Moonshine & Wanderlust

... a cosmopolitan view from a southern perspective

Bikini Blues

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This week puts me at six weeks out from one of the biggest things I have ever set out to do. It may seem silly to some people, but I haven’t set such a lofty goal for myself since graduating college. If you see me staring off into space chances are I am not thinking about my love life, but I am thinking about prepping for my competition. Or, I am thinking about food. Working hard, keeping a strong mental game… it’s consumed my every day life. For now. It’s not permanent and I am very glad to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and to resume a more normal life, but for now this is the most important thing I have going on.

I have had to make time to rest, I have had to say no to going out and doing things, I have had to sacrifice a lot… No one has asked me to do this, but I have chosen to do it. I am learning big lessons in self discipline and self control and I don’t think I ever would have learned them if I had not decided to enter this competition.

After a restful holiday weekend and getting back on track with getting good amounts of sleep, I want to hit on a few aspects I’ve been thinking about the past couple of weeks but honestly have been too tired to write about.

 

Food – (duh, of course this is gonna be first):

Some days I feel like Veruca Salt… “Cream buns and doughnuts and fruitcake with no nuts
So good you could go nuts…” Forget the golden goose and all that – just gimme all the sweets. I find myself perusing the aisles of my local shopping haunts just to lust after the packaged goods. I find myself thinking about what everything tastes like and the texture and the smell. I guess I am learning to appreciate my senses, right? I also have found myself wanting to eat things I never have before or didn’t think I would like, etc. I suppose it’s the whole “you can’t have this” so you want it philosophy.

In ways, it has gotten easier. But, in other ways it is getting extremely difficult. I am so close, but I have  deprived myself so long of certain things that I spend a lot of time thinking about eating anything and everything I can’t eat. It’s not really a good place to be – that’s why prep is temporary.

I have a few things that I am planning on enjoying… Part of my traveling posse is coming up the evening before I leave for Memphis to go grocery shopping with me for a few goodies. Right now I know the three things that are on my list:

Reeses

Brownie Batter Oreos

Pizza (remember, I’m having it shipped from Giordanos in Chicago. Yes, I am crazy.)

Oh, and a VENTI Starbucks. Immediately after the show is over. Gimme dat Sbux!

One of my friends going is also making me some type of decadent Reeses brownies so there’s that. I know I’m probably going to have a real bad tummy ache, so I am going to genuinely just try to have a few bites of each thing and not go crazy. I’ve read too many stories about post show rebound and I’m not wanting to experience that in any way.

I have learned so much and know enough that I am cautious but not worried about my eating habits post-show. I’m looking forward to setting new goals in the gym and eating to fuel my body.

The Whys:

Someone said to me recently, “Why a bikini competition? Do you really need to get in a bikini in front of a bunch of strangers to have them tell you you’re pretty? I can do that for you without you having to go to all that trouble.” WHUT. If anyone thinks I am doing this to be told I’m “pretty”, you really don’t know me and/or you really have no idea what a fitness competition entails.

First of all – I am a naturally very shy person. I’m an introvert (an INTJ for you Myers Briggs lovers) and it takes me awhile to come out of my shell with people. It takes a lot of time and me being comfortable. And, while I’m a lover of a good selfie and OOTD (outfit of the day) picture I don’t post a bunch of pictures of my body all over the internet, etc. That’s just not who I am. There’s nothing wrong with that, in my eyes, but I choose not to do that at this point.

This is not an ego stroke or a self esteem boost. I don’t know why anyone would put themselves through the literal hell, at times, of prep just to be told they’re pretty or they have a good body. Think about it. A normal competition prep is usually at least 12 weeks (I’ve been doing it longer), you are very restricted on food for the most part (carbs, anyone?), it’s expensive (suit, tan, shoes, jewelry, entry fees, membership fees, hotel, travel, gas, etc.), it’s isolating at times, you are in the gym at least 6 days a week and towards the end you are in there two or more times a day, and the hardest part… it’s a mental mind game. If you need to be told you’re pretty in a bikini, go throw one on and head down to your local bar. This is a fitness competition, not a who has the biggest … well, anyway.

