Moonshine & Wanderlust

... a cosmopolitan view from a southern perspective

Favoring Forgiveness

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It was early – earlier than I normally woke up. The half light/half darkness of the soon approaching morning filled the room as my eyes adjusted to the light of my phone. Habit – checking my phone every morning. My sleepy eyes narrowed in on the bright screen as the numbers grew clearer and my heartbeat grew faster. A number I had long removed from my phone but recognized out of familiarity filled the screen. Several missed calls and text messages hit me in the face like a ton of bricks.

“Answer your phone.”

This was a typical, demanding text from someone who I had not talked to in many months. Someone who I had taken deliberate steps to move on from after a year long entanglement. It was the most toxic relationship I’ve ever been involved in in my life. I could write many blogs about being involved with a narcissist and the kind of mind screwery it entails but today is not that day.

I didn’t return the calls or texts but they continued the next afternoon. Against my better judgment, I finally answered the phone. This particular person wanted to apologize. To make amends for things they had done to me. They offered their reasons for their behavior. I extended my forgiveness and we left things at that. I was shocked.

Fast forward several months later I came back to my office after a lunch break to find a simple, white envelope that had been placed in my chair. “Patty” was scribbled across the front of the envelope in masculine handwriting. I had no idea who it was from but when I opened and read the letter I could not have been more surprised. The letter was penned from someone I knew but had not been in contact with for a couple of years. My last year of college this person and I spent some time together – he had a reputation of being a player at the time (something I didn’t know when we were hanging out – I’m always late to the news party!) and while I never held any of his actions against him and hadn’t really given it much thought in the recent years, his past behavior plagued him and he wanted to make things right with me. He wanted to sit down with me and apologize in person. I was shocked – again.

Forgiveness. I’ve always believed in forgiveness – I’m also a big fan of mercy. I crave mercy for all of us as human beings. Because we are flawed. And, we make mistakes. But, oh… mercy. God gives us mercy every day of our lives – to bestow that on another person is a direct reflection of our intwinement with our Savior. We are commanded by God to forgive others yet this is one of the single most difficult things we face as humans. Sometimes forgiveness is not easy – sometimes it’s not even deserved.

The two stories I used as examples above continued and both ended quite different. You see, sometimes saying, “I’m sorry” is a temporary fix. “I’m sorry” is seven letters that carry a hefty meaning. Do you mean what you say? Are you willing to put in the effort to back up your words? The first “I’m sorry” proved to be yet another hollow phrase I was given by someone who within a couple of weeks of their apology had reverted back to lies upon lies, broken promises, and trying to use me. The second “I’m sorry” turned out to be a true life change for this person – someone who has completely changed their life around and done some amazing things with his life in the past couple of years.

Forgiving others is difficult but sometimes forgiving ourselves is even more difficult. Being a habitual people pleaser, I know this feeling all too well. Beating yourself up for your mistakes. Not giving yourself mercy and grace. This year has been a year of many things for me and one of them has been learning to forgive myself. It’s taken months of internal work and outside help to get to a place where I have been able to forgive myself and be at peace. To know I have no control over some situations. To learn to move on. To learn to not look back. To learn how to accept and acknowledge things I have done but not to live in a place of regret and regression. Along the way you must learn to forgive yourself and free yourself from the past. If you keep looking behind you, rereading the pages of your story that are unlovely and forever flawed, you disable yourself from growing and using your past as a lesson.

While we can learn to forgive ourselves and become better from our experiences, the same cannot always be said when we ask for forgiveness from others. Sometimes forgiveness does not mean forgetfulness. This is the most painful aspect of forgiveness and saying “I’m sorry” – it is not a cure all fix for transgressions. It’s not an immediate solution, it’s not a guaranteed healer. It is a sincere expression of remorse and hopefulness of restoration, but that is never guaranteed.

Sometimes in life, if we are very lucky, we are given second chances. Second chances, to me, are kind of like magical little pockets in our lives where we get to recreate a piece of our lives. Second chances are not about going back to the past to relive your mistakes but they are chances to make things new while bringing life lessons and appreciation to a fresh beginning. And, even if second chances are something we do not find in our lives we can hope for brand new beginnings in every other part of our lives that bring new fruit, new hope, and new plans for every new day of our life.

