Moonshine & Wanderlust

... a cosmopolitan view from a southern perspective

Bruises

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I’m a bruiser. It doesn’t take much to leave a nice smattering of deep purple and green on my body. I think I have about eight right now. They’re slowly fading, but I know I acquired some new ones on my hike this past weekend.

Sometimes bruises can be hidden, but more often than not they’re going to be loud and proud. Sometimes it takes a long time for them to go away… they’re a constant reminder of pain. A reminder of struggle. They’re ugly. They’re flawed. They make a feel a little less beautiful or handsome.

A friend of mine and I were recently talking about this “year of transition” we are both experiencing. Growing and becoming a better person is non-stop. The days I start to feel a little “comfortable” with where I am is when I actually feel the worst. I start thinking about the past, I get frustrated, I feel defeated, I feel like I’m not doing enough, I become restless, my anxiety goes into high drive… on and on and on. Since I am all about honesty with the topics I choose to share with my readers, it’s no lie when I say those days are really hard. I can easily become consumed with having an enormous and successful pity party for one.

Those days are the ones where I have to remember to shift. I have to regroup. I have to be willing to be bruised. Over and over again. To make myself tougher. To not settle for being mediocre. To never become complacent. The only person we’re in competition with is ourselves and if you are lying around doing the same thing day in and day out you are not going to change. God is not going to swoop down and shine some shining light on you and *voila* you are a different person. God gave us free will. No one is going to do it for you. Remember: if you’re not happy with yourself no one else will be either.

Change is slow. Good change, anyway. We’re all familiar with quick changes. They’re often short, aren’t they? They’re easy and fleeting. Good changes are the difficult ones. The ones that take months or years to culminate into something tangible. And, some are never finished. The internal growth of ourselves has to be constant because as I said above – as soon as you are in a good place… you’re going to find yourself falling. The moment you think everything is “great” is the moment the rug gets pulled out from under you.

My newfound love of hiking is probably the cause of most of my most recent bruises but it has shown me things about myself I never thought possible. Everyone has different reasons for being out in nature be it love of beauty, exercise or adventure.

I enjoy hiking for all of those reasons but being me I had to look for that deeper meaning to really correlate with my life. It’s a lot of patience with a little pain. I’ve always struggled with being impatient. I want to fix a situation now. I want my prayer answered now. You know what the problem with that is a lot of the times? I. It is a constant journey of surrender and learning. I can’t fix everything. I can’t make all the wrongs right. I can’t control most of the situations that I want to, but I can control myself and my own progress.

Hiking has taught me to be patient. I can’t rush my way to the top or bottom. I can’t skimp to get there faster. I have to take it step by step. I have to look for the grooves in the rock to grasp with my hands and the places to stick my feet to pull me up. If I’m not patient I could slip and hurt myself or worse. It has taught me I have to slow down. I have to survey my progress and make the next intentional step. I have to remember I am making the progress as long as I keep going. I am becoming stronger.

One of my friends asked me yesterday, “What keeps you motivated?” That’s such a loaded question. A lot of things keep me motivated. But, the one thing I have to say is the constant is what I said above – the only person I’m in competition with is myself. I do it for the satisfaction I get when I look in the mirror. I do it for remembering where I was just four weeks ago and where I am now. I do it knowing at 30 years old I’m on my way to the best shape I’ve ever been in. I know where I’m going. And, it’s not just the physical. The physical is easy compared to the internal workouts I’ve been doing. They’re the workouts that go on 24/7. They’re the ones that really hurt. They’re the ones that matter because those are the ones that affect everyone else around me. I’m motivated to be my very best.

One of my favorite songs to listen to when I workout is Justin Timberlake’s “TKO”…

Baby, everyday in training to get the gold That’s why your body’s crazy But you can’t run from yourself, that’s where it’s difficult

Physical. Mental. Emotional. Spiritual. The training never stops. Stop running from your weaknesses. Face them head on and knock them out.

Bruises remind you that you’re moving. They remind you that you are human and vulnerable but you are not breakable.

Pour

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In a recent yoga session, our instructor read this beautiful quote from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

“The best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain.”

If you read, “Rooting”, you know it was about renewal branching out, revisiting your roots. It was about growth and about being a better you. If you are going through a period of transition or you are trying to do some internal adjusting you have to remember that the rain is going to come. But, don’t let it drown you.

When you are on the right path you hope it’s always going to be this amazing. Every day seems bright and blue. You have gotten really good at reminding yourself of your purpose. Whatever you have been doing has been working. You are seeing results – whether they are physical, emotional, or mental.

I see this a lot from people I know that are hard core into fitness. The good ones are honest about the plateaus and the frustration of the days that aren’t so good or the days that seem like total failures. And, when you are doing anything that is supposed to be bettering you these days are inevitable. And, they can be crushing. But, what do these people do? They keep going. And, they see the results.

