Moonshine & Wanderlust

... a cosmopolitan view from a southern perspective

Cold Turkey

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“Free cheese is always available in mousetraps.” – Unknown

Do you ever try to bargain with yourself? You know – “I’ll just have a small slice of this chocolate cake”, “I’ll just have one drink,” “I’ll go workout tomorrow.” We all have. Some of us are better bargainers than others. I’ve played that game with myself for years. Usually it’s where relationships are concerned. We all have our bargaining weak spots – relationships, food, working out, alcohol, etc. It’s a power play against our will and our weaknesses.

Recently I needed to stop at the grocery store to pickup 3 things: egg whites, tuna, and a sweet potato. I only had $3 in cash because I lost my debit card (more on that story coming another day – it involves running out of gas. Don’t ask.) so I was having to be very selective in my purchases. Somehow between the tuna and the egg whites my body found itself on this aisle:

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I think they purposely put this type of stuff on the end of the aisle so you can’t help but see it and stop when you walk by. Let me preface all this to say I don’t think I have EVER bought a whole package of Oreos to keep at my house. I don’t keep sweets in my house, period. Maybe some chocolate but that’s it. I enjoy baking and cooking but I’m not someone who has a snack cabinet or anything like that. However, s’mores are one of my favorite little treats ever (I went through a phase where I had one every night before bed) and I am extremely intrigued by these s’mores Oreos. I’m more of a Reeses gal myself, but these days anything and everything hydrogenated and sugary is looking reeeeeeal good.

You see, when you dial certain things down or completely out of your life sometimes there is this thing that rears its ugly head. That little thing is called temptation. Ah, yes. Whether it’s my body tempting me to eat a whole package of Oreos or my mind tempting me to sabotage my sanity, temptation is rampant. And, even more so when you are trying to be “good.” Whatever that means to you. The temptation is always 1,000% stronger and harder to fight when you are on the straight and narrow. This could apply to hundreds of things – pick your personal poison.

If you read Gone Girl you know I am following the IIFYM (If It Fits Your Macros) lifestyle right now. Love it. Could I eat a few Oreos and stay on track? Absolutely. Could I eat a few Oreos and stop there? Eeehhh. Not on this particular night. I would probably have bargained with myself and eaten way more than a few and then told myself I’d make it up some other way. I know myself pretty well these days and weak PL was looking at those s’mores Oreos like she looks at a new pair of high heels on sale.

So – I walked away. I said no. I didn’t bargain. Because, bargaining often leads to losing. I’ve come too far to tempt myself. Do I eat sweets? Of course. But, I stay within my macros. Am I going to do this forever? Probably not, but I have some super specific goals right now and I have worked far too hard and far too long to bargain my way into a few moments of pleasure. Because, isn’t that really what temptation and bargaining with ourselves is about? A few moments of pleasure for something that won’t last? Something that feels good in the moment but ultimately leaves us feeling empty and more broken than before?

Cutting bad things out of your life is never easy. Sometimes we try to keep “a little” bit to hang on to – because it feels good, because it’s comfortable, because we’re having a bad day and a “little bit” of our old life makes a feel a little better. Temporarily.

Unfortunately, the real temptations in life for most of us aren’t food but are things that are more damaging to our mental and emotional well being than our physical well being. They hurt our hearts and impede our growth. We take ten steps forward only to look back in a moment of weakness and wake up to find ourselves five steps backwards. For most of my adult life when I have found myself in these types of situations it has taken me a long time to finally get to the cold turkey point. I waver, I struggle, I bargain, and I “what if” and “maybe if” in my mind until I’m physically exhausted.

Once I get to the point of never looking back something always clicks inside of me. Once I’m done, I’m done. Are there moments of temptation? Absolutely. Are there moments of struggle? Yes. But, they get so much easier. Promise. It’s worth it – to not look back, to not give in, to stand your ground, to be strong – to find out who you REALLY are, not who you think you’re supposed to be.