Forgiveness is a precious gift. To others and to ourselves. When you find yourself in a situation of having the opportunity to forgive, remember God’s promises to us as He forgives our flaws and imperfections – our constant stumbles and staggers. And, if find yourself in a position to ask for forgiveness – give your whole heart in your asking. Expect nothing in return but give everything you have. Be a living testimony to the change in your heart with your actions.

“I don’t know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, ‘Well, if I’d known better I’d have done better,’ that’s all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, ‘I’m sorry,’ and then you say to yourself, ‘I’m sorry.’ If we all hold on to the mistake, we can’t see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can’t see what we’re capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one’s own self…The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don’t have that we never grow, we never learn…”

until next time… xoxo, patty lauren

Cold Turkey

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“Free cheese is always available in mousetraps.” – Unknown

Do you ever try to bargain with yourself? You know – “I’ll just have a small slice of this chocolate cake”, “I’ll just have one drink,” “I’ll go workout tomorrow.” We all have. Some of us are better bargainers than others. I’ve played that game with myself for years. Usually it’s where relationships are concerned. We all have our bargaining weak spots – relationships, food, working out, alcohol, etc. It’s a power play against our will and our weaknesses.

Recently I needed to stop at the grocery store to pickup 3 things: egg whites, tuna, and a sweet potato. I only had $3 in cash because I lost my debit card (more on that story coming another day – it involves running out of gas. Don’t ask.) so I was having to be very selective in my purchases. Somehow between the tuna and the egg whites my body found itself on this aisle:

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I think they purposely put this type of stuff on the end of the aisle so you can’t help but see it and stop when you walk by. Let me preface all this to say I don’t think I have EVER bought a whole package of Oreos to keep at my house. I don’t keep sweets in my house, period. Maybe some chocolate but that’s it. I enjoy baking and cooking but I’m not someone who has a snack cabinet or anything like that. However, s’mores are one of my favorite little treats ever (I went through a phase where I had one every night before bed) and I am extremely intrigued by these s’mores Oreos. I’m more of a Reeses gal myself, but these days anything and everything hydrogenated and sugary is looking reeeeeeal good.

You see, when you dial certain things down or completely out of your life sometimes there is this thing that rears its ugly head. That little thing is called temptation. Ah, yes. Whether it’s my body tempting me to eat a whole package of Oreos or my mind tempting me to sabotage my sanity, temptation is rampant. And, even more so when you are trying to be “good.” Whatever that means to you. The temptation is always 1,000% stronger and harder to fight when you are on the straight and narrow. This could apply to hundreds of things – pick your personal poison.

If you read Gone Girl you know I am following the IIFYM (If It Fits Your Macros) lifestyle right now. Love it. Could I eat a few Oreos and stay on track? Absolutely. Could I eat a few Oreos and stop there? Eeehhh. Not on this particular night. I would probably have bargained with myself and eaten way more than a few and then told myself I’d make it up some other way. I know myself pretty well these days and weak PL was looking at those s’mores Oreos like she looks at a new pair of high heels on sale.

So – I walked away. I said no. I didn’t bargain. Because, bargaining often leads to losing. I’ve come too far to tempt myself. Do I eat sweets? Of course. But, I stay within my macros. Am I going to do this forever? Probably not, but I have some super specific goals right now and I have worked far too hard and far too long to bargain my way into a few moments of pleasure. Because, isn’t that really what temptation and bargaining with ourselves is about? A few moments of pleasure for something that won’t last? Something that feels good in the moment but ultimately leaves us feeling empty and more broken than before?

Cutting bad things out of your life is never easy. Sometimes we try to keep “a little” bit to hang on to – because it feels good, because it’s comfortable, because we’re having a bad day and a “little bit” of our old life makes a feel a little better. Temporarily.

Unfortunately, the real temptations in life for most of us aren’t food but are things that are more damaging to our mental and emotional well being than our physical well being. They hurt our hearts and impede our growth. We take ten steps forward only to look back in a moment of weakness and wake up to find ourselves five steps backwards. For most of my adult life when I have found myself in these types of situations it has taken me a long time to finally get to the cold turkey point. I waver, I struggle, I bargain, and I “what if” and “maybe if” in my mind until I’m physically exhausted.

