Moonshine & Wanderlust

... a cosmopolitan view from a southern perspective

I have a confession…

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I have anxiety. The kind of anxiety that can put me in bed all day. The kind of anxiety that makes me not remember what a day without feeling nauseas and sick to my stomach is like. The kind of anxiety that makes me not be able to breathe. The kind of anxiety that causes tears and overwhelming feelings of fear. The kind of anxiety that makes me disengage from those I love. The kind of anxiety that makes thoughts of running away seem more appealing than living with the fear of the next time the anxiety will overtake an hour… a day… a week.

 

The thing is most of the time I have no reason for feeling the way I do – that’s what’s so frustrating to my rational side. I have everything I could ever need. Anticipatory anxiety is a technical term, but I don’t like labels. The looming of “what if” is always whispering in my ear. It doesn’t take much to cause an anxiety filled few hours – What if my car blows up on the side of the road? What if someone breaks into my house? What if I lose my job? What if I get cancer? What if someone I love gets sick? What if, what if, what if. I know so many people around me who really have serious things to be concerned about, serious problems in their life… that’s what makes living with anxiety so difficult sometimes. Because, I know I have nothing to worry about, yet I can’t stop. It’s like an addiction – I can have a great day… everything is going good, things are in place, life is going along but something seems wrong. Something seems wrong because I’m not anxious about something, I’m not fretting over the next obstacle I need to face and thwart. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted.

 

When I got back from my trip to St. Simons, I felt so renewed and refreshed for 2014. Things were perfect, really. I had peace and a plan. Somewhere between February and now, things have slowly been falling apart inside of me… like old paint chipping off of a wall. Layer by layer. Some days I feel like I’m spiraling into I-don’t-know what – a mire of mud? An empty hole where everyone I love is looking down at me and mad and confused because I can’t get my act together? I don’t find a lot of understanding in my anxiety… I find a lot of frustration, though. Because, after all, I have nothing to worry about.

 

I needed to write. Someone else needs this, because they’re feeling the same things I am. You’re not alone. When I was younger, I was the Queen of “don’t worry about anything, instead pray about everything.” Literally… everything. I prayed when I couldn’t find a paper or lost a toy. I find myself not praying as much. I find myself at a place where I am looking at everything I’m missing out on because my puzzle pieces are a mess. I’m not me. Somewhere last year I put on a cloak of discontent – and it’s still with me. I freely took it and wore it, thinking I could better myself into someone other than who I am. Who I am likes simple things. I like my small place to live. I like saving money. I like not having to be the best at every thing just to prove a point. I was handed a gift of discontent by someone who didn’t even know themselves and I have carried it with me for months.

 

There are many days I look around and I have no idea why on earth God has blessed me so abundantly. I have been given the most beautiful life and I know I am undeserving, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt where I am now is not God-given. So… for now, I have to take one day at a time. I have to run, I have to breathe, I have to love… because those are small things that keep me going. The verse Romans 12:2 has been on my heart recently…

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.

The world tells us we need more, we need to strive for wealth and more possession and more affluence and more to cram our life so full of stuff that we have no room for worth. The world robs us of our worth… worry robs us of our worth, our joy, our life. We are not getting any of this time back… it doesn’t matter how much I save I could die tomorrow and I will have spent the past three months of my life thinking what I would do if I didn’t have any money. We have conformed to the world’s ideals of worth and successfulness. We have bought the lies of entitlement and self-servitude so we reiterate those words to those we love and they carry on the torch until all that is left are robots in a world of worrying how we are going to keep up with the Joneses.

We want more until more begins to want us.

 

A Delicate Affair

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If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? – Unknown

One of my best friends, C, got married two weekends ago. C isn’t the first of my girlfriends I’ve seen off into this new chapter of life, but she is one in my little trio. I’m the only one left – it’s not as tragic as it sounds, I’m quite happy with my life as it stands. Of course, before the special day there are parties to be had and memories to be made. I love parties. I love having parties more than I like attending parties. I like having people over at my house and decorating and everything that comes along with being a hostess, right down to the paper invitations. Yes, some of us still send real invitations.

A few days before the wedding, I threw C a lingerie shower. Now, you know I can’t divulge all of the naughty tidbits, but I do want to share some great ideas not only for a lingerie shower, but any get together you may find yourself organizing. Throwing a party to remember isn’t something that has to be grandiose – it’s the details that make it worth remembering.