I want to raise more awareness of what these competitions represent because I can understand what people think they are about… but it’s so much more than that. Even if I get up there and don’t place, I am getting up there to be judged on the work I have put in for hours. It’s a reflection of how strong I can be, how hard I have worked, how I have fallen down but gotten back up and tried again. I was very hurt when someone close to me told me they didn’t support me and believed what I was doing was not “Godly.” The Bible tells us our body is a temple – the Bible tells us not to be gluttons – Daniel fasted and ate only certain foods to draw closer to God. The Bible warns us against being drunkards, giving away our bodies, and defiling them. The Bible is full of examples of how important our physical bodies are to Christ. I have chosen to better my body that God gave me… it’s healthy, I have the ability to change it and to watch what I put inside of it – and far beyond the physical changes I have seen I have had so many more emotional and life changes because of this journey (more on that in another section).

This prep has taken everything out of me, twisted it around, put it back together, and is still hard every single day. I have learned so much about myself – I feel like I could do anything. I know I can do anything I set my mind to. I have seen too many good things and really had to learn to trust God so much in these past few weeks that I can’t imagine it not being a spiritual journey as well as a physical one.

I never set out on my fitness path to do a bikini competition. That was never a thought – I didn’t even know what they were! I set out to be a better me, to get my body fit and in shape, and to change my life. The competition was a by-product of that and gave me a huge goal to set for myself in so many areas. Once the competition is over, I will continue to set new goals and train. This is just a slice of the pie. PIE! Food… see, it always happens.

The Negatives:

It’s really been interesting that the amount of negative things have almost completely gone away from outside sources. I think people who doubted my intentions or doubted I would follow through have since realized differently and they have either fallen by the wayside or they are supporting me 100%. I feel extremely fortunate to have the support system I do, but more on that later.

Obviously, negatives are I am tired and hungry. I hit a wall about a week ago with my sleep and was told by a few key people in my life right now that I had to sleep or I was going to do myself more harm than good. So, getting my sleep has been top priority for me behind training and hitting my macro goals.

Washing dishes?! Yes, this is stupid but for real… I can only wash so many more Tupperware containers. I don’t have a dishwasher and my manicures are suffering.

Going to the gym more than once a day. I think it’ll be fine to go more than once every now and then, maybe, but once prep is over… once a day will be juuuuuuuust fine.

I know by following IIFYM I can really eat “anything” as long as it fits in my macro count, but I have gotten to the place where I’ve really tried to cut out the treats and just save my “fun” macros for peanut butter or a Lenny and Larry’s cookie or something like that. I’m apprehensive of fitting too many donuts or Starbucks in at this point. That works for some people, but for this being my first show and for having some of the binge eating episodes I have had, I just want to really try and keep things locked down until the end.

That being said – it’s been very difficult to go to fun social events or go out of town and watch other people eat cupcakes or ice cream or snack all day and have to constantly refrain or say no. It’s wearing on me. But, the end is near…

The Positives:

I saved this for last because it’s my favorite. No one can tell me God has not has His hand completely in my life the past several months. From the emotional and mental changes to the physical… I know I wouldn’t have been able to come this far without relying on my God.

One of the goals my therapist set for me this summer was to get out and meet more people and try to make more friends. This isn’t something I’ve really elaborated on, but I feel like this just shows how things can work together. I’ve always been someone who waited until someone wanted to be friends with me first. I’ve never sought out relationships of any kind. Of course I could get down into the whys of this but that’s not something I’m touching on today. The point is since that conversation with her I have made more new friendships or really started to get to know people I didn’t know that well before. I have had more support from people that I never would have thought would have supported me or even knew who I was than I could ever have imagined.

I get daily text messages of encouragement from so many people or I will see someone out in town and they will say just the smallest bit of encouragement to me… they have no idea how I cling to these jewels right now. Those things get me through. They give me strength. That’s why I am such a proponent now of telling people things when you want to – don’t think “Oh, they’ve heard that. Oh, someone else is telling them that.” NO. Tell them. Encourage them. You have no idea if your words are the very ones that gets someone to make a better decision, or to turn away from something harmful, or just get them through another day.  

