I’m a lover of a good selfie and OOTD (outfit of the day) picture I don’t post a bunch of pictures of my body all over the internet, etc. That’s just not who I am. There’s nothing wrong with that, in my eyes, but I choose not to do that at this point.

This is not an ego stroke or a self esteem boost. I don’t know why anyone would put themselves through the literal hell, at times, of prep just to be told they’re pretty or they have a good body. Think about it. A normal competition prep is usually at least 12 weeks (I’ve been doing it longer), you are very restricted on food for the most part (carbs, anyone?), it’s expensive (suit, tan, shoes, jewelry, entry fees, membership fees, hotel, travel, gas, etc.), it’s isolating at times, you are in the gym at least 6 days a week and towards the end you are in there two or more times a day, and the hardest part… it’s a mental mind game. If you need to be told you’re pretty in a bikini, go throw one on and head down to your local bar. This is a fitness competition, not a who has the biggest … well, anyway.

I want to raise more awareness of what these competitions represent because I can understand what people think they are about… but it’s so much more than that. Even if I get up there and don’t place, I am getting up there to be judged on the work I have put in for hours. It’s a reflection of how strong I can be, how hard I have worked, how I have fallen down but gotten back up and tried again. I was very hurt when someone close to me told me they didn’t support me and believed what I was doing was not “Godly.” The Bible tells us our body is a temple – the Bible tells us not to be gluttons – Daniel fasted and ate only certain foods to draw closer to God. The Bible warns us against being drunkards, giving away our bodies, and defiling them. The Bible is full of examples of how important our physical bodies are to Christ. I have chosen to better my body that God gave me… it’s healthy, I have the ability to change it and to watch what I put inside of it – and far beyond the physical changes I have seen I have had so many more emotional and life changes because of this journey (more on that in another section).

This prep has taken everything out of me, twisted it around, put it back together, and is still hard every single day. I have learned so much about myself – I feel like I could do anything. I know I can do anything I set my mind to. I have seen too many good things and really had to learn to trust God so much in these past few weeks that I can’t imagine it not being a spiritual journey as well as a physical one.

I never set out on my fitness path to do a bikini competition. That was never a thought – I didn’t even know what they were! I set out to be a better me, to get my body fit and in shape, and to change my life. The competition was a by-product of that and gave me a huge goal to set for myself in so many areas. Once the competition is over, I will continue to set new goals and train. This is just a slice of the pie. PIE! Food… see, it always happens.

The Negatives:

It’s really been interesting that the amount of negative things have almost completely gone away from outside sources. I think people who doubted my intentions or doubted I would follow through have since realized differently and they have either fallen by the wayside or they are supporting me 100%. I feel extremely fortunate to have the support system I do, but more on that later.

Obviously, negatives are I am tired and hungry. I hit a wall about a week ago with my sleep and was told by a few key people in my life right now that I had to sleep or I was going to do myself more harm than good. So, getting my sleep has been top priority for me behind training and hitting my macro goals.

Washing dishes?! Yes, this is stupid but for real… I can only wash so many more Tupperware containers. I don’t have a dishwasher and my manicures are suffering.

Going to the gym more than once a day. I think it’ll be fine to go more than once every now and then, maybe, but once prep is over… once a day will be juuuuuuuust fine.

I know by following IIFYM I can really eat “anything” as long as it fits in my macro count, but I have gotten to the place where I’ve really tried to cut out the treats and just save my “fun” macros for peanut butter or a Lenny and Larry’s cookie or something like that. I’m apprehensive of fitting too many donuts or Starbucks in at this point. That works for some people, but for this being my first show and for having some of the binge eating episodes I have had, I just want to really try and keep things locked down until the end.

That being said – it’s been very difficult to go to fun social events or go out of town and watch other people eat cupcakes or ice cream or snack all day and have to constantly refrain or say no. It’s wearing on me. But, the end is near…

The Positives:

I saved this for last because it’s my favorite. No one can tell me God has not has His hand completely in my life the past several months. From the emotional and mental changes to the physical… I know I wouldn’t have been able to come this far without relying on my God.

One of the goals my therapist set for me this summer was to get out and meet more people and try to make more friends. This isn’t something I’ve really elaborated on, but I feel like this just shows how things can work together. I’ve always been someone who waited until someone wanted to be friends with me first. I’ve never sought out relationships of any kind. Of course I could get down into the whys of this but that’s not something I’m touching on today. The point is since that conversation with her I have made more new friendships or really started to get to know people I didn’t know that well before. I have had more support from people that I never would have thought would have supported me or even knew who I was than I could ever have imagined.

