Moonshine & Wanderlust

... a cosmopolitan view from a southern perspective

Bikini Blues

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This week puts me at six weeks out from one of the biggest things I have ever set out to do. It may seem silly to some people, but I haven’t set such a lofty goal for myself since graduating college. If you see me staring off into space chances are I am not thinking about my love life, but I am thinking about prepping for my competition. Or, I am thinking about food. Working hard, keeping a strong mental game… it’s consumed my every day life. For now. It’s not permanent and I am very glad to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and to resume a more normal life, but for now this is the most important thing I have going on.

I have had to make time to rest, I have had to say no to going out and doing things, I have had to sacrifice a lot… No one has asked me to do this, but I have chosen to do it. I am learning big lessons in self discipline and self control and I don’t think I ever would have learned them if I had not decided to enter this competition.

After a restful holiday weekend and getting back on track with getting good amounts of sleep, I want to hit on a few aspects I’ve been thinking about the past couple of weeks but honestly have been too tired to write about.

 

Food – (duh, of course this is gonna be first):

Some days I feel like Veruca Salt… “Cream buns and doughnuts and fruitcake with no nuts
So good you could go nuts…” Forget the golden goose and all that – just gimme all the sweets. I find myself perusing the aisles of my local shopping haunts just to lust after the packaged goods. I find myself thinking about what everything tastes like and the texture and the smell. I guess I am learning to appreciate my senses, right? I also have found myself wanting to eat things I never have before or didn’t think I would like, etc. I suppose it’s the whole “you can’t have this” so you want it philosophy.

In ways, it has gotten easier. But, in other ways it is getting extremely difficult. I am so close, but I have  deprived myself so long of certain things that I spend a lot of time thinking about eating anything and everything I can’t eat. It’s not really a good place to be – that’s why prep is temporary.

I have a few things that I am planning on enjoying… Part of my traveling posse is coming up the evening before I leave for Memphis to go grocery shopping with me for a few goodies. Right now I know the three things that are on my list:

Reeses

Brownie Batter Oreos

Pizza (remember, I’m having it shipped from Giordanos in Chicago. Yes, I am crazy.)

Oh, and a VENTI Starbucks. Immediately after the show is over. Gimme dat Sbux!

One of my friends going is also making me some type of decadent Reeses brownies so there’s that. I know I’m probably going to have a real bad tummy ache, so I am going to genuinely just try to have a few bites of each thing and not go crazy. I’ve read too many stories about post show rebound and I’m not wanting to experience that in any way.

I have learned so much and know enough that I am cautious but not worried about my eating habits post-show. I’m looking forward to setting new goals in the gym and eating to fuel my body.

The Whys:

Someone said to me recently, “Why a bikini competition? Do you really need to get in a bikini in front of a bunch of strangers to have them tell you you’re pretty? I can do that for you without you having to go to all that trouble.” WHUT. If anyone thinks I am doing this to be told I’m “pretty”, you really don’t know me and/or you really have no idea what a fitness competition entails.

First of all – I am a naturally very shy person. I’m an introvert (an INTJ for you Myers Briggs lovers) and it takes me awhile to come out of my shell with people. It takes a lot of time and me being comfortable. And, while I’m a lover of a good selfie and OOTD (outfit of the day) picture I don’t post a bunch of pictures of my body all over the internet, etc. That’s just not who I am. There’s nothing wrong with that, in my eyes, but I choose not to do that at this point.

This is not an ego stroke or a self esteem boost. I don’t know why anyone would put themselves through the literal hell, at times, of prep just to be told they’re pretty or they have a good body. Think about it. A normal competition prep is usually at least 12 weeks (I’ve been doing it longer), you are very restricted on food for the most part (carbs, anyone?), it’s expensive (suit, tan, shoes, jewelry, entry fees, membership fees, hotel, travel, gas, etc.), it’s isolating at times, you are in the gym at least 6 days a week and towards the end you are in there two or more times a day, and the hardest part… it’s a mental mind game. If you need to be told you’re pretty in a bikini, go throw one on and head down to your local bar. This is a fitness competition, not a who has the biggest … well, anyway.