People will come up to my and ask me about what I’ve been doing, ask me questions about the competition. It’s become easier for me to start to come out of that shell I had around myself and engage with those around me. Partly because I feel completely comfortable with myself now but also because I realize that not everyone is out to get me or sabotage me and friendships and learning and growing through other people is a really wonderful, God given thing.

There are a couple of women in my life I have met recently that have become rocks in this journey and I know we will continue to develop friendships after October, but their advice and walking along beside me is sometimes the only thing that gets me through a day.

I have met so many awesome people and learned from them… They inspire me. The people I have met in the fitness industry and those who are heavily into this lifestyle are some of the nicest, most genuine, and kind people I have ever met in my life. I would have thought the opposite before I got into all of this, but I have found no jealousy, no competitive comments, no judgments… only lifting up, encouragement, help, advice, and complete acceptance.

People who were my friends but have since disappeared out of my life or laughed off my goals or admitted they feel I am competition to them… those are sad moments for me, but I realize those chapters are over. Some I have had to close myself and it’s not something the old Patty Lauren would have done. It would have killed me to shut doors completely, but I can do it now because I am strong and I am learning a little bit more what is and isn’t beneficial to my future.

People who I didn’t think would support me or maybe I have had bumpy moments with have stepped up, told me how proud they are of me, been incredibly supportive, genuinely interesting in what is going on… It just goes to show you really cannot judge how someone is going to react. Sometimes the very people we think will abandon us are the ones who give us those pep talks and bits of encouragement that we need.

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Entering the home stretch… hard days are every day as I face temptations and challenges and try to keep focused, but no matter what… everything I have gained outweighs every sacrifice. Caitlin, my trainer, always tell me: “Finish strong!!” She’s full of good quotes but that is one of my favorites and one I have to keep reminding myself of.

Regardless of what came before or of what has yet to come, what matters most is how you choose to respond to the challenge in front of you. Will you lie down or will you fight? The choice is yours. Choose to Finish Strong! -Dan Green

I’m Doing a What???

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If you have read my blog any the past few months you may remember reading about me saying I had set some pretty big goals for myself. Or, if you follow me on Instagram you may have seen a few hashtags about bikinis and competition and prep. A few of you reading this already know what I am talking about and I am finally ready to share what all this craziness has been about with everyone else. A few months ago I decided to compete in a fitness competition. If you knew the old me you are probably thinking I have really lost my mind. This is so far from my comfort zone it ain’t even funny. But, hey, I’m doing it!

When someone first suggested it to me, I said, “Noooooo not meeeeee. Das not for me.” Because when I thought of a fitness competition I thought about some super ripped up woman about twice my size and the color of a nice mahogany table passed down for several generations. However, the world of competing has progressed significantly from what I remember seeing as a kid and there are now several different types of divisions. For me, I chose to be a bikini competitor.

What does being a bikini competitor mean? Well, the top 5 girls out of each class place. The open classes are divided up by height and there is also a novice (first timer) class. I’ll be competing in both a novice class and an open class for my height. The competitors in bikini divisions are judged on their “proportion, symmetry, balance, shape and skin tone.” It also means getting up in front of lots and lots of people in a really tiny bikini. A very expensive, tiny bikini that will be glued on to my skin.

My Dad is SUPER excited I’ll be on a stage in dental floss. But, for real… he’s proud of me. He’ll just show up with a big black garbage bag to wrap me up in afterwards, I’m sure. It’s gonna be fun times.

Why a bikini competition? Because I wanted to do something so huge it scared me. I wanted to push myself and push my body and push my mental state (which actually is way harder than the physical part – just FYI). I wanted to do something so far outside of what I was comfortable with because I want to GROW. I may do this once and never do it again. Or, maybe I’ll find a new hobby. That’s not the point. And, while I am learning as the weeks get closer I am really eyeing a trophy, I will be okay if I don’t place. Because, just doing this will be a huge accomplishment and something I will never forget.