Once I get to the point of never looking back something always clicks inside of me. Once I’m done, I’m done. Are there moments of temptation? Absolutely. Are there moments of struggle? Yes. But, they get so much easier. Promise. It’s worth it – to not look back, to not give in, to stand your ground, to be strong – to find out who you REALLY are, not who you think you’re supposed to be.

When you’re tempted to go back “just a little” to something that you know you are going to have a difficult time picking yourself up from – run the other way. Remember why you have moved on. Remember why you started. Remember why you are stronger than you were before.

There are no “do-overs” in this life – don’t waste your days on weakness. You are stronger than you could ever imagine if you just remember to not give up, give in, or give out.

Dream Killers

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I’m a people pleaser. I’ve been that way my whole life and no doubt there have been many times this quality has lent itself to opening myself up to be manipulated, taken advantage of, and  ultimately left empty. There have been times in my life I have tried to adopt the “I don’t care! I’m gonna do what I want! Rawr!” but when I took that attitude to the extreme I really didn’t like who I became Because, that’s just not me. I do care. Sometimes I care too much. But, that’s Patty Lauren. I want to please, I want people to be happy, I want to fix things. I don’t want someone to be mad at me – that’s a huge issue for me and one I am actively trying to work on, because it’s not reality to be responsible for someone else’s happiness or worrying about walking on eggshells with people.

My dad and I laugh about this now but when I was a little girl I was obsessed with the idea he was mad at me. I have no idea why I thought he was, but I did. “Are you mad at me?” was a constant question – probably to the point of actually making him mad! I won’t spend this time to psychoanalyze myself – I’ll leave that to the professionals. However, there is a lot to be said for this mindset as adults.

If you find yourself relating to me in being a people pleaser you know what it’s like to want people to be proud of you. To support you in everything and never be upset with you. Unfortunately, that’s not reality. It’s not fair to put that pressure on yourself or your friends or family. When you find your true purpose in life you will find these things becoming less and less important. When you’re secure in who you are and what God has placed upon your life the worry and the need to please eases away in the wind. It’s less of the harsh “I’ll do what I want!” and more of the gentle, “This is what I am supposed to do.”

As I’ve touched on in some recent posts, I’ve encountered plenty of negativity as I have become healthier, more fit, and set some big goals for myself. Some of the comments I have received have been beyond hurtful and mean. Now, I don’t want to paint a picture of all negativity and no support because that’s definitely not true. The positivity I have been able to surround myself with and the get encouragement I get on a daily basis whether it be emails, text messages, etc. from old friends, new friends, and strangers far, far outweighs the negative. I am BLESSED to have support and encouragement. But, as I am human, I find myself sometimes hanging on to the sometimes hurtful words of well-meaning (or sometimes just plain ol’ buzz killers) individuals.

Sometimes these hurtful words float around in my brain and burrow away in a soft cavity of self doubt – and they just hang out in there until I am having a difficult day and they pop out like, “SURPRISE!!” I may be working out my body six days a week, but I also workout my mind to be stronger for fighting off lies and doubts and yes, the occasional “hater”. Sometimes those negative words don’t come from other people but they come from an even more dangerous person – self. We can be our biggest destructions.

But, we have to live with ourselves. What do you tell yourself when you are having a bad day? We are all on different paths, but the messages we feed ourselves can be helpful or hurtful. We identify ourselves as friends, daughters, sons, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends. We are each individuals crafted by God to be extraordinary. You possess gifts and talents that are unique to you. Do you remember that when you are having a bad day? Do you give yourself a little pep talk about pushing through moments that are difficult, even painful, and remind yourself that the storm passes?

Sometimes self-talk is given a bad wrap, but it’s important. It’s important to be content, happy, and secure in yourself no matter what goals you are pursuing. We are so quick to be harsh with ourselves when we are not doing things the way we think we should be. Not fast enough, not hard enough, not good enough, not perfect enough. We can easily zone in on the “nots” and forget that any good thing takes patience, care, and most of all – dedication.

