Moonshine & Wanderlust

... a cosmopolitan view from a southern perspective

10 Seconds

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Ten seconds. According to NPC rules, ten seconds is all a competitor is allowed to hit their poses and perform their routine while they are being judged. Months of hard work comes down to ten seconds which really feels like five seconds.

I stood on the platform waiting for the first class I was competing in to go out – and, as my luck would have it, I was the first competitor to step foot on stage. As I stood watching the girls before me leave the stage all the nerves I hadn’t felt until that point hit me. It was that good ol’ fight or flight response and every fiber of my body was saying, “Flight! Abort! Abort!” But, it was my turn – I took a big breath, slapped the biggest smile on my face I could muster, and stepped out into the bright lights.

I don’t know if I’ve ever shook so hard in my life. My lips were trembling so badly I was sure my smile had melted into something that looked like I was talking to myself. I hit my poses and just like that – my ten seconds was over. Ten seconds to make an impression, ten seconds to showcase the months of blood, sweat, and tears, ten seconds to justify eating tilapia and asparagus and being dehydrated…

Friday Morning

However, the weekend started long before Saturday morning. Friday morning my “posse” and I headed to Memphis after grabbing coffee with my Dad. My cousin, K, was sweet enough to drive us so I could prop up my legs and rest them.

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We stopped about five hundred times to take potty breaks and hunt for unsalted rice cakes. Being carb hungry and pretty much completely dehydrated I may have had a moment or two I got a little snappy. K was trying to find a place for us to go to the bathroom and she pulled into a Wendy’s – I’m pretty sure this is when I complained about the choice and she muttered under her breath, “Well, if you’ve gotta go so bad you shouldn’t be so picky about where we stop.” And, the other time she almost gave me a heart attack going through three lanes of traffic and I told her to stop and she half-screams, “I know how to drive!!” Lord help. Thankfully we had my friend, L, with us who was a mediator long enough for us to laugh about everything and get on with the day.

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We arrived at the hotel long enough to drop our stuff off and get over to the convention center for me to check in and get my number. I had a couple of hours to kill before my tanning appointment so I took my last shower for the next day and a half before heading to get sprayed. I also enjoyed smelling my Reeses brownies…

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Most Awkward Experience Goes To…

I’ve gotten maybe one spray tan in my whole life and I’m pretty sure nothing will hold a candle to what happened on Friday night. I purposefully made my appointment the last one of the day and thankfully there were only a couple of other girls in the room when it was my turn. The room we were getting sprayed in was full of black, pop-up tents. I stepped in one and was instructed to take my clothes off and put on a hair net. Cool. So, here I am getting buck naked facing tents full of other girls just as naked.

“Try not to make eye contact, try not to make eye contact.”

Once I was “ready” I went into another tent complete with a spotlight shining on me. The lady introduced herself and got started. Let’s just say you have to get into some preeeetty tricky positions to get all of your, um, areas tanned. One coat isn’t enough though – I went into my little black tent to dry before getting another round of awesome smelling liquid black grease sprayed on my body.

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After I was dry, L and K and I headed to the most ghetto Walmart to get some necessities (aka: makeup that would match my new ethnicity) before calling it a night.

Of course I couldn’t go to sleep without marveling at my color in the bathroom mirror for about twenty minutes. It was becoming all too real at this point.

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Athlete Status

Saturday morning came quickly and I was up at six AM to do my hair and makeup before heading over to the convention center for our athlete meeting. I understand a lot of people didn’t or haven’t seen my competition as serious but there is no doubt that bodybuilding is a sport. I just happened to pick a sport I get to wear a fun uniform and jewelry and shoes for. There is nothing glamorous or sexy about competing, I assure you.

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When you’re standing in a line of girls getting your backside rolled with a mini foam roller to fix any marks that occurred while you were trying to use the restroom is not glamorous. Or, getting your bikini bottom glued to your glutes. Or, getting “glazed” – aka: having oil rubbed all over your body. Or, lying in the floor with your feet propped up against whatever you can find so your legs don’t swell. Or, eating ten thousand rice cakes. Or, being dehydrated.

Show Time… Almost. Not Yet. Okay… Now!

I had “met” a fellow competitor through Instagram several weeks before the competition. E was a competitor from Memphis and we had exchanged messages several times leading up to show day. I was so excited to finally meet her in person! We had the best time wandering around the convention center together practicing our posing, we helped each other get ready, and it was really awesome to have someone else there with me who was going through the exact same thing. We became instant friends and I have no doubt we will continue to be friends and hopefully compete together in the near future!

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Competing is a lot of “hurry up and wait” – I knew this before but it is so true. Bikini is usually the last division to go on at a competition so while prejudging started at 9am, we didn’t go on until 11:30am.

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This gives plenty of time to meet the other girls which was one of my favorite parts of the experience. I met so many amazing girls. Women are almost groomed to be catty to each other, but I have never met more helpful and supportive girls who are, in essence, competing against each other. It’s like everyone realizes we are in this crazy world together and we are supportive and happy for each other, genuinely, at what each accomplishes and achieves.

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10 Seconds

After getting my ten seconds in the spotlight, literally, prejudging was over and it was time to head back to the hotel for a nap. I already knew that morning how I had placed, but nothing is “official” until the evening show. Was I disappointed I didn’t do better? Of course. Was I sad about it? No. I knew going into the day what were my weak points and I had the opportunity to talk with the judges at the end of the night and get notes and they reaffirmed what I already knew. I was thankful for the feedback because I know exactly what I need to work on, build, and improve before competing in my next show.