And, while this is for me I have also learned it’s not just about me. It’s about my family who have been so supportive of this crazy idea, my friends who text me every day encouragements and pump me up and give me crazy nicknames and promise me Reeses and listen to me talk about what I’m going to eat after the competition is over, it’s about the phenomenal women I have met who are going through the same thing or have already been through a competition and have become my friends, it’s about the friends I have made through this whole journey and while they tell me I have inspired them they have no idea how they inspire me. It’s about learning my limits, my weaknesses, my strengths. And, it’s about all the thanks I will be able to give to people who have supported me and put up with my cranky, hungry butt… especially on those low carb days when I feel half human. And, all the people who have had to deal with me heating up fish at work for the past four months.

Since this is all out in the open now I am going to probably be writing quite a bit about the competition. I am excited but super nervous right now. I have a lot of work to do between now and then. This week I am officially 10 weeks out from the competition date. 10 WEEKS!!!

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So what is happening in the next 10 weeks? Well, as you know, I have received my lucite stripper heels… I’m sorry, “competition footwear”. Which will, obviously, be the easiest part of this whole deal because anyone who knows me knows I already walk around in 5″ stilettos most days anyway. I’ll be ordering my custom bikini soon (anyone wanna guess what color it is?!), paying for posing lessons, eating my life away in protein, counting macros all the day long, doing cardio 4-5 days a week (which I’ve already been doing for awhile) along with my daily lifting, drinking almost 2 gallons of water a day, trying to get plenty of sleep, and trying not to go crazy. Part of competition prep is leaning out, which means… yep, all those new clothes I just bought in the smallest size known to man will probably not fit. But, that part will be temporary. I’ll slowly work my way back up, after the competition, to where I am now weight wise. So, cue the “you look sick” comments now but just remember it’s not permanent and I have a lot of help in doing what I’m doing. Part of the reason I have picked up extra work hours (besides keeping my mind busy) is to help with competition costs. Once you add up your “apparel”, hair/nails/makeup, travel costs, food, posing lessons, a $100 spray tan (yes, you read that right), and any other extras it gets to be a little pricey. I’m planning on doing a lot of things on my own like my hair and makeup, etc. but there are some things I just have to bite the bullet on and spend the money.

But, the real excitement will be the pizza I am ordering from Giordano’s in Chicago to be shipped to my front door to devour after competition day. Yes, I am ordering pizza from Chicago. And, it will be epic. Oh, and probably the largest sweet tea from Chick-fil-A with extra extra ice. Yeeeeeaaahhhh buddy!

While the pizza will be exciting, I am really excited to do this and have the support of my loved ones. This has kind of become a group effort and to me that is really cool. Aside from graduating high school and college I haven’t done anything that has been a goal I’ve worked at for awhile. And, I didn’t really get to share my graduations with a lot of people so this competition is way more than just a competition – it’s a huge moment in my life that I get to share with the people I care about the most.

Hopefully I will get to celebrate a placement but even if I don’t, I will have come so far and done so much and had the best support system and really, what else could any of us ask for when we are going through life?

So, here’s to stripper heels, tiny bikinis, and a whole lotta crazy…

      until next time, xoxo… patty lauren

Cold Turkey

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“Free cheese is always available in mousetraps.” – Unknown

Do you ever try to bargain with yourself? You know – “I’ll just have a small slice of this chocolate cake”, “I’ll just have one drink,” “I’ll go workout tomorrow.” We all have. Some of us are better bargainers than others. I’ve played that game with myself for years. Usually it’s where relationships are concerned. We all have our bargaining weak spots – relationships, food, working out, alcohol, etc. It’s a power play against our will and our weaknesses.