Don’t be your own dream killer. Don’t listen to your doubts, but instead find motivation in your progress and let that be the fire that leads your way. And, don’t listen to the negativity that you may be hearing from others. You never know where their comments are stemming from – could be jealousy or envy or maybe just a simple lack of understanding. Remember that your journey is your own. Don’t let yourself settle in the sediment of negativity but instead float along the top – remember where you are going and never look back.

 until next time… xoxo, patty lauren

Gone Girl

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This post was originally published around this time last year… I’ve updated a few things, but the original narrative remains unchanged. 

Let’s Start at the Beginning, Shall We?

This story really begins in the summer of 2012 and  all of 2013, 2014, and some of 2015. Once upon a time, I was a skinny teenager with deer legs who went through an incredibly awkward stage for what seemed like an incredibly long period of time.

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Somewhere my Dad is crying from laughter.

As things happen and I got older, I gained a “normal” amount of weight. I also went through periods of time when I worked out and was in decent “shape” (aka: skinny fat). I loved Pilates and the elliptical. I wouldn’t do weights at the gym because I didn’t want to “get big.” Oh, how times have changed.

In 2012, I was getting ready to embark on a new life journey but not before I crammed a lot of living into that year. I had never rebelled as a teenager or young adult and now that I was finally living on my own I spent a good portion of that year indulging in life. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I can’t count the nights that 3am was when the night ended – often in the drive-thru of Krystal with my best friends at the time. One day I’ll write a salacious book about all of our escapades – maybe. While I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything but I would trade the way I treated my body. I was shoving life down my own throat and the food and drinks came along for the ride.

So, here I was in 2013 the most weight I had ever weighed. I tipped the scale at 155 lbs at 5’5” – that’s considered overweight. Don’t get me wrong – my goal has never been to be a stick, despite what some people may believe. Curvy? Awesome. Booty? Yes, please. Sexy and feminine? Check and check. Overweight, unhealthy, depressed, and feel trapped in a body that you know is not yours? Negative, nada, no thanks, and BAD. There is nothing that compares to feeling like you are a prisoner in your own body.

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For a good portion of 2013 I kept on the same train – eating, drinking, and being merry. In late summer I had some personal things happen and I coped by losing weight. Guess how I did it? Ding ding ding!! I didn’t eat! Woohoo!! I’m so smart and I have a college degree. WRONG. So dumb. I was biking 8 miles a day and barely eating. Did I lose weight? Of course. Was I healthy? NO. Was it a sustainable lifestyle? NO. I was coping with emotions I didn’t know how to deal with and I was manipulating my body by starving myself physically, emotionally, and mentally.

As women, we often think if we can control our food and our body we can control everything else. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. You’ve got to get a grip on the rest of your life and then work on your physical. Otherwise, the results will never last. They will always be a band-aid for something else. If you’re happy with your body that’s all that matters. I wasn’t. I knew there was a foxy lady inside clawing to get out – I just didn’t know how to find her yet.

In late 2013 I started running with one of my good friends who had been in the Army and he really helped get me started on learning to run and getting some stamina. He would never let me stop – even if I was barely jogging. We would run for miles all around town and just talk. It was awesome and it developed my deep love of running. I kept up running for half of 2014 and ran several 5Ks, but not much else had changed. I was still in a vicious cycle of binge eating or not eating at all. I was in a relationship where pizza night and Netflix was a frequent occurrence and being active was not a priority. So, I quit running.

[Side note: this isn’t meant to be a reflection necessarily of my circumstance at the time, but please – do not get in a relationship with someone who is not on your level as far as drive and dedication or can’t respect your own. One or both of you is going to be sorely disappointed. You might be able to make it work for awhile but eventually someone is going to complain you spend too much time doing what your passion is if they don’t have one of their own. I love seeing couples who both are focused and work hard – even if it’s for different things – because they “get it.” They share they successes and their relationship is stronger for it.] <—- edit: I love reading this now 🤗

Losing the Old Self

By the fall of 2014 I was out of my relationship and existing – trying to figure out who I really was. I started, slowly, running again but I was still coasting. If you have followed my blog for any period of time, you have heard me say 2015 has been my best year yet. I spent the first part of 2015 in La La Land – I half assed a lot of things this year and ended up paying for it. I’ll never forget sitting in my best friend’s office bawling my eyes out one particularly difficult morning while someone I am very close to gave me a nice little talking-to on the phone. She said everything I needed to hear at the time. And, I’ll never forget this particularly tough love comment – “Patty Lauren doesn’t even know who Patty Lauren is.” Ouch. But, she was right. I didn’t.