The Decorations

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Crown

I’ve seen the expensive, yet still plastic tiaras they sell at places like Party City and Hobby Lobby, but come on… who doesn’t love a great $0.99 tiara? I happened to have some toile in my craft box from a previous party, so I snipped long streamers of the toile and tied it around each crest of the crown. This was able to function as a decorating welcoming piece to the party as well as something functional for the bride-to-be during our night. C loved the tiara so much we carried it along with us to her bachelorette party and she was a great sport and wore it all night, until some overzealous cowboy took it off her perfectly styled head and put it on his own while he did some sort of distorted country jig. He ended up breaking the crown in his activities which prompted my bridesmaidzilla to scream at him, “You broke my friend’s crown!!!” and shake the broken pieces in his face. I digress.

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Pennant Banner

I think pennant banners are the cutest – you can use them for so many things! They’re nice because they can be incorporated into any party – whether it’s a children’s party or something more grown up, such as our lingerie shower. I found a template and used cardstock grade scrapbook paper I had in my crafting supplies. By hole punching the corners of each pennant, I strung each one together with a texturized string in an in and out fashion. The texturized string gives the paper something to grip to so you can separate them if you need and they don’t all slide together. I put some tape on the ends and taped them behind paintings I had on my wall for a clean look. The letters were freehanded, but there are several free templates for print and cursive letters you can find on the internet.


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Delicate Decorations

It’s a lingerie shower, so there has to be lingerie, right? Well, this was lingerie for decorative purposes only. There are several things you could do with this idea – a couple are:

1) Get each guest to bring one of their unmentionable items to hang up – the bride-to-be must guess which item belongs to which guest.

2) Have the bride-to-be open each of her gifts and hang them up as she goes – afterwards, take a picture for her to remember the evening by.

I chose to use some lingerie to use as part of the theme of the shower. All you need are clothespins. I decided to pin these from the blinds – it made for a good backdrop during gift opening time. Although, two males ended up coming by my house before the party (they didn’t come inside, but they both asked the question – “Are those bras hanging in the window?” Yes. Yes, they are.

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I can’t have a party post without my fellow hostess, Grace Kelly. As you can see, she was very busy resting for the night’s activities.

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A Memento

This was really the only purchase I bought, aside from the gift itself, that was a part of the party I didn’t do myself. I found this “adult sippy cup” at Hobby Lobby. The mustache is an inside joke and my friend, C, loves her bling and her adult beverages – this cup screamed her name. I think it’s important to have a couple of items that are very personal and that show you spent more than just a few trips to the Dollar Tree. It’s small gifts such as this one that tie together a memory with the fact that there will always be a part of your friendship that has grown and lasted through several phases of life.

Unfortunately, I was trying to snap pictures of everything in between baking/cooking and getting dressed/doing my hair/makeup, so I missed a couple of decorations. But, I have lots of links for these ideas, so hopefully that will suffice this time. I had a standard 4×4 folding table I bought one year at Rite Aid (of all places) that I used for the drink bar and gift drop off. I bought a standard white tablecloth ($1!) To pull the space together, I made several Pom Poms in various sizes and in the colors black and white – to match the invitations, of course. Pom Poms are suuuuper easy to make and not only that, they’re fun. Most of all have some tissue paper lying around. I suspended the poms from the ceiling using dental floss and white thumbtacks so they seamlessly suspend. Like I mentioned, I didn’t get a picture of my whole setup just because I was already trying to get everything together, but I was aiming for a look like this picture I pinned on Pinterest. And, I do think I succeeded. Perfection.

The Menu

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♥ Chocolate covered strawberries are a no brainer – they’re sexy, they’re easy to make, everyone loves them.

♥ A Taco Mix Up

          I didn’t want to make anything too complicated, but I wanted to have a substantial snack. I put several chicken tenders in water in the crockpot the morning of the shower and put them on Low for 9-10 hours. Once I drained the tenders, I shredded them using a hand mixer. In several bowls, I put out the shredded chicken, refried beans, shredded Mexican cheese, sour cream, and tomatoes. Instead of using taco shells, I bought tortilla chips. Simple, less messy and there is no wrong way to put these toppings together.

♥ A Cheese Ball!