I want to raise more awareness of what these competitions represent because I can understand what people think they are about… but it’s so much more than that. Even if I get up there and don’t place, I am getting up there to be judged on the work I have put in for hours. It’s a reflection of how strong I can be, how hard I have worked, how I have fallen down but gotten back up and tried again. I was very hurt when someone close to me told me they didn’t support me and believed what I was doing was not “Godly.” The Bible tells us our body is a temple – the Bible tells us not to be gluttons – Daniel fasted and ate only certain foods to draw closer to God. The Bible warns us against being drunkards, giving away our bodies, and defiling them. The Bible is full of examples of how important our physical bodies are to Christ. I have chosen to better my body that God gave me… it’s healthy, I have the ability to change it and to watch what I put inside of it – and far beyond the physical changes I have seen I have had so many more emotional and life changes because of this journey (more on that in another section).

This prep has taken everything out of me, twisted it around, put it back together, and is still hard every single day. I have learned so much about myself – I feel like I could do anything. I know I can do anything I set my mind to. I have seen too many good things and really had to learn to trust God so much in these past few weeks that I can’t imagine it not being a spiritual journey as well as a physical one.

I never set out on my fitness path to do a bikini competition. That was never a thought – I didn’t even know what they were! I set out to be a better me, to get my body fit and in shape, and to change my life. The competition was a by-product of that and gave me a huge goal to set for myself in so many areas. Once the competition is over, I will continue to set new goals and train. This is just a slice of the pie. PIE! Food… see, it always happens.

The Negatives:

It’s really been interesting that the amount of negative things have almost completely gone away from outside sources. I think people who doubted my intentions or doubted I would follow through have since realized differently and they have either fallen by the wayside or they are supporting me 100%. I feel extremely fortunate to have the support system I do, but more on that later.

Obviously, negatives are I am tired and hungry. I hit a wall about a week ago with my sleep and was told by a few key people in my life right now that I had to sleep or I was going to do myself more harm than good. So, getting my sleep has been top priority for me behind training and hitting my macro goals.

Washing dishes?! Yes, this is stupid but for real… I can only wash so many more Tupperware containers. I don’t have a dishwasher and my manicures are suffering.

Going to the gym more than once a day. I think it’ll be fine to go more than once every now and then, maybe, but once prep is over… once a day will be juuuuuuuust fine.

I know by following IIFYM I can really eat “anything” as long as it fits in my macro count, but I have gotten to the place where I’ve really tried to cut out the treats and just save my “fun” macros for peanut butter or a Lenny and Larry’s cookie or something like that. I’m apprehensive of fitting too many donuts or Starbucks in at this point. That works for some people, but for this being my first show and for having some of the binge eating episodes I have had, I just want to really try and keep things locked down until the end.

That being said – it’s been very difficult to go to fun social events or go out of town and watch other people eat cupcakes or ice cream or snack all day and have to constantly refrain or say no. It’s wearing on me. But, the end is near…

The Positives:

I saved this for last because it’s my favorite. No one can tell me God has not has His hand completely in my life the past several months. From the emotional and mental changes to the physical… I know I wouldn’t have been able to come this far without relying on my God.

One of the goals my therapist set for me this summer was to get out and meet more people and try to make more friends. This isn’t something I’ve really elaborated on, but I feel like this just shows how things can work together. I’ve always been someone who waited until someone wanted to be friends with me first. I’ve never sought out relationships of any kind. Of course I could get down into the whys of this but that’s not something I’m touching on today. The point is since that conversation with her I have made more new friendships or really started to get to know people I didn’t know that well before. I have had more support from people that I never would have thought would have supported me or even knew who I was than I could ever have imagined.

I get daily text messages of encouragement from so many people or I will see someone out in town and they will say just the smallest bit of encouragement to me… they have no idea how I cling to these jewels right now. Those things get me through. They give me strength. That’s why I am such a proponent now of telling people things when you want to – don’t think “Oh, they’ve heard that. Oh, someone else is telling them that.” NO. Tell them. Encourage them. You have no idea if your words are the very ones that gets someone to make a better decision, or to turn away from something harmful, or just get them through another day.  

People will come up to my and ask me about what I’ve been doing, ask me questions about the competition. It’s become easier for me to start to come out of that shell I had around myself and engage with those around me. Partly because I feel completely comfortable with myself now but also because I realize that not everyone is out to get me or sabotage me and friendships and learning and growing through other people is a really wonderful, God given thing.