I get daily text messages of encouragement from so many people or I will see someone out in town and they will say just the smallest bit of encouragement to me… they have no idea how I cling to these jewels right now. Those things get me through. They give me strength. That’s why I am such a proponent now of telling people things when you want to – don’t think “Oh, they’ve heard that. Oh, someone else is telling them that.” NO. Tell them. Encourage them. You have no idea if your words are the very ones that gets someone to make a better decision, or to turn away from something harmful, or just get them through another day.

People will come up to my and ask me about what I’ve been doing, ask me questions about the competition. It’s become easier for me to start to come out of that shell I had around myself and engage with those around me. Partly because I feel completely comfortable with myself now but also because I realize that not everyone is out to get me or sabotage me and friendships and learning and growing through other people is a really wonderful, God given thing.

There are a couple of women in my life I have met recently that have become rocks in this journey and I know we will continue to develop friendships after October, but their advice and walking along beside me is sometimes the only thing that gets me through a day.

I have met so many awesome people and learned from them… They inspire me. The people I have met in the fitness industry and those who are heavily into this lifestyle are some of the nicest, most genuine, and kind people I have ever met in my life. I would have thought the opposite before I got into all of this, but I have found no jealousy, no competitive comments, no judgments… only lifting up, encouragement, help, advice, and complete acceptance.

People who were my friends but have since disappeared out of my life or laughed off my goals or admitted they feel I am competition to them… those are sad moments for me, but I realize those chapters are over. Some I have had to close myself and it’s not something the old Patty Lauren would have done. It would have killed me to shut doors completely, but I can do it now because I am strong and I am learning a little bit more what is and isn’t beneficial to my future.

People who I didn’t think would support me or maybe I have had bumpy moments with have stepped up, told me how proud they are of me, been incredibly supportive, genuinely interesting in what is going on… It just goes to show you really cannot judge how someone is going to react. Sometimes the very people we think will abandon us are the ones who give us those pep talks and bits of encouragement that we need.

—

Entering the home stretch… hard days are every day as I face temptations and challenges and try to keep focused, but no matter what… everything I have gained outweighs every sacrifice. Caitlin, my trainer, always tell me: “Finish strong!!” She’s full of good quotes but that is one of my favorites and one I have to keep reminding myself of.

Regardless of what came before or of what has yet to come, what matters most is how you choose to respond to the challenge in front of you. Will you lie down or will you fight? The choice is yours. Choose to Finish Strong! -Dan Green

I’m Doing a What???

August 11, 2015 by patty lauren 3 Comments

If you have read my blog any the past few months you may remember reading about me saying I had set some pretty big goals for myself. Or, if you follow me on Instagram you may have seen a few hashtags about bikinis and competition and prep. A few of you reading this already know what I am talking about and I am finally ready to share what all this craziness has been about with everyone else. A few months ago I decided to compete in a fitness competition. If you knew the old me you are probably thinking I have really lost my mind. This is so far from my comfort zone it ain’t even funny. But, hey, I’m doing it!

When someone first suggested it to me, I said, “Noooooo not meeeeee. Das not for me.” Because when I thought of a fitness competition I thought about some super ripped up woman about twice my size and the color of a nice mahogany table passed down for several generations. However, the world of competing has progressed significantly from what I remember seeing as a kid and there are now several different types of divisions. For me, I chose to be a bikini competitor.

What does being a bikini competitor mean? Well, the top 5 girls out of each class place. The open classes are divided up by height and there is also a novice (first timer) class. I’ll be competing in both a novice class and an open class for my height. The competitors in bikini divisions are judged on their “proportion, symmetry, balance, shape and skin tone.” It also means getting up in front of lots and lots of people in a really tiny bikini. A very expensive, tiny bikini that will be glued on to my skin.

My Dad is SUPER excited I’ll be on a stage in dental floss. But, for real… he’s proud of me. He’ll just show up with a big black garbage bag to wrap me up in afterwards, I’m sure. It’s gonna be fun times.