The next few weeks really were just me trying to grope my way through my own darkness and trying to figure out who I was, who I needed to be, who I wanted to be… you know, things you’re supposed to have figured out in your twenties.

In March I started biking and running again. I had been kind of training for a half marathon (remember that half-assed comment? Yep, half-assing my running, too. Okay, I’m going to stop saying half-assing!) so I was trying to step that game up a little bit but I knew I had to do more. This was going to be my year. Amazingly enough for someone who hadn’t trained that hard I finished my half marathon in a little over three hours but I finished! Looking back it’s so cool to know I actually ran 13.1 miles. One of my best memories of my entire life.

Gym life: I hired a personal trainer at the beginning of May and haven’t looked back a day. Sure, I probably could have gone to the gym alone and winged it (didn’t say the other phrase) but I needed something different. I needed to be different. I have never felt such a drive and passion as I do know. Everything really started falling into place.

I still have my trainer and we work together twice a week. You should definitely check out Body by Hannah – I owe so much of my success to Hannah and my trainer Caitlin. I wouldn’t be where I am without having the opportunity to meet them – they have truly changed my life. <—- edit: WHAT!! Now I’m a trainer at Body by Hannah. I started shadowing Hannah at the beginning of the year, passed my certification in April, Caitlin moved to pursue her doctorate degree and I started getting my own clients at the studio. On September 1, 2016 I transitioned into being a full-time personal trainer at Body by Hannah. What I said will always be true – they changed my life and now I get to do what I’ve always been meant to do… it just took me a long time to get there. 

 At the time of this blog publication, I was up at 4:30am everyday and going to the gym 2x a day in preparation for my fitness competition. It’s been almost a year since then and I’ve settled into a couple of different routines since then. I try to walk or ride my bike at least 30 minutes everyday and I’m lifting weights in the gym anywhere from 3-5 days a week depending on if I’m doing full body workouts or splits. I’ve also enjoyed being able to try lots of new things, try some classes I’ve wanted to try, and stay active with friends during the week. 

Blood, sweat, and tears – that’s a lot of what you don’t see. Am I tired? Yes. Right now I am working anywhere from 50-60 hours a week but I don’t let that become an excuse to not grind 100% every single day. Many of my days are 15, 16, 17 hours long… you make time for what is important. I know it’s not my job but that saying of waking up every day looking forward to your job – that’s how I feel about my life. <— my days are not as long anymore, but now what I love IS my job!! Woohoo! 

Food – Edit: When I wrote this last summer I was counting macros (IIFYM)… it worked for me for a long time and especially in preparation for my show, but I officially stopped counting macros earlier this year and try to live more by the 80/20 rule. I try to eat a well balanced diet with lots of veggies and whole grains, fruit, good fats, etc. but I enjoy treats now and then. Cooking is again a huge part of my life and something I’ve learned to enjoy again. Counting macros zapped a lot of fun out of my daily life once I had done it for awhile and it was causing me more stress and obsessive tendencies than being mindful about my food.  

The rest: The rest was meant to be as “the rest of the story”, but actual rest is so important. Fortunately for me, I was already in a relatively good pattern of going to bed at a decent hour. You have to listen to your body though. And, sometimes your body says “Go to bed at 8:30pm.” As much as this year as been a year of “yes” sometimes I have had to say “no.” And, sometimes you have to be willing to sit with your friends while they down pitchers of beers and plates of nachos and you’re like, “I’ll take another one of these savory lemon waters, please!”