When you’re tempted to go back “just a little” to something that you know you are going to have a difficult time picking yourself up from – run the other way. Remember why you have moved on. Remember why you started. Remember why you are stronger than you were before.

There are no “do-overs” in this life – don’t waste your days on weakness. You are stronger than you could ever imagine if you just remember to not give up, give in, or give out.

Hungry Hearts

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Recently, I was asked to speak at a career day for a group of Kindergarteners. I must have been either having a weak moment or smoking some cheap drugs when I agreed, but agree I did. I am no public speaker – it actually terrifies me. But, branching out – right? It’s been a long time since I’ve been up in front of a group, but I’m used to being around kids anyway so of course they were the best audience I could have asked for.

Since it was career day, several of them had dressed up for the occasion. One little girl was a “veterinarian” complete with scrubs and a stethoscope (“It really works!”) She leaned up on her tiptoes and put the round metal disc to my heart. Her little face scrunched together and her bright blue eyes got very serious. She took the stethoscope away and said very matter-of-factly, “You’re hungry!”, and walked away.

We all have hungry hearts. Hunger for love, hunger for safety, hunger to be needed, hunger for friendship, hunger to be understood… An empty feeling we are needing to be filled. We need that emptiness to be filled – just like our stomachs alert us we are hungry, so do our hearts. And, much like filling our stomachs with either a Big Mac or a salad we have choices on what we fill that emptiness with.

Filling our hearts isn’t as simple as opening a bag of lettuce or going through a drive-thru, but we do and can easily find “drive-thru” solutions to temporary fill the hunger in our hearts. We can fill that hole with damaging relationships, with food and alcohol, with surrounding ourselves with people who don’t want the best for us or influence us in negative ways. We can fill it with drugs or even sleep. These are all temporary fixes.

The only way to fill our hungry hearts is with long term and loving relationships, with delicate care to our heart and mindfulness to protect it but also leaving it open enough to give and receive love and to surround ourselves with like minded people who push us to be better. But, the most lasting way to fill our hearts so they are never hungry again is with the love of our Heavenly Father.

Maybe you feel discarded. Abandoned. Even untouchable. Maybe you have made decisions or choices you wish you could take back. Maybe you blame yourself for life’s unforeseen circumstances. Maybe you have been hurt. Maybe you feel like you’re not enough. You are not unworthy. You are a special creation. You have immense value. You possess characteristics and traits that are unique to you. You have gifts to share with those around you. You are a gift to your family and your friends. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of forgiveness and worthy of a second chance. We all are.

Sometimes, we may not receive forgiveness or love from our human peers. We may feel rejected. We become frustrated and restless. This is a part of life. We ache for acceptance and love and too often, we find it fleeting. Our Heavenly Father loves us and forgives us. Continually. Everyday. For ever misstep, for every moment of regret… He forgives us. His grace is sufficient. His love is sufficient. He will never leave us or forsake us. No matter how bad we screw up He will never let us stay in the dirt alone. He will pull us up and put His arms around us and walk us home. No matter how dark the valley gets He is there.

He knows each one of our heart’s individual hungers and if we would just open our hands and let Him (yes, let) take care of us, our hearts will never be hungry again. We may yearn for earthly things but God knows each need, want and desire and He promises us that He will give us the desires of our heart. If we will only let Him.

I’ll leave you with some lines from the song “Restless” by Audrey Assad

“In between our frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I’m restless, I’m restless
‘Til I rest in You, ’til I rest in You
I am restless, I’m restless
‘Til I rest in You, ’til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You”

until next time… xoxo, patty lauren

The Companion That Never Leaves

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Brokenness. We are all broken in some ways. Broken at the actions of someone else. Broken when you made some mad decisions when you know you could have done better and stayed whole. Broken when you knew better. Broken at your own doing – sometimes that is the hardest break of all. When all you wanted was to help fix someone and got broken in the process. Seasons of brokenness can last far past the stages of moving on and healing.