You’ll be having a great day. You’ll seemingly be on a high. Things are going awesome. And, then… the bottom falls out. Maybe you know what triggered it. Maybe you don’t. You just feel the caving in coming and the next thing you know you are crying in yoga class while struggling to do the humble warrior pose.

There will be nights you’re alone and trying to get your legs through the right holes in your underwear will be a struggle. You’ll crash into the wall because you’re simultaneously trying to dress yourself and turn on the front porch light.

You’ll be tempted to go to bed at 8pm watching Teen Witch on Netflix.

You’ll be tempted to order Chinese food in all of its MSG glory and eat a side of pizza with extra cheese. And, hey, who doesn’t love a container of frosting for dessert?

You’ll be tempted to go back to some place that is comfortable but you know is detrimental to your journey. It could be an actual place, it could be a person, or it could be a bad habit you’ve broken. But, it’s comfortable.

Growth is not comfortable. Ask any kid going through puberty. Being better at anything is rarely easy and comfortable.

This month in yoga we are doing heart opening positions and flows and working our way up to the wheel pose. Of course there are some people in the class who have no problem doing the wheel – I am not one of them. I may be pretty flexible and have some good lower body strength, but my upper body strength is peanuts. It’s a work in progress.

For those of us trying to accomplish a successful wheel by the end of the month use foam blocks to help get us to where we need to be. I have managed to get up off the ground, but haven’t been successful in getting my head up off the ground, too. Growth. My arms shake and hurt and I get frustrated, but I don’t give up.

Don’t Give Up.

Keep going. Let the rain come. Look up to the sky and let it pour. Let the rain remind you that you are in a continual stage of growth. There will be days of rain. But, there will be many more days of sunshine. Don’t peddle back now – you have come so far.

That extra cheesy, stuffed crust pizza may feel really good when you’re eating it, but chances are you’re either going to feel guilty about it later or you’re going to be sick. Don’t even get me started on the frosting.

Hanging out with that friend who believes making you feel better equals taking you out to a bar and getting drunk is not looking at your long term growth and success.

Remember the reason you have quit a bad habit. Remember how you felt when you did it and remember why you stopped doing it. Don’t let one bad day ruin your progress.

Go for that run. Go to the gym. Text that friend who will give you a scripture verse or an encouraging word. Heck, watch some Netflix. Call an old friend and catch up. Often times, talking to someone else and hearing about their triumphs and struggles allows us to be the encourager and reminds us that we truly all are in this together.

Our struggles are different but we all need encouragement and support.

…March Comes In Like a Lion…

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Delayed. Derailed. Out of (my) Control.

That’s how March has started off for me. This whole week has been one of derailment. Choices, actions, decisions, words said, words unsaid. There are always elements based on our controlled actions that have an uncontrollable outcome. Some good. Some bad. I’ve cried more in the past five days than I have in the past three months. Actions. Sometimes you get something really good, something you have needed, something you didn’t even know you needed, something you wanted for so long. something that is special… and you are so excited. And, *BOOM*. Actions. Roaring actions that derail the good thing. Time can’t be gotten back… days move on, you lose moments, you lose memories… you lose time. You spend those lost moments in the “what ifs”, but there is no going back. So, you wait. You wait for the delayed outcome. Is it good? Is it bad? It’s out of your control.

***

I share a lot with my readers. We relate. You give me feedback and encouragement. While March has been difficult, I’m going to share the part of the journey that has happened that helped put together this month and what I have been wanting to say and what has been going on in my heart. However, it comes as a (hopefully) humorous adventure…

I am currently sitting in the public library in Williamson, GA. Look it up. It’s basically a shed. Okay, that’s not true. It’s a really cute little house type place, but this is the smallest library I’ve ever been in. Why am I here? Because, I have no access to internet to blog except on my phone and the thought of typing all of this out on my iPhone made me cry again. Okay, that’s not true either but you get the gist.

So, WHY am I sitting in the public library using their internet writing a blog about how ferocious my week has been? Well, gentle reader… let me tell you.

At this point in time, I should have been having a delicate little meal in a hole-in-the-wall cafe with my friend LM in New York City. Instead, I am sitting here with a melting (but equally as delicious, I am sure) Frosty.

Three days in my favorite city with my friend with no plans but to eat, drink and be merry.

I started my journey to Atlanta this morning at 7am complete with a pit stop to Starbucks for a Venti Quad Shot WCM Latte (ie: something to get you in between vomiting and explosive diarrhea, but definitely guaranteed to give you shaky hands) – I have managed to do my hair, my makeup, dress nice, kiss the dog, text my loved ones, and cruise down the road listening to my carefully constructed “NYC Jams” Spotify playlist. I am keenly aware I am not as cool as I think I am, but a girl can dream.

I arrive at the Atlanta airport, get through security, and claim my spot. My plane is supposed to leave at 11:45AM. The time is getting closer… 11:12AM, 11:14AM… *dlerp dlerp* my phone starts buzzing with texts from family about an Atlanta airplane skidding off the tarmac at Laguardia. Actions.

