Moonshine & Wanderlust

... a cosmopolitan view from a southern perspective

Landslide

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Almost 3 months to the day, I wrote a post called “bridges”… I wrote it after an evening spent with my past. In that moment of early daylight, I saw everything I thought I wanted. I had it… it was brief. But, it was tangible in some way.

“It’s a rollercoaster. It’s unpredictable. It’s not certain. It’s an exhaustive trek… to where? Maybe nowhere. Maybe to the best place you have ever imagined. You see, that’s part of the gamble when you find that perfect fit… there is a chance you will only be privy to what could be. But, there’s the chance that someday the timing of your life and the life you know you are destined for come together to change everything.”

Timing is a funny thing. I’ve always believed in timing. God’s timing, human timing – it’s significant in our life stories. I have found my life to have either really bad timing or really good timing. Unfortunately, timing is just a pinpoint on the map… it’s not the whole story.

This year started after two years of a timing ball… Sometimes things just feel right, even if they scare the living daylights out of you. I don’t normally take chances on those types of things, but I will tell you now… the story of taking a chance is always better than the “what if?” It can hurt you like hell and rip your heart open or it can be a new chapter, but it lets you know you’re alive. You’re human. You have the capacity to love, to hurt, to want, to be needed, to need… the things we’re not “supposed” to do because they make you vulnerable.

I’m not good at being vulnerable – for all the same reasons no one is “good” at being vulnerable. You lay yourself open. I’ve only done it a couple of times and it has hurt every time. It’s like that old scar story I told you all about waaay back at the beginning? Except it’s not a scar, it’s an open wound. Scars don’t hurt after awhile. They’re meant to remind you of where you came from and where you don’t want to go back to again. Wounds can heal, but being vulnerable doesn’t allow you to heal. Because, to be vulnerable you must be open. You must take the chance to be hurt, to hurt… to be bare. Would I take being open back? Not a chance.

The last paragraph of “bridges” says it all…

“So, until then… you wait. You work. You think. You persevere. You pray to God that you have another fiber to endure. You breathe. And, hope. For even if it is lost forever… oh, how lucky you were to have it for even just a moment.”

Ruin

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… Sitting in the airport in New York City after getting up at 4:30am to catch my shuttle. 

I went to the lobby this morning and I was standing in front of the big picture window when I heard, “Ma’am. Psst. Come here.” 

I turned around and the gentleman at the front desk motioned for me to come over and put his finger to his lips. I walked over him pointing to the counter next to him. I peered down into two boxes of pastries. They were beautiful. And, I could have my pick. 

Honestly, the last thing I want to do is be eating right now. But, it was a really sweet gesture and I figured I would need a little nourishment for the long day. What to pick? There were Bear Claws, huge muffins pecked with various fruits, powdered pastries, and croissants. I picked the croissant. The most plain and basic pastry in the bunch. I have chosen the fancy pastries before. I know they’re bad for me for many reasons, but they are beautiful. And, tasty. And, faced with a choice of the croissant or the drizzled Bear Claw that seems to glisten under the lights and call to your stomach… Why would you choose the unassuming one? 

I’m tired of choosing the fancy pastries. I am exhausted of chasing after what I think I want. This year has been such an eye opener already. It’s solidified feelings I was already having at the end of last year. I know what I want… I’ve had what I wanted. How many times do you get to say that? Not a lot, let me tell you. And, for the first time in a long time I have taken something good and thrown it into a wall like a China plate.

 … I typed a long analogy right here, but I deleted it. 

Last night, on our last night in the city, LM & I were having dinner at a restaurant that had a piano bar. There was this group of older folks playing and the woman in the red glittery top, her cropped gray hair swaying as she started her song… “It’s so important to make someone happy Make just one someone happy…” LM & I just kind of looked at each other and shook our heads with a little laugh. You know that look you give your friend when you’re both thinking the same thing. 

Happiness is an allusive light of magic. It comes at you with such blinding force sometimes it knocks you on your ass. And, before you know it, it can be gone again. 

Happiness is the croissant in the box of pastries…

…March Comes In Like a Lion…

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Delayed. Derailed. Out of (my) Control.

That’s how March has started off for me. This whole week has been one of derailment. Choices, actions, decisions, words said, words unsaid. There are always elements based on our controlled actions that have an uncontrollable outcome. Some good. Some bad. I’ve cried more in the past five days than I have in the past three months. Actions. Sometimes you get something really good, something you have needed, something you didn’t even know you needed, something you wanted for so long. something that is special… and you are so excited. And, *BOOM*. Actions. Roaring actions that derail the good thing. Time can’t be gotten back… days move on, you lose moments, you lose memories… you lose time. You spend those lost moments in the “what ifs”, but there is no going back. So, you wait. You wait for the delayed outcome. Is it good? Is it bad? It’s out of your control.