Recently I needed to stop at the grocery store to pickup 3 things: egg whites, tuna, and a sweet potato. I only had $3 in cash because I lost my debit card (more on that story coming another day – it involves running out of gas. Don’t ask.) so I was having to be very selective in my purchases. Somehow between the tuna and the egg whites my body found itself on this aisle:

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I think they purposely put this type of stuff on the end of the aisle so you can’t help but see it and stop when you walk by. Let me preface all this to say I don’t think I have EVER bought a whole package of Oreos to keep at my house. I don’t keep sweets in my house, period. Maybe some chocolate but that’s it. I enjoy baking and cooking but I’m not someone who has a snack cabinet or anything like that. However, s’mores are one of my favorite little treats ever (I went through a phase where I had one every night before bed) and I am extremely intrigued by these s’mores Oreos. I’m more of a Reeses gal myself, but these days anything and everything hydrogenated and sugary is looking reeeeeeal good.

You see, when you dial certain things down or completely out of your life sometimes there is this thing that rears its ugly head. That little thing is called temptation. Ah, yes. Whether it’s my body tempting me to eat a whole package of Oreos or my mind tempting me to sabotage my sanity, temptation is rampant. And, even more so when you are trying to be “good.” Whatever that means to you. The temptation is always 1,000% stronger and harder to fight when you are on the straight and narrow. This could apply to hundreds of things – pick your personal poison.

If you read Gone Girl you know I am following the IIFYM (If It Fits Your Macros) lifestyle right now. Love it. Could I eat a few Oreos and stay on track? Absolutely. Could I eat a few Oreos and stop there? Eeehhh. Not on this particular night. I would probably have bargained with myself and eaten way more than a few and then told myself I’d make it up some other way. I know myself pretty well these days and weak PL was looking at those s’mores Oreos like she looks at a new pair of high heels on sale.

So – I walked away. I said no. I didn’t bargain. Because, bargaining often leads to losing. I’ve come too far to tempt myself. Do I eat sweets? Of course. But, I stay within my macros. Am I going to do this forever? Probably not, but I have some super specific goals right now and I have worked far too hard and far too long to bargain my way into a few moments of pleasure. Because, isn’t that really what temptation and bargaining with ourselves is about? A few moments of pleasure for something that won’t last? Something that feels good in the moment but ultimately leaves us feeling empty and more broken than before?

Cutting bad things out of your life is never easy. Sometimes we try to keep “a little” bit to hang on to – because it feels good, because it’s comfortable, because we’re having a bad day and a “little bit” of our old life makes a feel a little better. Temporarily.

Unfortunately, the real temptations in life for most of us aren’t food but are things that are more damaging to our mental and emotional well being than our physical well being. They hurt our hearts and impede our growth. We take ten steps forward only to look back in a moment of weakness and wake up to find ourselves five steps backwards. For most of my adult life when I have found myself in these types of situations it has taken me a long time to finally get to the cold turkey point. I waver, I struggle, I bargain, and I “what if” and “maybe if” in my mind until I’m physically exhausted.

Once I get to the point of never looking back something always clicks inside of me. Once I’m done, I’m done. Are there moments of temptation? Absolutely. Are there moments of struggle? Yes. But, they get so much easier. Promise. It’s worth it – to not look back, to not give in, to stand your ground, to be strong – to find out who you REALLY are, not who you think you’re supposed to be.

When you’re tempted to go back “just a little” to something that you know you are going to have a difficult time picking yourself up from – run the other way. Remember why you have moved on. Remember why you started. Remember why you are stronger than you were before.

There are no “do-overs” in this life – don’t waste your days on weakness. You are stronger than you could ever imagine if you just remember to not give up, give in, or give out.

Gone Girl

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This post was originally published around this time last year… I’ve updated a few things, but the original narrative remains unchanged. 

Let’s Start at the Beginning, Shall We?

This story really begins in the summer of 2012 and  all of 2013, 2014, and some of 2015. Once upon a time, I was a skinny teenager with deer legs who went through an incredibly awkward stage for what seemed like an incredibly long period of time.

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Somewhere my Dad is crying from laughter.

As things happen and I got older, I gained a “normal” amount of weight. I also went through periods of time when I worked out and was in decent “shape” (aka: skinny fat). I loved Pilates and the elliptical. I wouldn’t do weights at the gym because I didn’t want to “get big.” Oh, how times have changed.