Flight delayed. 12:15PM. Lagaurdia closed until 7pm. Flight cancelled. CANCELLED. Actions.

I’ve had flights cancelled before… it happens. It’s a part of life. Delays are a part of life. I waited and waited and waited to talk to someone. They didn’t have an answer. I was finally able to get another flight scheduled for tomorrow – awesome! It doesn’t get in until 11PM. Not so awesome. Derailment. Out of my control. Not the answer I wanted. Disappointment.

At this point, I am in full on “I am going to get this worked out mode”, but I feel the pressure inside of my body slowly rising. I feel that headache I’ve already dulled once today start creeping back into the back of my brain stem. Pushing. The tears are wanting to come, but I am on a mission. At least until I get a better answer.

I tote myself to the car rental… the first place I tried – out of cars. The second place – I got into some area that was not the line and then people starting cutting me in line. Third place – finally! I have been immeasurably blessed today with helpful people. I was able to get a good car for a good price and get on my way.

Sitting in the car, it happens. The frustration, the disappointment, the tired, the hurt… actions. I sit in my shiny, little black car that is clean and new and everything good and everything I had hoped… and cry. I cry for the day and I cry for a lot of other reasons, but it is an acute moment of heaviness and clarity – all at the same time.

Thankfully, I have family not far from Atlanta. And, lots of people to call me and text me and check in and tell me jokes (Why do you never gift a women a watch for a gift? Answer: There’s a clock on the stove!) LM has been sending me pictures of our beautiful view in our classic Midtown hotel. And, assuring me no matter when I am able to get to the City, we will make the most of it. Actions.

So, as I sit here time warped into 1996 with my public library internet usage and wrap up this adventure (for now!) I am focusing on the brutality of the delays, the derailments and having things out of my control. God is purposeful. Life is purposeful. Actions happen – whether bad ones based on our own inept moments of weakness or simply because they are “a thing” The lesson is to be learned in the derailment. Patience. Solidarity. Hopefulness. Thankfulness. Thankfulness for time to think about treasuring every good moment you are granted for they can be altered in sheer seconds or thankfulness for an altered path that leads to the same destination. Finding joy in the moments of “what next.”

Check in soon.

xoxo, patty lauren

…

“March roars in like a lion
So fierce,
The wind so cold,
It seems to pierce.

The month rolls on
And Spring draws near,
And March goes out
Like a lamb so dear.”

   – Lorrie Hill

she put on her shoes and ran

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Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up, it knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve. It doesn’t matter whether you’re the lion or a gazelle – when the sun comes up, you’d better be running. – Christopher McDougall

Most days, I feel like the gazelle – running from the ferocity of my thoughts and fears.

I started running at the end of the summer in 2013. I always wanted to run – I had the desire, but I was scared. I would see people running on the sidewalk on my daily drive back home from work, I would see people run on the weekends… Old people, young people. One thing they all had in common? They were free. To me, they looked like the most powerful creature I had seen with my own eyes. I doubted my own body and my own endurance. I ached to be free.

One of my best friends, C, was into running and made it seem doable – she gave me some good tips and we would run together sometimes. At the beginning, it was as hard as I thought it was going to be – I thought I was going to die. I knew I wouldn’t die, but it sure felt like it sometimes. When I first started, I was lucky if I could run for two minutes at a time. I started to run every day. I bought running shoes, running pants, running tops. I’m not going to buy stuff to wear if I’m not going to use it – so, obviously this was a serious endeavor if it was going to affect my wardrobe.

As the days grew shorter and my endurance grew longer, my friend, Z, had just come back from Colorado after being honorably discharged from the Military. He said he would run with me every day. And, that’s what we did. We ran in the rain, we ran in the freezing cold as the fall nights set in, we ran with our dogs, we ran alone… we just ran. He pushed me – when I needed to stop, he let me stop, but he encouraged me to push through it. I found that even if I was just “baby jogging” (going the pace slower than turtles through peanut butter – that’s a quote from somewhere) I kept moving. Z and I eventually ended our daily runs when I started running through the freezing temperatures in December and the pouring rain – apparently I’m a little more crazy than a military veteran.

While I love the times I get to run with my friends, the times I run alone are my favorite. The times I run alone are when my thoughts perfectly align – they stop being jumbled and confusing. Somehow, for thirty minutes or an hour, they make perfect sense. The times I run alone, I am strong, I am happy…  I am free. I have proven to myself that I have accomplished something I never thought I could do. Running has changed me. I started running during a period of my life that was incredibly painful – a period that still lingers – running has made me stronger not only physically, but mentally. Running has taught me discipline and determination. Running has freed me.

Today, I ran my first 5K. Next month, I’ll run another 5K and am in the process of training for a half marathon in April.

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{me & my friend C}