Why a bikini competition? Because I wanted to do something so huge it scared me. I wanted to push myself and push my body and push my mental state (which actually is way harder than the physical part – just FYI). I wanted to do something so far outside of what I was comfortable with because I want to GROW. I may do this once and never do it again. Or, maybe I’ll find a new hobby. That’s not the point. And, while I am learning as the weeks get closer I am really eyeing a trophy, I will be okay if I don’t place. Because, just doing this will be a huge accomplishment and something I will never forget.

And, while this is for me I have also learned it’s not just about me. It’s about my family who have been so supportive of this crazy idea, my friends who text me every day encouragements and pump me up and give me crazy nicknames and promise me Reeses and listen to me talk about what I’m going to eat after the competition is over, it’s about the phenomenal women I have met who are going through the same thing or have already been through a competition and have become my friends, it’s about the friends I have made through this whole journey and while they tell me I have inspired them they have no idea how they inspire me. It’s about learning my limits, my weaknesses, my strengths. And, it’s about all the thanks I will be able to give to people who have supported me and put up with my cranky, hungry butt… especially on those low carb days when I feel half human. And, all the people who have had to deal with me heating up fish at work for the past four months.

Since this is all out in the open now I am going to probably be writing quite a bit about the competition. I am excited but super nervous right now. I have a lot of work to do between now and then. This week I am officially 10 weeks out from the competition date. 10 WEEKS!!!

So what is happening in the next 10 weeks? Well, as you know, I have received my lucite stripper heels… I’m sorry, “competition footwear”. Which will, obviously, be the easiest part of this whole deal because anyone who knows me knows I already walk around in 5″ stilettos most days anyway. I’ll be ordering my custom bikini soon (anyone wanna guess what color it is?!), paying for posing lessons, eating my life away in protein, counting macros all the day long, doing cardio 4-5 days a week (which I’ve already been doing for awhile) along with my daily lifting, drinking almost 2 gallons of water a day, trying to get plenty of sleep, and trying not to go crazy. Part of competition prep is leaning out, which means… yep, all those new clothes I just bought in the smallest size known to man will probably not fit. But, that part will be temporary. I’ll slowly work my way back up, after the competition, to where I am now weight wise. So, cue the “you look sick” comments now but just remember it’s not permanent and I have a lot of help in doing what I’m doing. Part of the reason I have picked up extra work hours (besides keeping my mind busy) is to help with competition costs. Once you add up your “apparel”, hair/nails/makeup, travel costs, food, posing lessons, a $100 spray tan (yes, you read that right), and any other extras it gets to be a little pricey. I’m planning on doing a lot of things on my own like my hair and makeup, etc. but there are some things I just have to bite the bullet on and spend the money.

But, the real excitement will be the pizza I am ordering from Giordano’s in Chicago to be shipped to my front door to devour after competition day. Yes, I am ordering pizza from Chicago. And, it will be epic. Oh, and probably the largest sweet tea from Chick-fil-A with extra extra ice. Yeeeeeaaahhhh buddy!

While the pizza will be exciting, I am really excited to do this and have the support of my loved ones. This has kind of become a group effort and to me that is really cool. Aside from graduating high school and college I haven’t done anything that has been a goal I’ve worked at for awhile. And, I didn’t really get to share my graduations with a lot of people so this competition is way more than just a competition – it’s a huge moment in my life that I get to share with the people I care about the most.

Hopefully I will get to celebrate a placement but even if I don’t, I will have come so far and done so much and had the best support system and really, what else could any of us ask for when we are going through life?

So, here’s to stripper heels, tiny bikinis, and a whole lotta crazy…

until next time, xoxo… patty lauren

Gone Girl

July 8, 2015 by patty lauren 7 Comments

This post was originally published around this time last year… I’ve updated a few things, but the original narrative remains unchanged.

Let’s Start at the Beginning, Shall We?

This story really begins in the summer of 2012 and all of 2013, 2014, and some of 2015. Once upon a time, I was a skinny teenager with deer legs who went through an incredibly awkward stage for what seemed like an incredibly long period of time.

Somewhere my Dad is crying from laughter.

As things happen and I got older, I gained a “normal” amount of weight. I also went through periods of time when I worked out and was in decent “shape” (aka: skinny fat). I loved Pilates and the elliptical. I wouldn’t do weights at the gym because I didn’t want to “get big.” Oh, how times have changed.

In 2012, I was getting ready to embark on a new life journey but not before I crammed a lot of living into that year. I had never rebelled as a teenager or young adult and now that I was finally living on my own I spent a good portion of that year indulging in life. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I can’t count the nights that 3am was when the night ended – often in the drive-thru of Krystal with my best friends at the time. One day I’ll write a salacious book about all of our escapades – maybe. While I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything but I would trade the way I treated my body. I was shoving life down my own throat and the food and drinks came along for the ride.