In 2012, I was getting ready to embark on a new life journey but not before I crammed a lot of living into that year. I had never rebelled as a teenager or young adult and now that I was finally living on my own I spent a good portion of that year indulging in life. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I can’t count the nights that 3am was when the night ended – often in the drive-thru of Krystal with my best friends at the time. One day I’ll write a salacious book about all of our escapades – maybe. While I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything but I would trade the way I treated my body. I was shoving life down my own throat and the food and drinks came along for the ride.

So, here I was in 2013 the most weight I had ever weighed. I tipped the scale at 155 lbs at 5’5” – that’s considered overweight. Don’t get me wrong – my goal has never been to be a stick, despite what some people may believe. Curvy? Awesome. Booty? Yes, please. Sexy and feminine? Check and check. Overweight, unhealthy, depressed, and feel trapped in a body that you know is not yours? Negative, nada, no thanks, and BAD. There is nothing that compares to feeling like you are a prisoner in your own body.

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For a good portion of 2013 I kept on the same train – eating, drinking, and being merry. In late summer I had some personal things happen and I coped by losing weight. Guess how I did it? Ding ding ding!! I didn’t eat! Woohoo!! I’m so smart and I have a college degree. WRONG. So dumb. I was biking 8 miles a day and barely eating. Did I lose weight? Of course. Was I healthy? NO. Was it a sustainable lifestyle? NO. I was coping with emotions I didn’t know how to deal with and I was manipulating my body by starving myself physically, emotionally, and mentally.

As women, we often think if we can control our food and our body we can control everything else. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. You’ve got to get a grip on the rest of your life and then work on your physical. Otherwise, the results will never last. They will always be a band-aid for something else. If you’re happy with your body that’s all that matters. I wasn’t. I knew there was a foxy lady inside clawing to get out – I just didn’t know how to find her yet.

In late 2013 I started running with one of my good friends who had been in the Army and he really helped get me started on learning to run and getting some stamina. He would never let me stop – even if I was barely jogging. We would run for miles all around town and just talk. It was awesome and it developed my deep love of running. I kept up running for half of 2014 and ran several 5Ks, but not much else had changed. I was still in a vicious cycle of binge eating or not eating at all. I was in a relationship where pizza night and Netflix was a frequent occurrence and being active was not a priority. So, I quit running.

[Side note: this isn’t meant to be a reflection necessarily of my circumstance at the time, but please – do not get in a relationship with someone who is not on your level as far as drive and dedication or can’t respect your own. One or both of you is going to be sorely disappointed. You might be able to make it work for awhile but eventually someone is going to complain you spend too much time doing what your passion is if they don’t have one of their own. I love seeing couples who both are focused and work hard – even if it’s for different things – because they “get it.” They share they successes and their relationship is stronger for it.] <—- edit: I love reading this now 🤗

Losing the Old Self

By the fall of 2014 I was out of my relationship and existing – trying to figure out who I really was. I started, slowly, running again but I was still coasting. If you have followed my blog for any period of time, you have heard me say 2015 has been my best year yet. I spent the first part of 2015 in La La Land – I half assed a lot of things this year and ended up paying for it. I’ll never forget sitting in my best friend’s office bawling my eyes out one particularly difficult morning while someone I am very close to gave me a nice little talking-to on the phone. She said everything I needed to hear at the time. And, I’ll never forget this particularly tough love comment – “Patty Lauren doesn’t even know who Patty Lauren is.” Ouch. But, she was right. I didn’t.

The next few weeks really were just me trying to grope my way through my own darkness and trying to figure out who I was, who I needed to be, who I wanted to be… you know, things you’re supposed to have figured out in your twenties.

In March I started biking and running again. I had been kind of training for a half marathon (remember that half-assed comment? Yep, half-assing my running, too. Okay, I’m going to stop saying half-assing!) so I was trying to step that game up a little bit but I knew I had to do more. This was going to be my year. Amazingly enough for someone who hadn’t trained that hard I finished my half marathon in a little over three hours but I finished! Looking back it’s so cool to know I actually ran 13.1 miles. One of my best memories of my entire life.

