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Bikini Blues

September 10, 2015 by patty lauren 6 Comments

This week puts me at six weeks out from one of the biggest things I have ever set out to do. It may seem silly to some people, but I haven’t set such a lofty goal for myself since graduating college. If you see me staring off into space chances are I am not thinking about my love life, but I am thinking about prepping for my competition. Or, I am thinking about food. Working hard, keeping a strong mental game… it’s consumed my every day life. For now. It’s not permanent and I am very glad to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and to resume a more normal life, but for now this is the most important thing I have going on.

I have had to make time to rest, I have had to say no to going out and doing things, I have had to sacrifice a lot… No one has asked me to do this, but I have chosen to do it. I am learning big lessons in self discipline and self control and I don’t think I ever would have learned them if I had not decided to enter this competition.

After a restful holiday weekend and getting back on track with getting good amounts of sleep, I want to hit on a few aspects I’ve been thinking about the past couple of weeks but honestly have been too tired to write about.

Food – (duh, of course this is gonna be first):

Some days I feel like Veruca Salt… “Cream buns and doughnuts and fruitcake with no nuts
So good you could go nuts…” Forget the golden goose and all that – just gimme all the sweets. I find myself perusing the aisles of my local shopping haunts just to lust after the packaged goods. I find myself thinking about what everything tastes like and the texture and the smell. I guess I am learning to appreciate my senses, right? I also have found myself wanting to eat things I never have before or didn’t think I would like, etc. I suppose it’s the whole “you can’t have this” so you want it philosophy.

In ways, it has gotten easier. But, in other ways it is getting extremely difficult. I am so close, but I have deprived myself so long of certain things that I spend a lot of time thinking about eating anything and everything I can’t eat. It’s not really a good place to be – that’s why prep is temporary.

I have a few things that I am planning on enjoying… Part of my traveling posse is coming up the evening before I leave for Memphis to go grocery shopping with me for a few goodies. Right now I know the three things that are on my list:

Reeses

Brownie Batter Oreos

Pizza (remember, I’m having it shipped from Giordanos in Chicago. Yes, I am crazy.)

Oh, and a VENTI Starbucks. Immediately after the show is over. Gimme dat Sbux!

One of my friends going is also making me some type of decadent Reeses brownies so there’s that. I know I’m probably going to have a real bad tummy ache, so I am going to genuinely just try to have a few bites of each thing and not go crazy. I’ve read too many stories about post show rebound and I’m not wanting to experience that in any way.

I have learned so much and know enough that I am cautious but not worried about my eating habits post-show. I’m looking forward to setting new goals in the gym and eating to fuel my body.

The Whys:

Someone said to me recently, “Why a bikini competition? Do you really need to get in a bikini in front of a bunch of strangers to have them tell you you’re pretty? I can do that for you without you having to go to all that trouble.” WHUT. If anyone thinks I am doing this to be told I’m “pretty”, you really don’t know me and/or you really have no idea what a fitness competition entails.

First of all – I am a naturally very shy person. I’m an introvert (an INTJ for you Myers Briggs lovers) and it takes me awhile to come out of my shell with people. It takes a lot of time and me being comfortable. And, while I’m a lover of a good selfie and OOTD (outfit of the day) picture I don’t post a bunch of pictures of my body all over the internet, etc. That’s just not who I am. There’s nothing wrong with that, in my eyes, but I choose not to do that at this point.

This is not an ego stroke or a self esteem boost. I don’t know why anyone would put themselves through the literal hell, at times, of prep just to be told they’re pretty or they have a good body. Think about it. A normal competition prep is usually at least 12 weeks (I’ve been doing it longer), you are very restricted on food for the most part (carbs, anyone?), it’s expensive (suit, tan, shoes, jewelry, entry fees, membership fees, hotel, travel, gas, etc.), it’s isolating at times, you are in the gym at least 6 days a week and towards the end you are in there two or more times a day, and the hardest part… it’s a mental mind game. If you need to be told you’re pretty in a bikini, go throw one on and head down to your local bar. This is a fitness competition, not a who has the biggest … well, anyway.

