Moonshine & Wanderlust

... a cosmopolitan view from a southern perspective

Bikini Blues

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This week puts me at six weeks out from one of the biggest things I have ever set out to do. It may seem silly to some people, but I haven’t set such a lofty goal for myself since graduating college. If you see me staring off into space chances are I am not thinking about my love life, but I am thinking about prepping for my competition. Or, I am thinking about food. Working hard, keeping a strong mental game… it’s consumed my every day life. For now. It’s not permanent and I am very glad to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and to resume a more normal life, but for now this is the most important thing I have going on.

I have had to make time to rest, I have had to say no to going out and doing things, I have had to sacrifice a lot… No one has asked me to do this, but I have chosen to do it. I am learning big lessons in self discipline and self control and I don’t think I ever would have learned them if I had not decided to enter this competition.

After a restful holiday weekend and getting back on track with getting good amounts of sleep, I want to hit on a few aspects I’ve been thinking about the past couple of weeks but honestly have been too tired to write about.

 

Food – (duh, of course this is gonna be first):

Some days I feel like Veruca Salt… “Cream buns and doughnuts and fruitcake with no nuts
So good you could go nuts…” Forget the golden goose and all that – just gimme all the sweets. I find myself perusing the aisles of my local shopping haunts just to lust after the packaged goods. I find myself thinking about what everything tastes like and the texture and the smell. I guess I am learning to appreciate my senses, right? I also have found myself wanting to eat things I never have before or didn’t think I would like, etc. I suppose it’s the whole “you can’t have this” so you want it philosophy.

In ways, it has gotten easier. But, in other ways it is getting extremely difficult. I am so close, but I have  deprived myself so long of certain things that I spend a lot of time thinking about eating anything and everything I can’t eat. It’s not really a good place to be – that’s why prep is temporary.

I have a few things that I am planning on enjoying… Part of my traveling posse is coming up the evening before I leave for Memphis to go grocery shopping with me for a few goodies. Right now I know the three things that are on my list:

Reeses

Brownie Batter Oreos

Pizza (remember, I’m having it shipped from Giordanos in Chicago. Yes, I am crazy.)

Oh, and a VENTI Starbucks. Immediately after the show is over. Gimme dat Sbux!

One of my friends going is also making me some type of decadent Reeses brownies so there’s that. I know I’m probably going to have a real bad tummy ache, so I am going to genuinely just try to have a few bites of each thing and not go crazy. I’ve read too many stories about post show rebound and I’m not wanting to experience that in any way.

I have learned so much and know enough that I am cautious but not worried about my eating habits post-show. I’m looking forward to setting new goals in the gym and eating to fuel my body.

The Whys:

Someone said to me recently, “Why a bikini competition? Do you really need to get in a bikini in front of a bunch of strangers to have them tell you you’re pretty? I can do that for you without you having to go to all that trouble.” WHUT. If anyone thinks I am doing this to be told I’m “pretty”, you really don’t know me and/or you really have no idea what a fitness competition entails.

First of all – I am a naturally very shy person. I’m an introvert (an INTJ for you Myers Briggs lovers) and it takes me awhile to come out of my shell with people. It takes a lot of time and me being comfortable. And, while I’m a lover of a good selfie and OOTD (outfit of the day) picture I don’t post a bunch of pictures of my body all over the internet, etc. That’s just not who I am. There’s nothing wrong with that, in my eyes, but I choose not to do that at this point.

This is not an ego stroke or a self esteem boost. I don’t know why anyone would put themselves through the literal hell, at times, of prep just to be told they’re pretty or they have a good body. Think about it. A normal competition prep is usually at least 12 weeks (I’ve been doing it longer), you are very restricted on food for the most part (carbs, anyone?), it’s expensive (suit, tan, shoes, jewelry, entry fees, membership fees, hotel, travel, gas, etc.), it’s isolating at times, you are in the gym at least 6 days a week and towards the end you are in there two or more times a day, and the hardest part… it’s a mental mind game. If you need to be told you’re pretty in a bikini, go throw one on and head down to your local bar. This is a fitness competition, not a who has the biggest … well, anyway.