Gym life: I hired a personal trainer at the beginning of May and haven’t looked back a day. Sure, I probably could have gone to the gym alone and winged it (didn’t say the other phrase) but I needed something different. I needed to be different. I have never felt such a drive and passion as I do know. Everything really started falling into place.

I still have my trainer and we work together twice a week. You should definitely check out Body by Hannah – I owe so much of my success to Hannah and my trainer Caitlin. I wouldn’t be where I am without having the opportunity to meet them – they have truly changed my life. <—- edit: WHAT!! Now I’m a trainer at Body by Hannah. I started shadowing Hannah at the beginning of the year, passed my certification in April, Caitlin moved to pursue her doctorate degree and I started getting my own clients at the studio. On September 1, 2016 I transitioned into being a full-time personal trainer at Body by Hannah. What I said will always be true – they changed my life and now I get to do what I’ve always been meant to do… it just took me a long time to get there. 

 At the time of this blog publication, I was up at 4:30am everyday and going to the gym 2x a day in preparation for my fitness competition. It’s been almost a year since then and I’ve settled into a couple of different routines since then. I try to walk or ride my bike at least 30 minutes everyday and I’m lifting weights in the gym anywhere from 3-5 days a week depending on if I’m doing full body workouts or splits. I’ve also enjoyed being able to try lots of new things, try some classes I’ve wanted to try, and stay active with friends during the week. 

Blood, sweat, and tears – that’s a lot of what you don’t see. Am I tired? Yes. Right now I am working anywhere from 50-60 hours a week but I don’t let that become an excuse to not grind 100% every single day. Many of my days are 15, 16, 17 hours long… you make time for what is important. I know it’s not my job but that saying of waking up every day looking forward to your job – that’s how I feel about my life. <— my days are not as long anymore, but now what I love IS my job!! Woohoo! 

Food – Edit: When I wrote this last summer I was counting macros (IIFYM)… it worked for me for a long time and especially in preparation for my show, but I officially stopped counting macros earlier this year and try to live more by the 80/20 rule. I try to eat a well balanced diet with lots of veggies and whole grains, fruit, good fats, etc. but I enjoy treats now and then. Cooking is again a huge part of my life and something I’ve learned to enjoy again. Counting macros zapped a lot of fun out of my daily life once I had done it for awhile and it was causing me more stress and obsessive tendencies than being mindful about my food.  

The rest: The rest was meant to be as “the rest of the story”, but actual rest is so important. Fortunately for me, I was already in a relatively good pattern of going to bed at a decent hour. You have to listen to your body though. And, sometimes your body says “Go to bed at 8:30pm.” As much as this year as been a year of “yes” sometimes I have had to say “no.” And, sometimes you have to be willing to sit with your friends while they down pitchers of beers and plates of nachos and you’re like, “I’ll take another one of these savory lemon waters, please!”

I read – a lot. I’ve never read so much for learnable knowledge since college. I read a lot every day about nutrition and workouts and general fitness information. I listen – a lot. I try to be a sponge. Sometimes I’m a forgetful sponge so I have to ask again and again, but I ask. I’ve found some really awesome people through Instagram that I have been able to ask questions and follow to learn some invaluable information.

You know the saying about time passes anyway so you might as well do something with it? I cannot imagine my life if I had continued doing the same things I was four months ago. I would be heartbroken to know I had wasted 120 days of amazing living. Time is passing – you have each new day to make a decision to do something amazing. To try something new. To turn your life around. Your only limitations are the ones you put on yourself.

A lot of people have asked me how much weight I’ve lost and while I don’t mind discussing that I want to make it clear it’s not been just about the weight loss for me. It has been a COMPLETE life change. The biggest compliments are not the ones that say, “Wow, you’ve lost so much weight!” – they are the ones that say, “Wow, you look so different! You look so HAPPY.” I have never felt like this in my entire life and unless you’ve gone through a complete metamorphosis it is hard to explain in words. Total, I have lost over 40 lbs. of body weight. I also lost 40 lbs. of emotional weight,anxiety weight,depression weight and gained more life than I could have ever imagined having.