I want to raise more awareness of what these competitions represent because I can understand what people think they are about… but it’s so much more than that. Even if I get up there and don’t place, I am getting up there to be judged on the work I have put in for hours. It’s a reflection of how strong I can be, how hard I have worked, how I have fallen down but gotten back up and tried again. I was very hurt when someone close to me told me they didn’t support me and believed what I was doing was not “Godly.” The Bible tells us our body is a temple – the Bible tells us not to be gluttons – Daniel fasted and ate only certain foods to draw closer to God. The Bible warns us against being drunkards, giving away our bodies, and defiling them. The Bible is full of examples of how important our physical bodies are to Christ. I have chosen to better my body that God gave me… it’s healthy, I have the ability to change it and to watch what I put inside of it – and far beyond the physical changes I have seen I have had so many more emotional and life changes because of this journey (more on that in another section).

This prep has taken everything out of me, twisted it around, put it back together, and is still hard every single day. I have learned so much about myself – I feel like I could do anything. I know I can do anything I set my mind to. I have seen too many good things and really had to learn to trust God so much in these past few weeks that I can’t imagine it not being a spiritual journey as well as a physical one.

I never set out on my fitness path to do a bikini competition. That was never a thought – I didn’t even know what they were! I set out to be a better me, to get my body fit and in shape, and to change my life. The competition was a by-product of that and gave me a huge goal to set for myself in so many areas. Once the competition is over, I will continue to set new goals and train. This is just a slice of the pie. PIE! Food… see, it always happens.

The Negatives:

It’s really been interesting that the amount of negative things have almost completely gone away from outside sources. I think people who doubted my intentions or doubted I would follow through have since realized differently and they have either fallen by the wayside or they are supporting me 100%. I feel extremely fortunate to have the support system I do, but more on that later.

Obviously, negatives are I am tired and hungry. I hit a wall about a week ago with my sleep and was told by a few key people in my life right now that I had to sleep or I was going to do myself more harm than good. So, getting my sleep has been top priority for me behind training and hitting my macro goals.

Washing dishes?! Yes, this is stupid but for real… I can only wash so many more Tupperware containers. I don’t have a dishwasher and my manicures are suffering.

Going to the gym more than once a day. I think it’ll be fine to go more than once every now and then, maybe, but once prep is over… once a day will be juuuuuuuust fine.

I know by following IIFYM I can really eat “anything” as long as it fits in my macro count, but I have gotten to the place where I’ve really tried to cut out the treats and just save my “fun” macros for peanut butter or a Lenny and Larry’s cookie or something like that. I’m apprehensive of fitting too many donuts or Starbucks in at this point. That works for some people, but for this being my first show and for having some of the binge eating episodes I have had, I just want to really try and keep things locked down until the end.

That being said – it’s been very difficult to go to fun social events or go out of town and watch other people eat cupcakes or ice cream or snack all day and have to constantly refrain or say no. It’s wearing on me. But, the end is near…

The Positives:

I saved this for last because it’s my favorite. No one can tell me God has not has His hand completely in my life the past several months. From the emotional and mental changes to the physical… I know I wouldn’t have been able to come this far without relying on my God.

One of the goals my therapist set for me this summer was to get out and meet more people and try to make more friends. This isn’t something I’ve really elaborated on, but I feel like this just shows how things can work together. I’ve always been someone who waited until someone wanted to be friends with me first. I’ve never sought out relationships of any kind. Of course I could get down into the whys of this but that’s not something I’m touching on today. The point is since that conversation with her I have made more new friendships or really started to get to know people I didn’t know that well before. I have had more support from people that I never would have thought would have supported me or even knew who I was than I could ever have imagined.

I get daily text messages of encouragement from so many people or I will see someone out in town and they will say just the smallest bit of encouragement to me… they have no idea how I cling to these jewels right now. Those things get me through. They give me strength. That’s why I am such a proponent now of telling people things when you want to – don’t think “Oh, they’ve heard that. Oh, someone else is telling them that.” NO. Tell them. Encourage them. You have no idea if your words are the very ones that gets someone to make a better decision, or to turn away from something harmful, or just get them through another day.

People will come up to my and ask me about what I’ve been doing, ask me questions about the competition. It’s become easier for me to start to come out of that shell I had around myself and engage with those around me. Partly because I feel completely comfortable with myself now but also because I realize that not everyone is out to get me or sabotage me and friendships and learning and growing through other people is a really wonderful, God given thing.