So, here I was in 2013 the most weight I had ever weighed. I tipped the scale at 155 lbs at 5’5” – that’s considered overweight. Don’t get me wrong – my goal has never been to be a stick, despite what some people may believe. Curvy? Awesome. Booty? Yes, please. Sexy and feminine? Check and check. Overweight, unhealthy, depressed, and feel trapped in a body that you know is not yours? Negative, nada, no thanks, and BAD. There is nothing that compares to feeling like you are a prisoner in your own body.

For a good portion of 2013 I kept on the same train – eating, drinking, and being merry. In late summer I had some personal things happen and I coped by losing weight. Guess how I did it? Ding ding ding!! I didn’t eat! Woohoo!! I’m so smart and I have a college degree. WRONG. So dumb. I was biking 8 miles a day and barely eating. Did I lose weight? Of course. Was I healthy? NO. Was it a sustainable lifestyle? NO. I was coping with emotions I didn’t know how to deal with and I was manipulating my body by starving myself physically, emotionally, and mentally.

As women, we often think if we can control our food and our body we can control everything else. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. You’ve got to get a grip on the rest of your life and then work on your physical. Otherwise, the results will never last. They will always be a band-aid for something else. If you’re happy with your body that’s all that matters. I wasn’t. I knew there was a foxy lady inside clawing to get out – I just didn’t know how to find her yet.

In late 2013 I started running with one of my good friends who had been in the Army and he really helped get me started on learning to run and getting some stamina. He would never let me stop – even if I was barely jogging. We would run for miles all around town and just talk. It was awesome and it developed my deep love of running. I kept up running for half of 2014 and ran several 5Ks, but not much else had changed. I was still in a vicious cycle of binge eating or not eating at all. I was in a relationship where pizza night and Netflix was a frequent occurrence and being active was not a priority. So, I quit running.

[Side note: this isn’t meant to be a reflection necessarily of my circumstance at the time, but please – do not get in a relationship with someone who is not on your level as far as drive and dedication or can’t respect your own. One or both of you is going to be sorely disappointed. You might be able to make it work for awhile but eventually someone is going to complain you spend too much time doing what your passion is if they don’t have one of their own. I love seeing couples who both are focused and work hard – even if it’s for different things – because they “get it.” They share they successes and their relationship is stronger for it.] <—- edit: I love reading this now 🤗

Losing the Old Self

By the fall of 2014 I was out of my relationship and existing – trying to figure out who I really was. I started, slowly, running again but I was still coasting. If you have followed my blog for any period of time, you have heard me say 2015 has been my best year yet. I spent the first part of 2015 in La La Land – I half assed a lot of things this year and ended up paying for it. I’ll never forget sitting in my best friend’s office bawling my eyes out one particularly difficult morning while someone I am very close to gave me a nice little talking-to on the phone. She said everything I needed to hear at the time. And, I’ll never forget this particularly tough love comment – “Patty Lauren doesn’t even know who Patty Lauren is.” Ouch. But, she was right. I didn’t.

The next few weeks really were just me trying to grope my way through my own darkness and trying to figure out who I was, who I needed to be, who I wanted to be… you know, things you’re supposed to have figured out in your twenties.

In March I started biking and running again. I had been kind of training for a half marathon (remember that half-assed comment? Yep, half-assing my running, too. Okay, I’m going to stop saying half-assing!) so I was trying to step that game up a little bit but I knew I had to do more. This was going to be my year. Amazingly enough for someone who hadn’t trained that hard I finished my half marathon in a little over three hours but I finished! Looking back it’s so cool to know I actually ran 13.1 miles. One of my best memories of my entire life.

Gym life: I hired a personal trainer at the beginning of May and haven’t looked back a day. Sure, I probably could have gone to the gym alone and winged it (didn’t say the other phrase) but I needed something different. I needed to be different. I have never felt such a drive and passion as I do know. Everything really started falling into place.