There are days I have cried because I think about how I felt before – how I felt inside compared to what I looked like on the outside. It wasn’t me. Part of me is sad that I wasted so many years settling to be mediocre myself, but I believe in God’s perfect timing and I truly believe I had to live all of those years the way I was and go through the things I have to be 1,000% dedicated to my life today. He knew when I would be truly ready – it just took me a little while to get here.

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If you’ve braved through this whole narrative I’ll leave you with this: Don’t let anything stop you from being who you know you are destined to be. Whether it be a great mom, a loving wife, an amazing friend, a lawyer, a doctor, or just a happy person. We limit ourselves for thousands of reasons but we only need one reason to start living our full lives – because why not? Why not start TODAY to start a new direction? The minutes are passing by… ticking slowly off the clock. What are you going to do with your time today? I promise you, you will never be sorry you started.

Little Victories

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This week was hard. Emotionally. Physically. I have been physically exhausted for almost two weeks… nothing has changed in my routine but I find days where I can barely keep my eyes open and my body is just plum drained (like that Southernism?) My chest has been tight and it’s almost like I can’t get a good breath. I don’t know what’s going on – we’ll blame it on a couple late nights and too much sun. That’s what summer is about, right? Right.

Thankfully, this weekend has been a much needed mix of productivity and relaxation. When my mind slows down too much I start thinking too much and that just leads to trouble. So, here I sit watching one of my all time favorite TV shows – the classic Charlie’s Angels (can we just have a moment of silence for how beautiful they all were? Hair envy, clothes envy… I was born in the wrong decade) – and finding renewal and hope in small victories.

It’s easy to get consumed with all of the things that could be better, are wrong, make us sad, make life difficult, etc. As humans we tend to be experts on zeroing in on the one or two things that aren’t going our way and forget about the dozens of things that are good. But, there is so much that IS good.

This week I did something I’ve never done before – I went to the gym alone. Let me clarify – I go to the gym plenty alone but it’s only to run on the treadmill or go to a class. I have never, ever gone alone to do any type of lifting or other activity. It used to terrify me to even think about it. Not many people know this about me but I really don’t like doing stuff by myself. It sounds stupid, I know. Especially living alone and being single. But, it’s not my first choice. I’d much rather have someone with me to go places or do things – even the mundane stuff like go to the grocery store. Obviously, I’ve learned to function and I do plenty of things alone. But, there are still areas where I cringe to think of flying solo and the gym has long been one of them.

So, Saturday morning I was the first one at the gym and I plugged away at my circuits and I even asked for help. Instead of not doing something or being scared to ask, I asked for help and I actually got some really helpful information. And, I killed my workout like a boss – gym creepers and all!

Sunday morning came and I did something I haven’t done in a very long time. I went to church alone. I couldn’t tell you the last time that happened. Was it scary? Yes. Did I survive and was it worth it? Yes. It was another little victory.

You may be reading this and have no problem going to the gym alone or going to church alone. But, maybe you struggle in other areas. Maybe you have a hard time speaking up, or saying no, or maybe you let other people make you feel guilty…

I’ve been reading a book the past week – Stronger Than You Think: Becoming Whole Without Having to be Perfect – and there is so much I want to share with you about it but one of the resonating themes is being our whole, authentic selves. And, when we let pesky things like fear creep into our lives and restrict us we are not being our whole God made beings. It’s not just a disservice to ourselves but those around us. We are not being entirely authentic. I hope my readers feel I am authentic with them. I feel so much encouragement from your words – you help me be a better person.

As we go through the motions of our week it is easy to become stuck in a rut and focus on the things that make our lives even more mundane or difficult. But, what if we chose something each week to conquer – even if it something small? We come closer to being whole. We focus on becoming better, striving harder to become closer to who we are authentically. We come closer to achieving our goals and following our passions.

If you find yourself having a hard day don’t let it get you down. Try to focus on the good you have in your life – the blessings you have, the love you have, the friends you have. Focus on looking outward – to helping others around you. Giving them encouragement or helping pick them up when they are down. And, don’t let small victories in your life go unnoticed. Celebrate them. Be proud of them – for they are what make you strong.

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