***

I share a lot with my readers. We relate. You give me feedback and encouragement. While March has been difficult, I’m going to share the part of the journey that has happened that helped put together this month and what I have been wanting to say and what has been going on in my heart. However, it comes as a (hopefully) humorous adventure…

I am currently sitting in the public library in Williamson, GA. Look it up. It’s basically a shed. Okay, that’s not true. It’s a really cute little house type place, but this is the smallest library I’ve ever been in. Why am I here? Because, I have no access to internet to blog except on my phone and the thought of typing all of this out on my iPhone made me cry again. Okay, that’s not true either but you get the gist.

So, WHY am I sitting in the public library using their internet writing a blog about how ferocious my week has been? Well, gentle reader… let me tell you.

At this point in time, I should have been having a delicate little meal in a hole-in-the-wall cafe with my friend LM in New York City. Instead, I am sitting here with a melting (but equally as delicious, I am sure) Frosty.

Three days in my favorite city with my friend with no plans but to eat, drink and be merry.

I started my journey to Atlanta this morning at 7am complete with a pit stop to Starbucks for a Venti Quad Shot WCM Latte (ie: something to get you in between vomiting and explosive diarrhea, but definitely guaranteed to give you shaky hands) – I have managed to do my hair, my makeup, dress nice, kiss the dog, text my loved ones, and cruise down the road listening to my carefully constructed “NYC Jams” Spotify playlist. I am keenly aware I am not as cool as I think I am, but a girl can dream.

I arrive at the Atlanta airport, get through security, and claim my spot. My plane is supposed to leave at 11:45AM. The time is getting closer… 11:12AM, 11:14AM… *dlerp dlerp* my phone starts buzzing with texts from family about an Atlanta airplane skidding off the tarmac at Laguardia. Actions.

Flight delayed. 12:15PM. Lagaurdia closed until 7pm. Flight cancelled. CANCELLED. Actions.

I’ve had flights cancelled before… it happens. It’s a part of life. Delays are a part of life. I waited and waited and waited to talk to someone. They didn’t have an answer. I was finally able to get another flight scheduled for tomorrow – awesome! It doesn’t get in until 11PM. Not so awesome. Derailment. Out of my control. Not the answer I wanted. Disappointment.

At this point, I am in full on “I am going to get this worked out mode”, but I feel the pressure inside of my body slowly rising. I feel that headache I’ve already dulled once today start creeping back into the back of my brain stem. Pushing. The tears are wanting to come, but I am on a mission. At least until I get a better answer.

I tote myself to the car rental… the first place I tried – out of cars. The second place – I got into some area that was not the line and then people starting cutting me in line. Third place – finally! I have been immeasurably blessed today with helpful people. I was able to get a good car for a good price and get on my way.

Sitting in the car, it happens. The frustration, the disappointment, the tired, the hurt… actions. I sit in my shiny, little black car that is clean and new and everything good and everything I had hoped… and cry. I cry for the day and I cry for a lot of other reasons, but it is an acute moment of heaviness and clarity – all at the same time.

Thankfully, I have family not far from Atlanta. And, lots of people to call me and text me and check in and tell me jokes (Why do you never gift a women a watch for a gift? Answer: There’s a clock on the stove!) LM has been sending me pictures of our beautiful view in our classic Midtown hotel. And, assuring me no matter when I am able to get to the City, we will make the most of it. Actions.

So, as I sit here time warped into 1996 with my public library internet usage and wrap up this adventure (for now!) I am focusing on the brutality of the delays, the derailments and having things out of my control. God is purposeful. Life is purposeful. Actions happen – whether bad ones based on our own inept moments of weakness or simply because they are “a thing” The lesson is to be learned in the derailment. Patience. Solidarity. Hopefulness. Thankfulness. Thankfulness for time to think about treasuring every good moment you are granted for they can be altered in sheer seconds or thankfulness for an altered path that leads to the same destination. Finding joy in the moments of “what next.”

Check in soon.

xoxo, patty lauren

…

“March roars in like a lion
So fierce,
The wind so cold,
It seems to pierce.

The month rolls on
And Spring draws near,
And March goes out
Like a lamb so dear.”

   – Lorrie Hill

The Foxes in the Vineyard

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I share a lot of personal musings and writings but one area I have not shared a lot of with you all is my faith. This is a lifestyle blog so my topics span a wide variety of topics. However, at the same time, since I do open parts of my personal life up it only seems natural to me to share one of the most important parts of my life. I promise more fun posts are coming, but these past few weeks of the New Year have been so significant in what I hope is the undoing of self and more of my God.