There are a couple of women in my life I have met recently that have become rocks in this journey and I know we will continue to develop friendships after October, but their advice and walking along beside me is sometimes the only thing that gets me through a day.

I have met so many awesome people and learned from them… They inspire me. The people I have met in the fitness industry and those who are heavily into this lifestyle are some of the nicest, most genuine, and kind people I have ever met in my life. I would have thought the opposite before I got into all of this, but I have found no jealousy, no competitive comments, no judgments… only lifting up, encouragement, help, advice, and complete acceptance.

People who were my friends but have since disappeared out of my life or laughed off my goals or admitted they feel I am competition to them… those are sad moments for me, but I realize those chapters are over. Some I have had to close myself and it’s not something the old Patty Lauren would have done. It would have killed me to shut doors completely, but I can do it now because I am strong and I am learning a little bit more what is and isn’t beneficial to my future.

People who I didn’t think would support me or maybe I have had bumpy moments with have stepped up, told me how proud they are of me, been incredibly supportive, genuinely interesting in what is going on… It just goes to show you really cannot judge how someone is going to react. Sometimes the very people we think will abandon us are the ones who give us those pep talks and bits of encouragement that we need.

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Entering the home stretch… hard days are every day as I face temptations and challenges and try to keep focused, but no matter what… everything I have gained outweighs every sacrifice. Caitlin, my trainer, always tell me: “Finish strong!!” She’s full of good quotes but that is one of my favorites and one I have to keep reminding myself of.

Regardless of what came before or of what has yet to come, what matters most is how you choose to respond to the challenge in front of you. Will you lie down or will you fight? The choice is yours. Choose to Finish Strong! -Dan Green

Rooting

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Spring is officially here!

Ya’ll – life is good! We are so lucky to be given a new day each morning to make it awesome! I can’t wait to share some of the exciting things that have been going on recently.

Sometimes we have to do a little spring cleaning inside of ourselves. We clean the house, we clean the car, we prep for summer… often times we leave our self neglected. We become stale and stagnant and maybe even unpleasant to be around. Sometimes you have to root yourself in what you know, who you are, and stretch your branches.

Below are some ways I decided to spring clean myself and maybe they’ll be helpful to you, too.

Take a Break: I cut all ties with my social media accounts (even taking a break from M&W, publicly at least – I won’t tell you how many drafts I have sitting around on WordPress), which was a lot easier than I thought. I even considered not coming back at all. It’s been like throwing open a window and breathing this huge breath of air. I have felt more grounded and more like I am living my life than showing it or letting someone else’s “perfect snippets” of their life makes me feel about mine. I will definitely be doing social media a little different this time around.

If you’re bored and/or interested in reading more about how SM affects us I highly encourage two reads: Social Media Makes You Unhappy. Here’s What You Can Do About It. & 7 Things You Learn About (Real) Connection From Being Off the Grid for a Week.

Birds of a Feather: I’ve had the opportunity to really spend time with people that I’m close to and also spend some time with friends who have moved away. Our friends are the family we get to choose. One of my best friends, E, who has really blessed my life in more ways than I could ever explain is moving back out West at the beginning of May. These past few weeks have really given me an opportunity to spend quality time with her and even give in to some of her (good) peer pressure like donating blood for the first time (that story coming soon!)

My friend, Coco, who I call my “true blue” friend just bought her first home with her future husband and I was lucky enough to get to help them move in. It’s such an exciting time in life for so many people in my life… so happy for them!

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Full car & off to the new place!

 

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New Memories. Old Friends.

Get Up & Get Out: My body and I are starting to be really good friends again. We are talking 5:30am booty calls (it’s a workout term – get your mind out of the gutter), running in the evenings, biking, strength training, hiking (!! Anyone reading this who knows me knows this is major – can’t wait to share!), yoga for days… you get the picture. Over the past several weeks, I can count the days I “took off” on one hand. I took way too much time away from my body and my mental health by quitting the very things that help keep my whole being aligned. Not only are the physical benefits that I’m reaping pretty awesome, the way I feel after a hard run or a yoga session or a 2 hour solo bike ride is priceless. I won’t ever give that up again. Know what makes you a better you and don’t stop.

I know my go-tos to not only get my body in shape but to keep me mentally healthy, but this Spring is bringing some new activities. Of course I’ve mentioned hiking, but I also tried out a dance class with a friend recently.