I want to raise more awareness of what these competitions represent because I can understand what people think they are about… but it’s so much more than that. Even if I get up there and don’t place, I am getting up there to be judged on the work I have put in for hours. It’s a reflection of how strong I can be, how hard I have worked, how I have fallen down but gotten back up and tried again. I was very hurt when someone close to me told me they didn’t support me and believed what I was doing was not “Godly.” The Bible tells us our body is a temple – the Bible tells us not to be gluttons – Daniel fasted and ate only certain foods to draw closer to God. The Bible warns us against being drunkards, giving away our bodies, and defiling them. The Bible is full of examples of how important our physical bodies are to Christ. I have chosen to better my body that God gave me… it’s healthy, I have the ability to change it and to watch what I put inside of it – and far beyond the physical changes I have seen I have had so many more emotional and life changes because of this journey (more on that in another section).

This prep has taken everything out of me, twisted it around, put it back together, and is still hard every single day. I have learned so much about myself – I feel like I could do anything. I know I can do anything I set my mind to. I have seen too many good things and really had to learn to trust God so much in these past few weeks that I can’t imagine it not being a spiritual journey as well as a physical one.

I never set out on my fitness path to do a bikini competition. That was never a thought – I didn’t even know what they were! I set out to be a better me, to get my body fit and in shape, and to change my life. The competition was a by-product of that and gave me a huge goal to set for myself in so many areas. Once the competition is over, I will continue to set new goals and train. This is just a slice of the pie. PIE! Food… see, it always happens.

The Negatives:

It’s really been interesting that the amount of negative things have almost completely gone away from outside sources. I think people who doubted my intentions or doubted I would follow through have since realized differently and they have either fallen by the wayside or they are supporting me 100%. I feel extremely fortunate to have the support system I do, but more on that later.

Obviously, negatives are I am tired and hungry. I hit a wall about a week ago with my sleep and was told by a few key people in my life right now that I had to sleep or I was going to do myself more harm than good. So, getting my sleep has been top priority for me behind training and hitting my macro goals.

Washing dishes?! Yes, this is stupid but for real… I can only wash so many more Tupperware containers. I don’t have a dishwasher and my manicures are suffering.

Going to the gym more than once a day. I think it’ll be fine to go more than once every now and then, maybe, but once prep is over… once a day will be juuuuuuuust fine.

I know by following IIFYM I can really eat “anything” as long as it fits in my macro count, but I have gotten to the place where I’ve really tried to cut out the treats and just save my “fun” macros for peanut butter or a Lenny and Larry’s cookie or something like that. I’m apprehensive of fitting too many donuts or Starbucks in at this point. That works for some people, but for this being my first show and for having some of the binge eating episodes I have had, I just want to really try and keep things locked down until the end.

That being said – it’s been very difficult to go to fun social events or go out of town and watch other people eat cupcakes or ice cream or snack all day and have to constantly refrain or say no. It’s wearing on me. But, the end is near…

The Positives:

I saved this for last because it’s my favorite. No one can tell me God has not has His hand completely in my life the past several months. From the emotional and mental changes to the physical… I know I wouldn’t have been able to come this far without relying on my God.

One of the goals my therapist set for me this summer was to get out and meet more people and try to make more friends. This isn’t something I’ve really elaborated on, but I feel like this just shows how things can work together. I’ve always been someone who waited until someone wanted to be friends with me first. I’ve never sought out relationships of any kind. Of course I could get down into the whys of this but that’s not something I’m touching on today. The point is since that conversation with her I have made more new friendships or really started to get to know people I didn’t know that well before. I have had more support from people that I never would have thought would have supported me or even knew who I was than I could ever have imagined.

I get daily text messages of encouragement from so many people or I will see someone out in town and they will say just the smallest bit of encouragement to me… they have no idea how I cling to these jewels right now. Those things get me through. They give me strength. That’s why I am such a proponent now of telling people things when you want to – don’t think “Oh, they’ve heard that. Oh, someone else is telling them that.” NO. Tell them. Encourage them. You have no idea if your words are the very ones that gets someone to make a better decision, or to turn away from something harmful, or just get them through another day.  

People will come up to my and ask me about what I’ve been doing, ask me questions about the competition. It’s become easier for me to start to come out of that shell I had around myself and engage with those around me. Partly because I feel completely comfortable with myself now but also because I realize that not everyone is out to get me or sabotage me and friendships and learning and growing through other people is a really wonderful, God given thing.