Cracks remain and we find the feelings of inadequacy, fear, hurt, and loneliness seep through. We try to stop the cracks with a variety of methods – companionship, work, exercise, sleep, and for some harder methods for trying to stop the leaks.

If you’ve followed me this past year, you may remember my post last year about anxiety . Anxiety is very real. And, scary. And, when it rears its ugly head after a dormancy it can be crippling. Anxiety causes different reactions and feelings in different people. For me, I liken the feeling to being a caged animal pacing back and forth… back and forth, back and forth… all the while the cage is getting smaller and smaller.

I dealt with my high anxiety by running and going to therapy. It was an amazing few months. And, I learned things that are continuous reminders about how to deal with those moments that feel overwhelming. So why talk about it again?

Because, sometimes anxiety doesn’t go away. Sometimes you can’t just talk yourself down from it, run from it, talk through it, sleep it away… it’s there when you wake up, it’s there when you come home from your run and get into a hot shower and start to think, it’s there when you have repeated all of those key phrases to yourself to self soothe and reassure yourself.

Anxiety feels like an elephant sitting on your chest. Emotions that normally do not usually come easily flow from your body at their own will. Thoughts become jumbled. Concentration is easily broken. You feel so helpless.

But, you’re not helpless. There is always help and there is always hope. If you have found something that helps you cope with anxiety or moments of anxiety … don’t stop doing them. This is so important. I stopped running sometime last year because things were going “good” and I was happy. Big mistake.

My anxiety had taken a backseat. Backseat being the key word… it was still watching me, ready to find the first spot of weakness and blow up in my face. Luckily though, I have started back running and have signed up for a half marathon at the end of April. I’m committed to never stop running again for such a long period of time as long as I am healthy and able.

So, whatever soothes you… do that. And, do it often. Find someone to talk to that can understand what you are going through. Not everyone understands how anxiety works – they can belittle your feelings, emotions, and negate how very hopeless anxiety has the power to make you feel.

Know your triggers. All of my main triggers have been set off over the past couple of months and they have been firing on all cylinders. Hard. Every day. Sometimes all that comes out is tears. Sometimes the words are easy to write. Sometimes journaling gets me through. Running has been a huge outlet for me. And, doing something for someone else will always help you pull yourself out of the black whole of anxiety.

In life, we all have times and moments that overwhelm us – none of us are different in that regard. Let’s remember that with each other and be gentle with those around us for you never know what someone else is battling amidst this journey called life.

 

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” Corrie ten Boom

bridges

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There is an excruciating realness in seeing your whole life in front of you… everything you have ever wanted, all of the things that could be… you see the version of your life that means not settling. It’s so close you have touched it. You’ve seen it with your own eyes and touched it with your own hands. You’ve lived it – for only a few brief moments, but you’ve soaked into your skin a glow that is your life’s perfect match.

But, the glow fades. It’s a rollercoaster. It’s unpredictable. It’s not certain. It’s an exhaustive trek… to where? Maybe nowhere. Maybe to the best place you have ever imagined. You see, that’s part of the gamble when you find that perfect fit… there is a chance you will only be privy to what could be. But, there’s the chance that someday the timing of your life and the life you know you are destined for come together to change everything.

So, until then… you wait. You work. You think. You persevere. You pray to God that you have another fiber to endure. You breathe. And, hope. For even if it is lost forever… oh, how lucky you were to have it for even just a moment.

how…

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can something you were so sure of be a complete lie? Surely some truth remains in the ashes – a hope, a spark. A spark to ignite a fire that can bring ruin? Or, a spark to light the way to freedom? Or, maybe everything was a lie… a delicately conceived plan to bring you to your knees by some stronger power than yourself. A power to rip you open and make you recreate yourself because without it, you would never know who you really are. It’s a dangerous thing – that thing called life. Love. Nothing is uncomplicated in this world.