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This was so much fun! It’s a great activities for a group of friends to go to or of course a date, but you switch partners throughout the night so don’t let thinking you have to bring a “date” stop you from going. RCDC meets weekly and it’s specifically for people who enjoy dancing but don’t necessarily want to go to a “club”. I believe the group has a page on Facebook – definitely check them out!

Intentional Living: Recently one night after yoga, I was bouncing out of the gym to my car and I took my sunglasses off and there was this magnificent sunset gracing the sky. A smattering of orange and blue and purple and pink – it wasn’t perfect or the most beautiful, but it was lovely. I rolled all the windows down in the car and took a little drive with the music blaring – it’s moments like that that I feel 100% alive and free. In yoga, we learn to set an intention before the beginning of the class. Maybe it’s to relax or to focus on something we are good at or something we want to accomplish the next day. Yoga is not without purpose. Such is life. Everyday, we can set an intention and strive to fulfill it. Maybe it’s to smile more. To bring some flowers to a friend who is going through a rough patch. Cleaning the car. Raking the leaves in the yard. They don’t have to be big. We put too much pressure on ourselves at times while we should be more intentional with our living instead of cramming as much junk into one day as we can.

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Front porch swinging devotions

 

Detox: I’m not necessarily talking about drinking kale and lemon juice for a few days although I hear that works pretty well. While I did do some body detoxing by cutting sugar, bread and general “crap” out of most of my diet and absolutely nothing but water, detoxing comes in other forms.

Detox the negative feelings that want to feed off of whatever you’re going through. Yes, ladies, I am talking to you – put down that glass of wine you’re drinking in the bathtub while crying over Pinterest quotes as Sam Smith plays in the background. You are on a slippery slope to becoming a seriously unproductive byproduct of society. Just say no. Seriously. Pull yourself together.

It’s good to feel your feelings, as they say, and I do plenty of it but at some point you have to stop catering to your feelings. Life is moving on without you. That’s why it’s imperative you take time for yourself when you need it and you rest in your situations and then move on. You learn your lesson and you turn yourself outward. Do something for someone else.

Tune out the people who continually want to complain instead of looking at the positive (we all know these people) – sometimes that means either completely cutting off a friendship or relationship or just taking a step back. Change your circumstances. Change yourself. Make yourself better. We can all stay pretty awesome being the same, but the truth is we’re all one day closer to dying and I’m not really satisfied doing the same things when I know I can be better – not just for myself but for those around me.

Get Out of Your Comfort Zone: They may be small acts, but really think about pushing yourself a little bit this year. Try something new. Don’t be one of those people who says, “I will never…” at the drop of a hat at the mention of an adventure. It took me a long time to get saying, “No” down, but this year I’m going to say “Yes” just a little more. Life is so full… Take advantage of it! I can’t wait to share some of the things I’ve been doing the past few weeks.

Choose to be happy. Choose to live intentionally. Choose to be someone other people want to be around because you’re a light in the midst of something dark they’re going through. Choose to not drag yourself down by comparing yourself to others. Choose to be the best version of yourself you can.

until next time… xoxo, patty lauren

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Ruin

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… Sitting in the airport in New York City after getting up at 4:30am to catch my shuttle. 

I went to the lobby this morning and I was standing in front of the big picture window when I heard, “Ma’am. Psst. Come here.” 

I turned around and the gentleman at the front desk motioned for me to come over and put his finger to his lips. I walked over him pointing to the counter next to him. I peered down into two boxes of pastries. They were beautiful. And, I could have my pick. 

Honestly, the last thing I want to do is be eating right now. But, it was a really sweet gesture and I figured I would need a little nourishment for the long day. What to pick? There were Bear Claws, huge muffins pecked with various fruits, powdered pastries, and croissants. I picked the croissant. The most plain and basic pastry in the bunch. I have chosen the fancy pastries before. I know they’re bad for me for many reasons, but they are beautiful. And, tasty. And, faced with a choice of the croissant or the drizzled Bear Claw that seems to glisten under the lights and call to your stomach… Why would you choose the unassuming one? 