There are a couple of women in my life I have met recently that have become rocks in this journey and I know we will continue to develop friendships after October, but their advice and walking along beside me is sometimes the only thing that gets me through a day.

I have met so many awesome people and learned from them… They inspire me. The people I have met in the fitness industry and those who are heavily into this lifestyle are some of the nicest, most genuine, and kind people I have ever met in my life. I would have thought the opposite before I got into all of this, but I have found no jealousy, no competitive comments, no judgments… only lifting up, encouragement, help, advice, and complete acceptance.

People who were my friends but have since disappeared out of my life or laughed off my goals or admitted they feel I am competition to them… those are sad moments for me, but I realize those chapters are over. Some I have had to close myself and it’s not something the old Patty Lauren would have done. It would have killed me to shut doors completely, but I can do it now because I am strong and I am learning a little bit more what is and isn’t beneficial to my future.

People who I didn’t think would support me or maybe I have had bumpy moments with have stepped up, told me how proud they are of me, been incredibly supportive, genuinely interesting in what is going on… It just goes to show you really cannot judge how someone is going to react. Sometimes the very people we think will abandon us are the ones who give us those pep talks and bits of encouragement that we need.

—

Entering the home stretch… hard days are every day as I face temptations and challenges and try to keep focused, but no matter what… everything I have gained outweighs every sacrifice. Caitlin, my trainer, always tell me: “Finish strong!!” She’s full of good quotes but that is one of my favorites and one I have to keep reminding myself of.

Regardless of what came before or of what has yet to come, what matters most is how you choose to respond to the challenge in front of you. Will you lie down or will you fight? The choice is yours. Choose to Finish Strong! -Dan Green

Cold Turkey

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“Free cheese is always available in mousetraps.” – Unknown

Do you ever try to bargain with yourself? You know – “I’ll just have a small slice of this chocolate cake”, “I’ll just have one drink,” “I’ll go workout tomorrow.” We all have. Some of us are better bargainers than others. I’ve played that game with myself for years. Usually it’s where relationships are concerned. We all have our bargaining weak spots – relationships, food, working out, alcohol, etc. It’s a power play against our will and our weaknesses.

Recently I needed to stop at the grocery store to pickup 3 things: egg whites, tuna, and a sweet potato. I only had $3 in cash because I lost my debit card (more on that story coming another day – it involves running out of gas. Don’t ask.) so I was having to be very selective in my purchases. Somehow between the tuna and the egg whites my body found itself on this aisle:

IMG_4452

I think they purposely put this type of stuff on the end of the aisle so you can’t help but see it and stop when you walk by. Let me preface all this to say I don’t think I have EVER bought a whole package of Oreos to keep at my house. I don’t keep sweets in my house, period. Maybe some chocolate but that’s it. I enjoy baking and cooking but I’m not someone who has a snack cabinet or anything like that. However, s’mores are one of my favorite little treats ever (I went through a phase where I had one every night before bed) and I am extremely intrigued by these s’mores Oreos. I’m more of a Reeses gal myself, but these days anything and everything hydrogenated and sugary is looking reeeeeeal good.

You see, when you dial certain things down or completely out of your life sometimes there is this thing that rears its ugly head. That little thing is called temptation. Ah, yes. Whether it’s my body tempting me to eat a whole package of Oreos or my mind tempting me to sabotage my sanity, temptation is rampant. And, even more so when you are trying to be “good.” Whatever that means to you. The temptation is always 1,000% stronger and harder to fight when you are on the straight and narrow. This could apply to hundreds of things – pick your personal poison.

If you read Gone Girl you know I am following the IIFYM (If It Fits Your Macros) lifestyle right now. Love it. Could I eat a few Oreos and stay on track? Absolutely. Could I eat a few Oreos and stop there? Eeehhh. Not on this particular night. I would probably have bargained with myself and eaten way more than a few and then told myself I’d make it up some other way. I know myself pretty well these days and weak PL was looking at those s’mores Oreos like she looks at a new pair of high heels on sale.