There are a couple of women in my life I have met recently that have become rocks in this journey and I know we will continue to develop friendships after October, but their advice and walking along beside me is sometimes the only thing that gets me through a day.

I have met so many awesome people and learned from them… They inspire me. The people I have met in the fitness industry and those who are heavily into this lifestyle are some of the nicest, most genuine, and kind people I have ever met in my life. I would have thought the opposite before I got into all of this, but I have found no jealousy, no competitive comments, no judgments… only lifting up, encouragement, help, advice, and complete acceptance.

People who were my friends but have since disappeared out of my life or laughed off my goals or admitted they feel I am competition to them… those are sad moments for me, but I realize those chapters are over. Some I have had to close myself and it’s not something the old Patty Lauren would have done. It would have killed me to shut doors completely, but I can do it now because I am strong and I am learning a little bit more what is and isn’t beneficial to my future.

People who I didn’t think would support me or maybe I have had bumpy moments with have stepped up, told me how proud they are of me, been incredibly supportive, genuinely interesting in what is going on… It just goes to show you really cannot judge how someone is going to react. Sometimes the very people we think will abandon us are the ones who give us those pep talks and bits of encouragement that we need.

—

Entering the home stretch… hard days are every day as I face temptations and challenges and try to keep focused, but no matter what… everything I have gained outweighs every sacrifice. Caitlin, my trainer, always tell me: “Finish strong!!” She’s full of good quotes but that is one of my favorites and one I have to keep reminding myself of.

Regardless of what came before or of what has yet to come, what matters most is how you choose to respond to the challenge in front of you. Will you lie down or will you fight? The choice is yours. Choose to Finish Strong! -Dan Green

The Sand Chronicles Part 4.1: Blood Moon Rising

April 16, 2015 by patty lauren Leave a Comment

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4.0

Let me preface this post to say I am right brained individual so while planning our last-night-at-the-beach pictures I didn’t bother to consider the sun was not going to be setting where it had been rising. Ahem. We got out to the beach and I was all, “Where is the sun?! Why is it over there?!” I could have spared you this detail to make myself look more intelligent or less ditzy, but where’s the fun in that? Keepin’ it real. I wish I could have snapped a picture of E’s face when those words came out of my mouth.

“WHAT? Patty, the sun is over there – that’s where it’s staying.”

“Whaaaat!”

“The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. It can’t rise and set in the same place. I’m pretty sure I learned that when I was 10 years old.”

“I’m old, okay?! 10 years old was a long time ago!”

Apparently turning 30 means I get to blame my lapses in common sense on my age. Hurrah.

However, in this case I obviously am aware the sunrise and sunset are not going to be in the same place and I should have thought it out better, but again… right sided. So, we just had to settle for the ocean in the background without the sunrise (oh the struggle).

This picture about sums up our friendship

Erika really liked taking pictures of me being “candid” – nutty is more like it.

After we finished our photography session (I am sure we entertained plenty of beach goers running back and forth to the tripod to make sure everything was still looking okay) E and I were walking back to the condo when she said:

“Man, I am really tempted to jump into the pool.”

Honestly, I don’t know what was said after this but all I know is at some point between walking back to our room and actually getting into the room I had agreed to cannon ball into the pool. In the dark. And, it wasn’t exactly warm.

We tried to get the camera to record a video but considering it was pitch black by the pool and I’m not a videographer, we decided it was probably best not to have evidence of what was about to occur. For the next 10 minutes, I jumped up and down and simulated some boxing moves (still waiting to actually get to punch the living daylights out of an inanimate object) while talking myself into jumping into the pool.

“I can do this! It’s not a 40 foot cliff dive. This is easy! I’m a grownup. I can do this! I’m ready! Yeah! I’m ready!”

Okay, sidebar: E and I went cliff diving 40-50 feet up in the air off some jagged rocks back when we were in college. It took about an hour for us to actually jump. Naturally, E was all, “If Patty does it, I’ll do it!” What am I, the barometer for stupid antics? People think if I do something then it’s okay and they can do it, too. This is either good or bad. I haven’t decided.

E is doubled over laughing at me and grabbing my hand because she wanted to make sure I didn’t “abandon” her. She thought I was going to let her jump alone. Psht. Please. I wouldn’t do that…

So then I told her she needed to count to 3.

“1…2…3…” nobody jumped. This was going to take all night.