          I love cheeseballs, guys. They’re so easy to make, people love them, you can throw all kinds of stuff together and it works great. Can’t go wrong. I looked through several recipes and just couldn’t find one that I liked, so I made my own. It’s extremely simple. Like 3 ingredients simple.

1 package of 8oz cream cheese (softened)

1 cup of shredded cheese (your choice, but I used Mexican)

2 tbsp. of garlic salt

1 cup of chopped pecans

In a bowl, use a hand mixer to mix the cream cheese and shredded cheese together until well blended. Add garlic salt and mix with hands. Shape into ball and roll in chopped pecans. Let chill for 30 minutes before serving.

♥ Grapes… with love

          If you have cheese (and wine), you have to have some grapes. But, classy grapes in a heart shaped glass bowl.

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♥ Chocolate cupcakes with Buttercream icing

          I used the same recipe for my chocolate cupcakes that I used to make the Mochaccino Cupcakes – except, I left out the coffee. These cupcakes are so dreamy and I loved the recipe so much I wanted to use it again without the extra kick of coffee. For the frosting, I used this simple but delicious Vanilla Buttercream frosting recipe – the chocolate cupcake recipe looks pretty amazing, too. That might be next on my to-try list.

 The Drinks

Most showers will consist of whatever adult beverages your bride-to-be enjoys, but I also wanted to include a menu of drinks for those that wanted other options. I had been dying to try Sugar Rimmed Mason Jars for sweet tea and this was the perfect opportunity. Instead of corn syrup, I mixed together sugar, a few drops of lime juice, and fresh strawberry juice (squeezed from the strawberries that didn’t make the dipping cut) onto a rimming plate.

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 Isn’t it pretty? Love!

I also made water bottle labels with C’s initials on them. The template can be downloaded a PDF or Word document and they were very easy to work with. I printed them out, cut them, and taped them on the water bottles with packing tape. I also imposed peacock feathers on the labels since C’s theme was peacocks. Super easy.

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After everyone had gotten some snacks and we opened gifts, the bride-to-be was put in the hot seat to play a few games. There are several games you can find online to play at showers, but I settled on three.

♥ The Question Game

          So. Much. Fun. For this game you have to do a little preparation ahead of time. Send several questions to your bachelorette’s fiancée and have him send his answers back to you. For example: “What is one piece of clothing (the bachelorette’s name) wants you to throw away?” On the night of the shower, ask the bride-to-be these questions… now, this is the fun part – for each one she gets wrong, she must take a shot (or put a piece of gum in her mouth.) Depending on the number of questions this game could escalate quickly. So, be prepared.

♥ Two Truths and a Lie

         Most women have played this game at least once in their life. It’s a fun game to get all the guests involved and swap some crazy stories. The guest with the most points (to guess which story is the lie) at the end of the game is the winner. This is a good time to incorporate a gift, if you so choose. I decided to have a gift wrapped and ready for the winner. It doesn’t have to be expensive – votive candles, body wash, nail polish, a gift card… use your imagination.

♥ Memory Lane

        Have each guest write down one or two memories she has shared with the bride-to-be and put them in a jar. The hostess will read each memory out loud and the other guests should guess which bridesmaid/guest shared this memory with the bride-to-be. Or, you can just read the memories out loud. This game opens the door for all kinds of story telling.

Throwing a party or shower is a lot of hard work – especially if you are like me and want everything to be perfect. No matter if you are on a budget or the sky’s the limit, remember that the memories are in the details and the more personal touches you put into your decorating and design, the more special it is.

The End.

how…

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can something you were so sure of be a complete lie? Surely some truth remains in the ashes – a hope, a spark. A spark to ignite a fire that can bring ruin? Or, a spark to light the way to freedom? Or, maybe everything was a lie… a delicately conceived plan to bring you to your knees by some stronger power than yourself. A power to rip you open and make you recreate yourself because without it, you would never know who you really are. It’s a dangerous thing – that thing called life. Love. Nothing is uncomplicated in this world.

she put on her shoes and ran

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Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up, it knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve. It doesn’t matter whether you’re the lion or a gazelle – when the sun comes up, you’d better be running. – Christopher McDougall

Most days, I feel like the gazelle – running from the ferocity of my thoughts and fears.