So – I walked away. I said no. I didn’t bargain. Because, bargaining often leads to losing. I’ve come too far to tempt myself. Do I eat sweets? Of course. But, I stay within my macros. Am I going to do this forever? Probably not, but I have some super specific goals right now and I have worked far too hard and far too long to bargain my way into a few moments of pleasure. Because, isn’t that really what temptation and bargaining with ourselves is about? A few moments of pleasure for something that won’t last? Something that feels good in the moment but ultimately leaves us feeling empty and more broken than before?

Cutting bad things out of your life is never easy. Sometimes we try to keep “a little” bit to hang on to – because it feels good, because it’s comfortable, because we’re having a bad day and a “little bit” of our old life makes a feel a little better. Temporarily.

Unfortunately, the real temptations in life for most of us aren’t food but are things that are more damaging to our mental and emotional well being than our physical well being. They hurt our hearts and impede our growth. We take ten steps forward only to look back in a moment of weakness and wake up to find ourselves five steps backwards. For most of my adult life when I have found myself in these types of situations it has taken me a long time to finally get to the cold turkey point. I waver, I struggle, I bargain, and I “what if” and “maybe if” in my mind until I’m physically exhausted.

Once I get to the point of never looking back something always clicks inside of me. Once I’m done, I’m done. Are there moments of temptation? Absolutely. Are there moments of struggle? Yes. But, they get so much easier. Promise. It’s worth it – to not look back, to not give in, to stand your ground, to be strong – to find out who you REALLY are, not who you think you’re supposed to be.

When you’re tempted to go back “just a little” to something that you know you are going to have a difficult time picking yourself up from – run the other way. Remember why you have moved on. Remember why you started. Remember why you are stronger than you were before.

There are no “do-overs” in this life – don’t waste your days on weakness. You are stronger than you could ever imagine if you just remember to not give up, give in, or give out.

Dream Killers

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plpic

 

I’m a people pleaser. I’ve been that way my whole life and no doubt there have been many times this quality has lent itself to opening myself up to be manipulated, taken advantage of, and  ultimately left empty. There have been times in my life I have tried to adopt the “I don’t care! I’m gonna do what I want! Rawr!” but when I took that attitude to the extreme I really didn’t like who I became Because, that’s just not me. I do care. Sometimes I care too much. But, that’s Patty Lauren. I want to please, I want people to be happy, I want to fix things. I don’t want someone to be mad at me – that’s a huge issue for me and one I am actively trying to work on, because it’s not reality to be responsible for someone else’s happiness or worrying about walking on eggshells with people.

My dad and I laugh about this now but when I was a little girl I was obsessed with the idea he was mad at me. I have no idea why I thought he was, but I did. “Are you mad at me?” was a constant question – probably to the point of actually making him mad! I won’t spend this time to psychoanalyze myself – I’ll leave that to the professionals. However, there is a lot to be said for this mindset as adults.

If you find yourself relating to me in being a people pleaser you know what it’s like to want people to be proud of you. To support you in everything and never be upset with you. Unfortunately, that’s not reality. It’s not fair to put that pressure on yourself or your friends or family. When you find your true purpose in life you will find these things becoming less and less important. When you’re secure in who you are and what God has placed upon your life the worry and the need to please eases away in the wind. It’s less of the harsh “I’ll do what I want!” and more of the gentle, “This is what I am supposed to do.”

As I’ve touched on in some recent posts, I’ve encountered plenty of negativity as I have become healthier, more fit, and set some big goals for myself. Some of the comments I have received have been beyond hurtful and mean. Now, I don’t want to paint a picture of all negativity and no support because that’s definitely not true. The positivity I have been able to surround myself with and the get encouragement I get on a daily basis whether it be emails, text messages, etc. from old friends, new friends, and strangers far, far outweighs the negative. I am BLESSED to have support and encouragement. But, as I am human, I find myself sometimes hanging on to the sometimes hurtful words of well-meaning (or sometimes just plain ol’ buzz killers) individuals.

Sometimes these hurtful words float around in my brain and burrow away in a soft cavity of self doubt – and they just hang out in there until I am having a difficult day and they pop out like, “SURPRISE!!” I may be working out my body six days a week, but I also workout my mind to be stronger for fighting off lies and doubts and yes, the occasional “hater”. Sometimes those negative words don’t come from other people but they come from an even more dangerous person – self. We can be our biggest destructions.