I’m tired of choosing the fancy pastries. I am exhausted of chasing after what I think I want. This year has been such an eye opener already. It’s solidified feelings I was already having at the end of last year. I know what I want… I’ve had what I wanted. How many times do you get to say that? Not a lot, let me tell you. And, for the first time in a long time I have taken something good and thrown it into a wall like a China plate.

 … I typed a long analogy right here, but I deleted it. 

Last night, on our last night in the city, LM & I were having dinner at a restaurant that had a piano bar. There was this group of older folks playing and the woman in the red glittery top, her cropped gray hair swaying as she started her song… “It’s so important to make someone happy Make just one someone happy…” LM & I just kind of looked at each other and shook our heads with a little laugh. You know that look you give your friend when you’re both thinking the same thing. 

Happiness is an allusive light of magic. It comes at you with such blinding force sometimes it knocks you on your ass. And, before you know it, it can be gone again. 

Happiness is the croissant in the box of pastries…

I have a confession…

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I have anxiety. The kind of anxiety that can put me in bed all day. The kind of anxiety that makes me not remember what a day without feeling nauseas and sick to my stomach is like. The kind of anxiety that makes me not be able to breathe. The kind of anxiety that causes tears and overwhelming feelings of fear. The kind of anxiety that makes me disengage from those I love. The kind of anxiety that makes thoughts of running away seem more appealing than living with the fear of the next time the anxiety will overtake an hour… a day… a week.

 

The thing is most of the time I have no reason for feeling the way I do – that’s what’s so frustrating to my rational side. I have everything I could ever need. Anticipatory anxiety is a technical term, but I don’t like labels. The looming of “what if” is always whispering in my ear. It doesn’t take much to cause an anxiety filled few hours – What if my car blows up on the side of the road? What if someone breaks into my house? What if I lose my job? What if I get cancer? What if someone I love gets sick? What if, what if, what if. I know so many people around me who really have serious things to be concerned about, serious problems in their life… that’s what makes living with anxiety so difficult sometimes. Because, I know I have nothing to worry about, yet I can’t stop. It’s like an addiction – I can have a great day… everything is going good, things are in place, life is going along but something seems wrong. Something seems wrong because I’m not anxious about something, I’m not fretting over the next obstacle I need to face and thwart. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted.

 

When I got back from my trip to St. Simons, I felt so renewed and refreshed for 2014. Things were perfect, really. I had peace and a plan. Somewhere between February and now, things have slowly been falling apart inside of me… like old paint chipping off of a wall. Layer by layer. Some days I feel like I’m spiraling into I-don’t-know what – a mire of mud? An empty hole where everyone I love is looking down at me and mad and confused because I can’t get my act together? I don’t find a lot of understanding in my anxiety… I find a lot of frustration, though. Because, after all, I have nothing to worry about.

 

I needed to write. Someone else needs this, because they’re feeling the same things I am. You’re not alone. When I was younger, I was the Queen of “don’t worry about anything, instead pray about everything.” Literally… everything. I prayed when I couldn’t find a paper or lost a toy. I find myself not praying as much. I find myself at a place where I am looking at everything I’m missing out on because my puzzle pieces are a mess. I’m not me. Somewhere last year I put on a cloak of discontent – and it’s still with me. I freely took it and wore it, thinking I could better myself into someone other than who I am. Who I am likes simple things. I like my small place to live. I like saving money. I like not having to be the best at every thing just to prove a point. I was handed a gift of discontent by someone who didn’t even know themselves and I have carried it with me for months.

 

There are many days I look around and I have no idea why on earth God has blessed me so abundantly. I have been given the most beautiful life and I know I am undeserving, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt where I am now is not God-given. So… for now, I have to take one day at a time. I have to run, I have to breathe, I have to love… because those are small things that keep me going. The verse Romans 12:2 has been on my heart recently…

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.

The world tells us we need more, we need to strive for wealth and more possession and more affluence and more to cram our life so full of stuff that we have no room for worth. The world robs us of our worth… worry robs us of our worth, our joy, our life. We are not getting any of this time back… it doesn’t matter how much I save I could die tomorrow and I will have spent the past three months of my life thinking what I would do if I didn’t have any money. We have conformed to the world’s ideals of worth and successfulness. We have bought the lies of entitlement and self-servitude so we reiterate those words to those we love and they carry on the torch until all that is left are robots in a world of worrying how we are going to keep up with the Joneses.

We want more until more begins to want us.