I started running at the end of the summer in 2013. I always wanted to run – I had the desire, but I was scared. I would see people running on the sidewalk on my daily drive back home from work, I would see people run on the weekends… Old people, young people. One thing they all had in common? They were free. To me, they looked like the most powerful creature I had seen with my own eyes. I doubted my own body and my own endurance. I ached to be free.

One of my best friends, C, was into running and made it seem doable – she gave me some good tips and we would run together sometimes. At the beginning, it was as hard as I thought it was going to be – I thought I was going to die. I knew I wouldn’t die, but it sure felt like it sometimes. When I first started, I was lucky if I could run for two minutes at a time. I started to run every day. I bought running shoes, running pants, running tops. I’m not going to buy stuff to wear if I’m not going to use it – so, obviously this was a serious endeavor if it was going to affect my wardrobe.

As the days grew shorter and my endurance grew longer, my friend, Z, had just come back from Colorado after being honorably discharged from the Military. He said he would run with me every day. And, that’s what we did. We ran in the rain, we ran in the freezing cold as the fall nights set in, we ran with our dogs, we ran alone… we just ran. He pushed me – when I needed to stop, he let me stop, but he encouraged me to push through it. I found that even if I was just “baby jogging” (going the pace slower than turtles through peanut butter – that’s a quote from somewhere) I kept moving. Z and I eventually ended our daily runs when I started running through the freezing temperatures in December and the pouring rain – apparently I’m a little more crazy than a military veteran.

While I love the times I get to run with my friends, the times I run alone are my favorite. The times I run alone are when my thoughts perfectly align – they stop being jumbled and confusing. Somehow, for thirty minutes or an hour, they make perfect sense. The times I run alone, I am strong, I am happy…  I am free. I have proven to myself that I have accomplished something I never thought I could do. Running has changed me. I started running during a period of my life that was incredibly painful – a period that still lingers – running has made me stronger not only physically, but mentally. Running has taught me discipline and determination. Running has freed me.

Today, I ran my first 5K. Next month, I’ll run another 5K and am in the process of training for a half marathon in April.

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{me & my friend C}

a Beautiful disaster

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So many questions, so many thoughts and finally, a resting place – a question to God…

“Do you think I’m unbreakable?”

Broken pieces – we’re all made up of them. Sometimes we cut ourselves on other people’s broken pieces, sometimes we cut ourselves on our own. I’m broken. I’m shattered. I’m a mess. I’m human. So many thoughts and words and feelings are a constant bombardment. Solace and peace is what I hope for. The itch to flee is ever present, lingering below the surface… slowly simmering and sometimes rising far enough to the top to boil over and make me burn on the inside. But, I can’t run away. Why? Because, somewhere deep down inside of me there is something growing. Hope. Sympathy. Empathy. Care. Love. Compassion. From my mistakes I am finding renewal. But, it’s hard. It’s harder than anything I’ve done before. I find myself facing the fire, feeling the heat and the burn and the pain and withstanding. No truer words were spoken than “two steps forward, one step back.” Most days, I think I have it together pretty well then I think God must look at me and think: “Silly girl… Let me show you more.”

My mom, in her wisdom and often in spite of my deep refusal to believe her, used to tell me so often “life is going to be hard, Patty Lauren.” Life. Is. Hard. I never wanted to believe her – because God gives us free will and I wasn’t going to be stupid enough to screw my life up. I got that one totally on lock. I’ve made mistakes – I’ve made them because I was young, because I was stupid, because I do take to heart that you shouldn’t regret anything, that even if you make a mistake it was right in that moment, etc. I’m a product of infiltration. I’ve done things against my better judgment, against my own moral compass, against what my mind was telling me… and, now I am facing the repercussions of my choices. You can’t see it by looking at me – I’m not the face of meth, I haven’t developed an eating disorder, I don’t self harm – at least, not on the outside. I’m still trying to wade through these deep waters – to come to terms with my feelings and what I think.

I never thought life could be so complicated. I never thought my life could resemble something I’ve read about or watched in movies. I feel like a loose barnacle that is just floating along, waiting for that next piece of solid stability to cling to. On those nights when the wind blows hard, the rain pelts the glass and the howl from outside numbs the feelings inside… the nights when your head is so heavy with thoughts that you wake up the next morning to a headache you are sure is caused by the words and emotions trying to escape your brain… the nights when there is no escape… Those are the nights you bleed from the brokenness.

{as always, all pictures are my own.}