I still have my trainer and we work together twice a week. You should definitely check out Body by Hannah – I owe so much of my success to Hannah and my trainer Caitlin. I wouldn’t be where I am without having the opportunity to meet them – they have truly changed my life. <—- edit: WHAT!! Now I’m a trainer at Body by Hannah. I started shadowing Hannah at the beginning of the year, passed my certification in April, Caitlin moved to pursue her doctorate degree and I started getting my own clients at the studio. On September 1, 2016 I transitioned into being a full-time personal trainer at Body by Hannah. What I said will always be true – they changed my life and now I get to do what I’ve always been meant to do… it just took me a long time to get there.

At the time of this blog publication, I was up at 4:30am everyday and going to the gym 2x a day in preparation for my fitness competition. It’s been almost a year since then and I’ve settled into a couple of different routines since then. I try to walk or ride my bike at least 30 minutes everyday and I’m lifting weights in the gym anywhere from 3-5 days a week depending on if I’m doing full body workouts or splits. I’ve also enjoyed being able to try lots of new things, try some classes I’ve wanted to try, and stay active with friends during the week.

Blood, sweat, and tears – that’s a lot of what you don’t see. Am I tired? Yes. Right now I am working anywhere from 50-60 hours a week but I don’t let that become an excuse to not grind 100% every single day. Many of my days are 15, 16, 17 hours long… you make time for what is important. I know it’s not my job but that saying of waking up every day looking forward to your job – that’s how I feel about my life. <— my days are not as long anymore, but now what I love IS my job!! Woohoo!

Food – Edit: When I wrote this last summer I was counting macros (IIFYM)… it worked for me for a long time and especially in preparation for my show, but I officially stopped counting macros earlier this year and try to live more by the 80/20 rule. I try to eat a well balanced diet with lots of veggies and whole grains, fruit, good fats, etc. but I enjoy treats now and then. Cooking is again a huge part of my life and something I’ve learned to enjoy again. Counting macros zapped a lot of fun out of my daily life once I had done it for awhile and it was causing me more stress and obsessive tendencies than being mindful about my food.

The rest: The rest was meant to be as “the rest of the story”, but actual rest is so important. Fortunately for me, I was already in a relatively good pattern of going to bed at a decent hour. You have to listen to your body though. And, sometimes your body says “Go to bed at 8:30pm.” As much as this year as been a year of “yes” sometimes I have had to say “no.” And, sometimes you have to be willing to sit with your friends while they down pitchers of beers and plates of nachos and you’re like, “I’ll take another one of these savory lemon waters, please!”

I read – a lot. I’ve never read so much for learnable knowledge since college. I read a lot every day about nutrition and workouts and general fitness information. I listen – a lot. I try to be a sponge. Sometimes I’m a forgetful sponge so I have to ask again and again, but I ask. I’ve found some really awesome people through Instagram that I have been able to ask questions and follow to learn some invaluable information.

You know the saying about time passes anyway so you might as well do something with it? I cannot imagine my life if I had continued doing the same things I was four months ago. I would be heartbroken to know I had wasted 120 days of amazing living. Time is passing – you have each new day to make a decision to do something amazing. To try something new. To turn your life around. Your only limitations are the ones you put on yourself.

A lot of people have asked me how much weight I’ve lost and while I don’t mind discussing that I want to make it clear it’s not been just about the weight loss for me. It has been a COMPLETE life change. The biggest compliments are not the ones that say, “Wow, you’ve lost so much weight!” – they are the ones that say, “Wow, you look so different! You look so HAPPY.” I have never felt like this in my entire life and unless you’ve gone through a complete metamorphosis it is hard to explain in words. Total, I have lost over 40 lbs. of body weight. I also lost 40 lbs. of emotional weight,anxiety weight,depression weight and gained more life than I could have ever imagined having.

There are days I have cried because I think about how I felt before – how I felt inside compared to what I looked like on the outside. It wasn’t me. Part of me is sad that I wasted so many years settling to be mediocre myself, but I believe in God’s perfect timing and I truly believe I had to live all of those years the way I was and go through the things I have to be 1,000% dedicated to my life today. He knew when I would be truly ready – it just took me a little while to get here.

If you’ve braved through this whole narrative I’ll leave you with this: Don’t let anything stop you from being who you know you are destined to be. Whether it be a great mom, a loving wife, an amazing friend, a lawyer, a doctor, or just a happy person. We limit ourselves for thousands of reasons but we only need one reason to start living our full lives – because why not? Why not start TODAY to start a new direction? The minutes are passing by… ticking slowly off the clock. What are you going to do with your time today? I promise you, you will never be sorry you started.

Stilettos & Sneakers

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Gone Girl

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