But, we have to live with ourselves. What do you tell yourself when you are having a bad day? We are all on different paths, but the messages we feed ourselves can be helpful or hurtful. We identify ourselves as friends, daughters, sons, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends. We are each individuals crafted by God to be extraordinary. You possess gifts and talents that are unique to you. Do you remember that when you are having a bad day? Do you give yourself a little pep talk about pushing through moments that are difficult, even painful, and remind yourself that the storm passes?

Sometimes self-talk is given a bad wrap, but it’s important. It’s important to be content, happy, and secure in yourself no matter what goals you are pursuing. We are so quick to be harsh with ourselves when we are not doing things the way we think we should be. Not fast enough, not hard enough, not good enough, not perfect enough. We can easily zone in on the “nots” and forget that any good thing takes patience, care, and most of all – dedication.

Don’t be your own dream killer. Don’t listen to your doubts, but instead find motivation in your progress and let that be the fire that leads your way. And, don’t listen to the negativity that you may be hearing from others. You never know where their comments are stemming from – could be jealousy or envy or maybe just a simple lack of understanding. Remember that your journey is your own. Don’t let yourself settle in the sediment of negativity but instead float along the top – remember where you are going and never look back.

 until next time… xoxo, patty lauren

The Beauty of Being Scared

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Have you ever set a goal for yourself that seems impossible? Maybe it seems impossible because it’s going to take years to accomplish or because you don’t have a good support system or you don’t have enough faith in yourself or it just seems downright difficult and you wonder if you have the perseverance to see it through to the end. Goals that seem extreme can be scary, but I am learning they are some of the best kind to set for yourself. They push you to dig way deep down inside yourself and pull up everything you’ve learned your whole life, they teach you to have confidence in yourself, they show you who your true friends are, they focus your drive and stamina into something powerful.

Smaller goals are good, too, but they often just get us from point A to point B. Lose weight. Get a diploma. Get more sleep. Pick up a new hobby. You get the idea. They float us along – helping us get better or become more knowledgable, but once we meet them, then what? Often times, they’re not very challenging. Perhaps it’s because we’re scared to dream big and set big goals. I know that’s why I’ve always shied away from those goals – because I was scared. When we start becoming our whole selves and we lean on God and the fuzzy stuff in life starts fading away and other things become more in focus, it’s almost like being a pony in a race with blinders on – your vision becomes honed in and crystal clear.

Extreme goals take extreme faith. They take radical determination and dedication. They can make you or break you. They will challenge your mental, emotional, and physical strength. A few weeks ago, I set an extreme goal for myself. I’m not quite ready to share it with everyone but I will eventually. Not only will it challenge me in the areas I just described but it’s something 100% of out of my comfort zone. I couldn’t be more excited, scared or ready. If I could have one wish for anyone I knew it would be that, if you didn’t already, you would know what it feels like to be completely free and content and truly be able to feel like you could accomplish anything you set your mind to. That you would be truly happy and even know everyone will have an opinion about anything and everything you do, you would feel so secure in your choices it wouldn’t matter.

Go for the scary. Go for the extreme. Do what unnerves you and makes your insides tremble and your blood race. Because those are the things that change you forever. Those are the things that take you off the path of mediocrity and propel you into a world set ablaze of opportunity and unimaginable possibilities. Those are the things that change you forever.

“Set a goal so BIG that if you ever achieved it it would BLOW your mind.” – Unknown

until next time… xoxo, patty lauren

 

bridges

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There is an excruciating realness in seeing your whole life in front of you… everything you have ever wanted, all of the things that could be… you see the version of your life that means not settling. It’s so close you have touched it. You’ve seen it with your own eyes and touched it with your own hands. You’ve lived it – for only a few brief moments, but you’ve soaked into your skin a glow that is your life’s perfect match.

But, the glow fades. It’s a rollercoaster. It’s unpredictable. It’s not certain. It’s an exhaustive trek… to where? Maybe nowhere. Maybe to the best place you have ever imagined. You see, that’s part of the gamble when you find that perfect fit… there is a chance you will only be privy to what could be. But, there’s the chance that someday the timing of your life and the life you know you are destined for come together to change everything.

So, until then… you wait. You work. You think. You persevere. You pray to God that you have another fiber to endure. You breathe. And, hope. For even if it is lost forever… oh, how lucky you were to have it for even just a moment.