I found one of the most purely simple and beautiful worship songs this week – It’s from Audrey Assad and it’s called “Good to Me”

“Good To Me”

I put all my hope in the truth of Your promise
And I steady my heart on the ground of Your goodness
When I’m bowed down with sorrow I will lift up Your name
And the foxes in the vineyard will not steal myjoyBecause You are good to me, good to meI lift up my eyes to the hills where my help is found
Your voice fills the night – raise my head up to hear the sound
Though fires burn all around me I will praise You, my God
And the foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joy

Because You are good to me, good to me

Your goodness and mercy shall follow me
All my life
I will trust in Your promise

—
The lyrics are straightforward and uncomplicated – much how I strive for my faith to be. Some days I don’t even know if it’s as big as a mustard seed, but it’s there. Faith doesn’t have to be complicated, but oh how we complicate it so wholly and completely with our human nature.
The lines that popped out to me where “Though fires burn all around me I will praise You, my God And the foxes in the vineyard will not steal my joy.” I don’t know about you, but when I think of foxes I think words like “cute”, “sweet”, “fluffy”, “cuddly.”
In reality foxes are none of these things aside from fluffy. Foxes are wild. Foxes cause destruction. Foxes are cute packages that often bring harm. They steal the joy of our hard work, our dedication, our dreams, our plans, our love, our happiness…
We all have fires and foxes in our lives – some are small and some are astronomical, but they affect us all the same.
This year, don’t let the foxes ruin your joy. Don’t let the fires burn your perseverance and the remembrance that our God is in control.
xoxo,
patty lauren

The Companion That Never Leaves

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Brokenness. We are all broken in some ways. Broken at the actions of someone else. Broken when you made some mad decisions when you know you could have done better and stayed whole. Broken when you knew better. Broken at your own doing – sometimes that is the hardest break of all. When all you wanted was to help fix someone and got broken in the process. Seasons of brokenness can last far past the stages of moving on and healing.

Cracks remain and we find the feelings of inadequacy, fear, hurt, and loneliness seep through. We try to stop the cracks with a variety of methods – companionship, work, exercise, sleep, and for some harder methods for trying to stop the leaks.

If you’ve followed me this past year, you may remember my post last year about anxiety . Anxiety is very real. And, scary. And, when it rears its ugly head after a dormancy it can be crippling. Anxiety causes different reactions and feelings in different people. For me, I liken the feeling to being a caged animal pacing back and forth… back and forth, back and forth… all the while the cage is getting smaller and smaller.

I dealt with my high anxiety by running and going to therapy. It was an amazing few months. And, I learned things that are continuous reminders about how to deal with those moments that feel overwhelming. So why talk about it again?

Because, sometimes anxiety doesn’t go away. Sometimes you can’t just talk yourself down from it, run from it, talk through it, sleep it away… it’s there when you wake up, it’s there when you come home from your run and get into a hot shower and start to think, it’s there when you have repeated all of those key phrases to yourself to self soothe and reassure yourself.

Anxiety feels like an elephant sitting on your chest. Emotions that normally do not usually come easily flow from your body at their own will. Thoughts become jumbled. Concentration is easily broken. You feel so helpless.

But, you’re not helpless. There is always help and there is always hope. If you have found something that helps you cope with anxiety or moments of anxiety … don’t stop doing them. This is so important. I stopped running sometime last year because things were going “good” and I was happy. Big mistake.

My anxiety had taken a backseat. Backseat being the key word… it was still watching me, ready to find the first spot of weakness and blow up in my face. Luckily though, I have started back running and have signed up for a half marathon at the end of April. I’m committed to never stop running again for such a long period of time as long as I am healthy and able.

So, whatever soothes you… do that. And, do it often. Find someone to talk to that can understand what you are going through. Not everyone understands how anxiety works – they can belittle your feelings, emotions, and negate how very hopeless anxiety has the power to make you feel.

Know your triggers. All of my main triggers have been set off over the past couple of months and they have been firing on all cylinders. Hard. Every day. Sometimes all that comes out is tears. Sometimes the words are easy to write. Sometimes journaling gets me through. Running has been a huge outlet for me. And, doing something for someone else will always help you pull yourself out of the black whole of anxiety.

In life, we all have times and moments that overwhelm us – none of us are different in that regard. Let’s remember that with each other and be gentle with those around us for you never know what someone else is battling amidst this journey called life.

 

“Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength- carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” Corrie ten Boom