“Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.” Muhammad Ali

Normally I listen to music in the mornings while I’m getting ready – it gets me pumped up for the day and makes dancing around in the bathroom way more fun. This morning I got ready in the quiet and my mind was elsewhere – thinking about conversations, about goals, and about change. About painful change. About hurtful growth. Anything good does not come easy.

As I was thinking about all of these things I had this vision of a deep, dark, slimy, mud covered pit. Imagine yourself at the bottom of this pit and looking up toward the sky and at the edge of the pit is someone or something that keeps you in this dark pit. It could be a food addiction, a porn addiction, someone who betrayed you, someone who hurt you, fears of inadequacy, low self esteem – pick your opponent(s).

You have been trying for how long to climb out of this pit? Weeks? Months? Years? You find yourself climbing up to the top to get out, but your hands give out on the mud covered walls and you slip back down into the dark. You lie on your back and your opponent laughs at you. You have been defeated yet again. Worthless. Not good enough. You will never get out. Might as well give up trying, loser.

But, you want so desperately to get out of the pit. Maybe you think if you can come face to face with your opponent you can change the situation. You can bargain. I can behave better. I can be a good girl. I can put down that food that keeps me company. I can stop looking at photos that tear down not only myself but make women or men objects. I can repair this relationship. You long for reconciliation and repair in your life. So, you try again.

You climb harder this time. You get closer to the top. Your fingertips curl around the top of the ground and you start to lift yourself up. You turn to see how far you’ve come – you climbed so far! And, as you turn your face around toward the sun your opponent bends down toward you and takes their foot and kicks you as hard in the face as they can. Before you even know what is happening, you are flying backwards in the air – arms splayed and eyes full of fear until your back hits the bottom of the pit with a resounding crack and tears of defeat.

Some of us climb and climb and climb… and fall and fall and fall. We try tirelessly, beating ourselves up over shortcomings or words of hurt from the lips of people we love. We strive to fix things, we strive to get redemption. We all want to be redeemed. Redeemed from failures, redeemed from things we have been accused of, redeemed from addiction, redeemed from thoughts of self harm and feelings of worthlessness.

One day, you realize all that climbing, no matter how painful and how often you were defeated, has been strengthening you. You look down at your body and you are stronger. Your muscles are bigger, your hands grip stronger, the muscles in your legs are defined and hard. All that fighting – all that climbing – has made you a fighter.

So you make that last climb – you are mentally prepared, physically prepared, spiritually prepared – and as you reach the top and your opponent lifts their foot to kick you, you find yourself reaching up and as you propel yourself out of the pit you fling your opponent down into it.

You don’t stay to gloat. You don’t stay to say “I won!” You simply walk away. You have nothing left to prove. Nothing left to lose. You have become a warrior over your own demons. Warriors don’t look back – they fight, they defeat, and they move on to the next journey.

“I know what I’m capable of; I am a soldier now, a warrior. I am someone to fear, not hunt.”  The Rise of Nine

Last night’s sleep did not come easy. Despite a long day of work and three workout sessions put in and feeling amazing I found sleep elusive. I used to be a great sleeper – when I lived at home my mom would joke she could set off an explosive outside of my room and I’d sleep through it.

Those days are gone. Some nights are better than others. I’ve always gone through spells of needing dead silence or having a movie/radio on. Right now I’m in that phase of having a movie playing – it helps but last night I laid in the darkness and couldn’t find rest.

Sometimes you hear news that rocks your world. Breaks your heart. Shocks you. Angers you. I have always been fiercely loyal to people in my life, even if time causes a drift, I will always have your back. And, I’ll go punch someone’s lights out (or attempt to) if someone hurts someone I care about. But, sometimes your hands are tied and you can’t do anything. Can’t do anything but listen. Listen and be there. And, you listen and your heart breaks.

We have no idea what people are going through. People we are close to, people we have known for years, people we are just beginning to know – it doesn’t matter. We all harbor dark hurts and pain. And, sometimes, between two people those moments are exposed in a sacred exchange of trust. Even if you don’t have those moments that doesn’t mean they don’t exist – bubbling underneath the surface.

Perhaps they have been pushed down by pushing other people away, lashing out, or acting out in ways that are uncharacteristic or inappropriate. We can easily judge someone’s actions and pinpoint them as what “we” deem they are when in reality we have no idea. No idea the pain someone you care about has been harboring.

What’s that saying? If we all laid out our problems in a pile, we would pick ours back up? Truth is we all have things we have or are going through. Nothing changes that. What we can change is where we look. When we turn inward and focus on self, we miss the opportunities to listen to someone else. We miss the moments to share someone else’s hurt – to lift them up, to share testimonies… to just listen. Not everything in this world needs our response.

Be keen to the lives of those around you. Be open and receptive – time may have passed between two people but when you hold someone’s heart with yours it doesn’t matter the time gone – if you really, truly care about them. Sometimes the water under the bridge drifts away and you can see a new beginning. Because life is so short – it’s too short for unforgiveness and pain.