Back to the hopping up and down. E is talking about the Blood Moon and what if we die. Dramatics. I feel sorry for the poor woman sitting by the pool probably trying to have a relaxing evening. I’m sure she thought we were skunk drunk but this just goes to show you there is no need for alcohol when you have two crazy people at the beach.

We counted to three one more time and took the plunge.

Little tidbit: If someone actually gets me to do something like this chances are I want to push it a little further. For example… my new excursions into hiking has turned into me wanting to “just find some spot in the woods off the road to camp.” I get a little crazy.

So, naturally… I suggested running into the ocean under the Blood Moon. Now it was my turn to try and convince her this was okay.

“But, there are sharks!”

“No there aren’t. Sharks aren’t around here!” (not entirely true but not entirely a lie)

“Yes there are! Did you see how close those dolphins were to the shore?”

“Nah. Sharks aren’t going to get us. Come on!”

“You can run into the ocean but I’m not getting eaten by a shark.”

We started half running/half walking down to the beach. E was being practical:

“We need a flashlight.”

“The moon is our flashlight!”

You can see who is the logical one and who is the loose cannon.

We got down to the beach and I ran in first. I’ll admit once my body was halfway in the water I thought “okay maybe this is dumb” because then my imagination starts thinking about a Great White Shark grabbing my leg and pulling me under for his Easter supper.

We survived.

LOOK AT THAT MOON!

After traipsing back up the room we got ready for dinner and headed to The CharBar Co. for burgers. I got their most popular, The Champ, and some truffle fries. I thought it was awesome and would highly recommend going if you’re a gourmet burger fan.

It really was an adventurous day. We headed to bed late, full of new and fun memories and looking forward to an Easter sunrise service on the beach.

Part 5 coming soon…

The Breaking of Us

December 18, 2014 by patty lauren Leave a Comment

we all have lost a best friend. sometimes it is purposefully and sometimes it is beyond our control. whether it is for the best or not, best friend breakups can be the worst kind of heart pain we go through in our lives.

***

To You, the Best Friend of My 20s — There are so many things I miss about you. As the wounds from your betrayals have scarred over, the good memories try to push themselves to the forefront of my mind.

An unlikely pair we were – one of the unlikeliest, really. Two people who could not be more different, yet were so similar. Our bond was formed fast… one that we often said of that one could tell when the other was hurting or something was going on. An unspoken feeling that could be felt when we were not together. A connection rivaling a sisterly bond.

We bonded through tears and heartbreak, through hazes of long summer nights, through grown up jobs, through losses and gains, through accidents. A friendship that below simmered a hot difference in opinions and beliefs at times, but that somehow we made work. Because we thought it was important. Because we had each other. It was us against the world.

As I leave my 20s behind, I leave our friendship in a decade that was my growing up. It will stay there, perfectly preserved and wildly worth remembering. It will be those memories I will look back on and love when I am older and I miss my youth.

The night when you took care of me on the side of the road, the night you crashed your car, the interstate drive with you hanging out the window, the summer days at our local watering hole, the summer nights spent with Barefoot and boys, the nights where tears were all that were shared, the weeks you lived with me when you had nowhere else to go, our ride and die attitude. So many days spent with you that it felt like a lifetime.

You broke my heart, Best Friend of My 20s. You abandoned us. You left us. You broke us.

As the last few weeks of this year wind down… such a big year for both us, I forgive you. I have long accepted that there are many things in life I will never comprehend. Things that break my spirit every day and that I cannot even begin to fathom. We are one of them.

And, even then… we were a season. A beautiful, free, crazy, amazing season. A season I would not trade or choose to redo.

My life would not have been the same without you.

Unintentional Mudding Pt. 2

February 17, 2014 by patty lauren 1 Comment

If you need to play catch up, check out Part 1 of this story – it’s important to the whole effect I am going for, which is… utter disbelief, I think. Yeah. I’ll go with that.

D, K, and I had gotten some cute pictures in the snow and were headed back toward home. I saw some ponies in a field not far from where we were and wanted to drive a little further to see what was down the road. Why, why, WHY do I never leave well enough alone and just say “Hey we had fun, let’s go home”? No… I always have to do one more thing. It’s been that way since I was a kid – “Just one more time!” I ended up with a busted eye once because I wanted to jump on the bed “one more time.”

