Moonshine & Wanderlust

... a cosmopolitan view from a southern perspective

Cold Turkey

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“Free cheese is always available in mousetraps.” – Unknown

Do you ever try to bargain with yourself? You know – “I’ll just have a small slice of this chocolate cake”, “I’ll just have one drink,” “I’ll go workout tomorrow.” We all have. Some of us are better bargainers than others. I’ve played that game with myself for years. Usually it’s where relationships are concerned. We all have our bargaining weak spots – relationships, food, working out, alcohol, etc. It’s a power play against our will and our weaknesses.

Recently I needed to stop at the grocery store to pickup 3 things: egg whites, tuna, and a sweet potato. I only had $3 in cash because I lost my debit card (more on that story coming another day – it involves running out of gas. Don’t ask.) so I was having to be very selective in my purchases. Somehow between the tuna and the egg whites my body found itself on this aisle:

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I think they purposely put this type of stuff on the end of the aisle so you can’t help but see it and stop when you walk by. Let me preface all this to say I don’t think I have EVER bought a whole package of Oreos to keep at my house. I don’t keep sweets in my house, period. Maybe some chocolate but that’s it. I enjoy baking and cooking but I’m not someone who has a snack cabinet or anything like that. However, s’mores are one of my favorite little treats ever (I went through a phase where I had one every night before bed) and I am extremely intrigued by these s’mores Oreos. I’m more of a Reeses gal myself, but these days anything and everything hydrogenated and sugary is looking reeeeeeal good.

You see, when you dial certain things down or completely out of your life sometimes there is this thing that rears its ugly head. That little thing is called temptation. Ah, yes. Whether it’s my body tempting me to eat a whole package of Oreos or my mind tempting me to sabotage my sanity, temptation is rampant. And, even more so when you are trying to be “good.” Whatever that means to you. The temptation is always 1,000% stronger and harder to fight when you are on the straight and narrow. This could apply to hundreds of things – pick your personal poison.

If you read Gone Girl you know I am following the IIFYM (If It Fits Your Macros) lifestyle right now. Love it. Could I eat a few Oreos and stay on track? Absolutely. Could I eat a few Oreos and stop there? Eeehhh. Not on this particular night. I would probably have bargained with myself and eaten way more than a few and then told myself I’d make it up some other way. I know myself pretty well these days and weak PL was looking at those s’mores Oreos like she looks at a new pair of high heels on sale.

So – I walked away. I said no. I didn’t bargain. Because, bargaining often leads to losing. I’ve come too far to tempt myself. Do I eat sweets? Of course. But, I stay within my macros. Am I going to do this forever? Probably not, but I have some super specific goals right now and I have worked far too hard and far too long to bargain my way into a few moments of pleasure. Because, isn’t that really what temptation and bargaining with ourselves is about? A few moments of pleasure for something that won’t last? Something that feels good in the moment but ultimately leaves us feeling empty and more broken than before?

Cutting bad things out of your life is never easy. Sometimes we try to keep “a little” bit to hang on to – because it feels good, because it’s comfortable, because we’re having a bad day and a “little bit” of our old life makes a feel a little better. Temporarily.

Unfortunately, the real temptations in life for most of us aren’t food but are things that are more damaging to our mental and emotional well being than our physical well being. They hurt our hearts and impede our growth. We take ten steps forward only to look back in a moment of weakness and wake up to find ourselves five steps backwards. For most of my adult life when I have found myself in these types of situations it has taken me a long time to finally get to the cold turkey point. I waver, I struggle, I bargain, and I “what if” and “maybe if” in my mind until I’m physically exhausted.

Once I get to the point of never looking back something always clicks inside of me. Once I’m done, I’m done. Are there moments of temptation? Absolutely. Are there moments of struggle? Yes. But, they get so much easier. Promise. It’s worth it – to not look back, to not give in, to stand your ground, to be strong – to find out who you REALLY are, not who you think you’re supposed to be.

When you’re tempted to go back “just a little” to something that you know you are going to have a difficult time picking yourself up from – run the other way. Remember why you have moved on. Remember why you started. Remember why you are stronger than you were before.

There are no “do-overs” in this life – don’t waste your days on weakness. You are stronger than you could ever imagine if you just remember to not give up, give in, or give out.

In the Spring

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When I was younger, my mom would say to me: “People come into our lives for a season and we don’t know how long they will stay, but they will leave you at some point. Enjoy them while they are in your life, but remember to be careful.” I remember getting genuinely angry when she would say this to me – it always came off as some sort of heeding or buzz kill. I hated it. And, I think I hated her saying it because I never wanted to acknowledge that someone I cared about would leave. That doesn’t happen – when you care about someone, when they’re your friend, when you’re in love… those people don’t leave. Of course, I was 18 and my mom had no idea what she was talking about and she hadn’t lived the life *I* was going to live. No sir – I was going to keep everyone and we would sing Kumbaya by a fire every Friday night. Wrong. So wrong.

 

I learned the “seasons” metaphor the hard way. More than once. I’m still learning it. I’ve mentioned this in a former post, but my childhood was pretty sheltered. I didn’t make a lot of “mistakes” until waaay later in life. Sometimes, I think that was good and sometimes I think that was really unfortunate. I will never forget sitting in my therapist’s office and her saying to me: “You’ve learned something a lot of people learn much younger. You learned that {insert some idea here that would seem obvious to anyone over 21} isn’t a sign of a healthy relationship.” I remember laughing – the incident we were talking about seemed so stupid. Like, how did I not think that was a bad idea at almost 30? In that moment, I realized even though I thought I had my life perfectly planned out and A, B, and C would happen in perfect order – in doesn’t happen that way. It hasn’t happened that way. I am still making mistakes and learning and growing. I have to be gentle on myself. And, likewise… it has taught me I have to be gentle with other people.