I read – a lot. I’ve never read so much for learnable knowledge since college. I read a lot every day about nutrition and workouts and general fitness information. I listen – a lot. I try to be a sponge. Sometimes I’m a forgetful sponge so I have to ask again and again, but I ask. I’ve found some really awesome people through Instagram that I have been able to ask questions and follow to learn some invaluable information.

You know the saying about time passes anyway so you might as well do something with it? I cannot imagine my life if I had continued doing the same things I was four months ago. I would be heartbroken to know I had wasted 120 days of amazing living. Time is passing – you have each new day to make a decision to do something amazing. To try something new. To turn your life around. Your only limitations are the ones you put on yourself.

A lot of people have asked me how much weight I’ve lost and while I don’t mind discussing that I want to make it clear it’s not been just about the weight loss for me. It has been a COMPLETE life change. The biggest compliments are not the ones that say, “Wow, you’ve lost so much weight!” – they are the ones that say, “Wow, you look so different! You look so HAPPY.” I have never felt like this in my entire life and unless you’ve gone through a complete metamorphosis it is hard to explain in words. Total, I have lost over 40 lbs. of body weight. I also lost 40 lbs. of emotional weight,anxiety weight,depression weight and gained more life than I could have ever imagined having.

There are days I have cried because I think about how I felt before – how I felt inside compared to what I looked like on the outside. It wasn’t me. Part of me is sad that I wasted so many years settling to be mediocre myself, but I believe in God’s perfect timing and I truly believe I had to live all of those years the way I was and go through the things I have to be 1,000% dedicated to my life today. He knew when I would be truly ready – it just took me a little while to get here.

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If you’ve braved through this whole narrative I’ll leave you with this: Don’t let anything stop you from being who you know you are destined to be. Whether it be a great mom, a loving wife, an amazing friend, a lawyer, a doctor, or just a happy person. We limit ourselves for thousands of reasons but we only need one reason to start living our full lives – because why not? Why not start TODAY to start a new direction? The minutes are passing by… ticking slowly off the clock. What are you going to do with your time today? I promise you, you will never be sorry you started.

The Beauty of Being Scared

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Have you ever set a goal for yourself that seems impossible? Maybe it seems impossible because it’s going to take years to accomplish or because you don’t have a good support system or you don’t have enough faith in yourself or it just seems downright difficult and you wonder if you have the perseverance to see it through to the end. Goals that seem extreme can be scary, but I am learning they are some of the best kind to set for yourself. They push you to dig way deep down inside yourself and pull up everything you’ve learned your whole life, they teach you to have confidence in yourself, they show you who your true friends are, they focus your drive and stamina into something powerful.

Smaller goals are good, too, but they often just get us from point A to point B. Lose weight. Get a diploma. Get more sleep. Pick up a new hobby. You get the idea. They float us along – helping us get better or become more knowledgable, but once we meet them, then what? Often times, they’re not very challenging. Perhaps it’s because we’re scared to dream big and set big goals. I know that’s why I’ve always shied away from those goals – because I was scared. When we start becoming our whole selves and we lean on God and the fuzzy stuff in life starts fading away and other things become more in focus, it’s almost like being a pony in a race with blinders on – your vision becomes honed in and crystal clear.

Extreme goals take extreme faith. They take radical determination and dedication. They can make you or break you. They will challenge your mental, emotional, and physical strength. A few weeks ago, I set an extreme goal for myself. I’m not quite ready to share it with everyone but I will eventually. Not only will it challenge me in the areas I just described but it’s something 100% of out of my comfort zone. I couldn’t be more excited, scared or ready. If I could have one wish for anyone I knew it would be that, if you didn’t already, you would know what it feels like to be completely free and content and truly be able to feel like you could accomplish anything you set your mind to. That you would be truly happy and even know everyone will have an opinion about anything and everything you do, you would feel so secure in your choices it wouldn’t matter.

Go for the scary. Go for the extreme. Do what unnerves you and makes your insides tremble and your blood race. Because those are the things that change you forever. Those are the things that take you off the path of mediocrity and propel you into a world set ablaze of opportunity and unimaginable possibilities. Those are the things that change you forever.

“Set a goal so BIG that if you ever achieved it it would BLOW your mind.” – Unknown

until next time… xoxo, patty lauren