Once I realized there was nothing else to see down the road I decided to turn around – not in a driveway, not at the end of the road – no, I had to back up in a PASTURE. Jokes and jabs were exchanged: “Let’s not have a reenactment of earlier {insert lots of laughter}”

I put the car in drive and pushed the gas. There was that familiar humming/sputtering/skidding sound that comes when rubber gets encased in mud. The following conversation between D and I went a little like this:

“You did not just do that.”

“Um… Ha. Ha. This can’t be happening”

“PATTY!”

“This isn’t real life.”

The three of us got out of the car and surveyed the damage. Yep, it was way worse than getting stuck on a gravel driveway. Pure muddy snow slush.

“I need a cigarette.”

While D puffed on a cigarette on the side of the road, K started to brainstorm some ideas while I stood around in general disbelief and wanted to disappear. How does this happen twice in one day? K and D looked over in the pasture to see two rolled hay bales. I could see the lightbulbs flickering over their heads. Not only was I stuck in the middle of the road, but now we were stealing hay. Sorry, Mr. Farmer Man.

And, the experimenting began again – D & K stuffed the hay around the tires and I would try to gas the car and get some traction to get out of the muck. Try, try again. Finally – a car! It was coming. And, it tried to go around us. He crept beside my car and I guess felt the need to crack his window about three inches. Did he think we looked like the kind who would stage a big mud accident in hopes of jumping him for his crappy car and mullet? Apparently.

“Ya’ll okay?”

D: “Yeah, we just need someone to help us push the car out…”

“Well… that ain’t gonna help.”

K: “We’re all right – you can go on. Thanks anyway!”

“Well… ya got a phone?”

He scooted on by my car and stopped, watching us push and me get in and gas the car. Finally, he revved on and there may have been some inappropriate hand gestures but I’ll never confirm. I put the car in Neutral and hopped out of the car… The three of us stood behind it and pushed. Nothing.

Bad.

At this point, I decided to call Triple AAA. Can you already tell I’m one of those people who probably has them on speed dial? I’ve got the keychain to prove it. That was the shortest conversation I’ve ever had with them: “We’re sorry, ma’am, your membership wasn’t renewed.” What! WHAT? I couldn’t do anything about it then but I’m going to have to talk to my people. Who is in charge of renewing my Triple AAA? Seriously.

About that time, here comes another vehicle… a truck! The truck immediately pulled over to the side of the road and an older gentleman got out. He was nicely dressed, but walked over to us – keeping a good distance, of course. D would later say, “He had moccasins on.” Moccasin man surveyed the situation and told me to do a couple of setups with the car before yelling “GAS IT!” The car come out alive… K, on the other hand…

The pictures don’t really do the situation justice – she was covered head to toe in mud. But, no worries… that’s what hand washing is for.

I’m not sure if I learned a lesson out of this… My car is a delicate tank? Always knew that. My friends are bad ass? Knew that, too. Sometimes it’s okay to rely on the kindness of strangers? Always nice to be reminded. Maybe I’ll never learn the lesson of not doing something “one more time” because as we pulled away from the mess I passed the ponies in the pasture… “Look at the ponies! And, now the moon is out…” I looked around at my friends in hopes they would see the logic in my words. D’s response? “Screw the ponies! Keep driving.”

One of the best days, ever.

The Day the Town That Never Got Snow Got 9″

February 14, 2014 by patty lauren 3 Comments

I think I jinxed my town. After hearing about nothing but the upcoming snow storm for a solid week, I was in a deep state of sarcasm and skepticism. A couple of weeks after we got an unexpected drift of snow that sent our town into one big, crash of a mess, I was highly doubting the occurrence of snow again. “If they say we’re going to get snow, we’re not going to get it.” That was my story and I was sticking to it. Around 6pm yesterday, the snow started to fall… and fall… and fall – this morning we woke up to 9″ of snow. It was beautiful. I’m not a fan of winter weather, but I will say this snow fall was lovely. It didn’t hurt my offices were closed today so I was able to enjoy some time with friends. All good mornings start with breakfasts at Cracker Barrel and end with crazy adventures. So, thanks, Snow, for slowing me down and helping me make some wonderful memories.

Two of my bestest girlfriends and I set out to find some adventures… we got more than we bargained for (more on that in my next post) However, before we got in trouble, we played around in what was left of our overnight visitor…