 

Perhaps the greatest give we can give to ourselves is to simply be. And, to not expect people to stay and fulfill our needs. We are responsible for ourselves – we’re responsible for our own happiness, our own trust issues, our sadness. That is not to say man is an island, but at the end of the day… we are responsible for our lives and our actions. There is a quote I’ve loved for a long time: “If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.” Maybe I love it because it’s a Plath quote and it speaks to my dark and morose, but I think it’s true. It seems bleak and it seems unattainable, but it is true. It’s impossible to not expect things from people – especially when you cultivate a close relationship. It’s going to happen. That’s normal. But, what isn’t impossible is how we let our own expectations dictate our feelings.

 

The past several months have been a big blur in many regards, but one thing that has stuck out to me was that at the end of last year I became completely content. I processed a lot, I went to therapy a lot, I spent a lot of time by myself, I spent time with close friends. I listened to a lot of Lana Del Rey and Carole King and Carly Simon. I ran – a lot. I started practicing yoga. I let myself just get out whatever it was that had built up inside me – I had been on cruise control for a long time. I had become discontent and complacent. More than anything, I hated myself. These thoughts really belong in a post that I promised to make about what prompted my beach getaway over Christmas break, but I had to go through all of that to get to where I am now. It seems a simple lesson: I am responsible for myself and my own happiness. It’s a hard lesson and it’s one I have to work on every.single.day.

 

Seasons come and go – nothing we do will ever change that. People come and go – nothing we do will ever change that. Nothing is guaranteed in this life. Not a single, damn thing. Our pasts do not define us, other people do not define us. When we can come to a place of contentment and happiness with ourselves, minus everything else… that’s when we can appreciate each passing season and its beauty and the people that pass through our lives without want or hurt or expectation or malice.

 

“Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.” – Albert Camus

 

a scar remains

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I have a scar on my thigh I aquired at the age of nine. Growing up, I would always iron my clothes on the floor. I can’t remember if we had an ironing board and my mother didn’t use it or if we didn’t have one at that time. For whatever reason ironing on the floor was a regular occurrence. Anyway, I distinctly remember ironing my shirt while I was watching a black and white episode of Perry Mason (I had an usual childhood.) Obviously I was engrossed in the courtroom drama I wasn’t paying attention to my hand work and ran the blazing hot iron right up on my leg – where it sat for a good three or four seconds before the pain receptors in my brain went haywire.

The days following my accident were worse than the actual event. The burn was extremely painful and over a couple of days the spot began to swell. My burn had turned into a blister… a satin finished and soft nub of liquid. After several days, the blister popped and drained. It’s disgusting, I know. The pain subsided over time, but the scar is still there. It’s in the perfect shape of the iron point, actually – a nice little teepee shape. As I have aged, I have noticed it has become less noticeable. I can point it out and spot it, but I have to look for it – it’s not as present as it was before.

Sometimes circumstances happen to us that send every pain receptor in our body into high alert. We wanna run and scream and do whatever we can do put out the pain – to salve the hurt, but it doesn’t go away. Oh, if we could just go back a few seconds… a few months… a few years. But, the damage has been done and, man, does it hurt. You may think you won’t be able to cope with the pain – nothing seems to stomp out the fire. Not only are we having to deal with the immediate pain, but the residual pain comes – the blisters. The blisters are daily reminders of what has happened. Even on days when things seem to get better – you’re not in so much pain, your heart is healing – the blister stays. And, under the blister will be born a scar.

It makes me think about removing cancer from your body – it must come out, but it leaves a scar. In the process of removing negative things from our life, we must be willing to face the pain of digging it out – no matter how badly it hurts – to start healing. The removing of negative things in our life that cause us pain can come in different forms – but, no matter what form it is – it is going to be painful. It’s going to be a daily or weekly or monthly reminder of what happened and the feelings that are conjured up because of the circumstance or person. It takes more strength than weakness to go through these times – we are the only ones who can commit to this endeavor and come out clean.

One day – the blister is gone and underneath is the new skin. But, it is forever changed. A scar remains to serve as a reminder and a protection from the pain inflicted before. Over time, the scar becomes lighter and less noticeable – the pain is gone… but you know it is still there. And, when you look at it, you know you endured. You survived. Some scars we may get a few times -others, once was more than enough. There will always be new scars – some will hurt less than others, but they all are a lesson to us in this journey. It does get easier… sometimes the saying is true that it gets harder before is gets easier, but it does… the pain subsides, your wounds heal, your mind is renewed. You are restored through the pain.

Twenty years later and I still iron my clothes on the floor. And, yes, I do own an ironing board. Old habits die hard… you just learn to be a little more careful.

petals

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Lies and empty words can feel like someone took a flower and shook it into the wind. At first, it’s a gentle disintegration… so slight you do not notice the first petals dropping to the ground. As time drags on the flower is starved of water but the budding hope coming from saturated words – always the right words – keep the flower from reaching out to a more nurturing hand. More petals fall. The flower is shaken harder and it’s core begins to be exposed. The flower still holds hope for restoration… To be transformed into what they dream they can be, what the lies make them believe. But, that is not what is meant to be. Instead, the flower’s stem is shaken one last time… So hard it’s stem bends and the remaining petals fall away and the dark nub of their heart is exposed to the harsh reality they have been living in. The holder of the flower walks away, leaving the remains to be stripped away by the elements. The flower is of no use anymore… It has been used for its purpose to the holder. You see, we are all flowers and we all allow ourselves – the fragile parts of us – to be held by people. And, sometimes even in our best effort, we are still crushed and used. The good news is we are not flowers… The crushing, the pressing, the bending and the breaking only serve to fuel our fires and leave us brighter than before.