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We came back to the convention center later that evening and had another athlete meeting. It was really cool to hear the head judge talk about us being there to compete against ourselves. We were there to be better, to beat our former selves, to improve ourselves, and to possess good sportsmanship no matter what the outcome. That pep talk just reaffirmed what I love about this new found lifestyle – that I am only competing against myself and to be better than I was yesterday.

Warning: Trophies are Heavier Than They Look

At the evening show, the rest of my cheering squad arrived. The night show was a little different in that we got to do our routine again – not for judging purposes but just to have fun.

I walked out and immediately spotted my friends complete with signs that said, “GO PLT” and “After this, we eat all the food!!!!” Although, I admit when I looked at the last sign I thought it said “donuts” not “food.” Ha!

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The music was pumping and the auditorium was full. We also went out onto the stage alone. In prejudging, your whole class is out on the stage with you. At the evening show, you go out alone and do your routine. This time, I wasn’t nervous at all. I was excited and proud and elated I had committed to this enormous goal for myself and I had completed it.

When I received my trophy, I bent down to pick it up and honestly thought it was going to be a lot lighter than it actually was. I’m pretty sure I took a little step backwards when my finger missed picking it up from the floor. Whew. A hundred pictures later with my fellow competitors and friends and family, we headed to the most important event of the night… EATING!

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And, now… We Feast

My friend L had made me the most amazing, mouth water Reeses brownies to eat after the show so I enjoyed chowing down on those before running (literally) the streets of downtown Memphis trying to find Rendezvous before they closed at 11pm. The first thing I wanted was WATER. I hadn’t had water since Friday afternoon and to say I was thirsty would be an understatement. I’m pretty sure I drank six glasses before the appetizer came. Water and rolls were my first priority. I hadn’t had bread in months and nothing ever tasted so good. Well, besides those brownies.

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After dinner we took a little stroll dance down Beale Street for a cultural experience. I really didn’t want the weekend to end. This had been one of the biggest accomplishments of my life and I was riding a high unlike any other. It was hard to go to sleep that night but sleep came because I knew the sooner I went to sleep the sooner I would be able to get up in the morning and eat PANCAKES.

After I took off my jewelry and peeled off the fake eyelashes and washed the sixteen layers of tan off my body, Laurel gave me a package. I opened it up and inside she had had made a trophy just for me. The engraved plate read: “Congratulations. First Bikini Competition. October 24, 2015.” She didn’t want me to go home empty handed in case I didn’t place and she wanted me to remember this special day. I could not have asked for a better friend. That trophy will mean more to me than the heavy gold cup that reads “4th Place”. That trophy is the one that encompasses all of the feelings that led up to October 24th – seven months after I started a new life.

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Waking Up A Competitor

Before Saturday, I could only say I was going to be a competitor… but, when I woke up Sunday morning I could say I was a competitor. I had competed. I was an NPC athlete. The girls and I got ready early and K and I had an impromptu dance party in the room… my favorite kind of party.

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I had been grateful to have my people with me the whole weekend but it was in that moment of carefree abandon and fun that I was especially thankful. That even if I had left without anything in my hands, my heart and life were full because I had people in it that loved me for me and that were some of the most wonderful people on this earth. That nothing was the end but a new beginning. You can put a placing on love or your friendships.

We made one final stop to eat at this gourmet pancake house called “Staks” – ya’ll. I had Oreo Praline pancakes and a Toasted S’more latte. The pancakes had cream cheese filling. Ya’ll. I can’t. They were the best things I had ever tasted. Unfortunately, I could only eat half of them before I had to tap out. I tried though.

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We jammed all the way back home and I arrived back home a new woman. I feel like I can do anything. I know I can do anything. I completely changed my life – not without the help and support of all of my friends and my family and my fitness inspirations, but I chose to change. I chose to get up every day and grind 100% and never, ever give up.

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It’s only gets better from here.

Until next time… xoxo, patty lauren

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

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What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.
As of today I am 9 days away from my competition. I’ve talked about this a lot before but when I first started getting into shape, etc. my goal was never to compete in a fitness competition. I came into training at a time in my life where I was struggling and knew I had to take control and change my life. I say that to say this is not the end of anything – I’ve had a lot of people ask me if I’m going to “go back to normal” after this or “what’s next?” It’s funny because this is my new normal. I definitely won’t be pounding out 3 gym sessions a day after next weekend, but I’ll still be there every day working just as hard. I will just have different priorities and that feeling feels so good.
It feels good to accomplish a goal… and while I’m still not quite there yet, after 17-18 weeks of prep 9 days feels like nothing. I am so excited about life and what’s coming up and I’m not going to lie – I’m really excited about not prepping for awhile. Not just because of that $94 worth of pizza being shipped from Chicago (ya’ll, I don’t play with my pizza) but because prep is like a mini battlefield – emotionally, mentally, physically. My body and mind need a reset to get stronger.
Recently I had a few friends over for some impromptu pumpkin painting (trying saying that five times fast) – which is right up my alley. I love hosting, I love having parties – small, big. I enjoy making things pretty for other people and having a nice presentation. That was what Moonshine & Wanderlust was born out of – a love of life and lovely things. And, while some priorities have shifted that aspect will never change. When my friends came over I wanted things to be as nice as they could even for a painting party. So, of course – I had to bake. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t bake something. I think people have felt weird at times eating around me or bringing food around me but honestly it really doesn’t bother me. I really appreciate those who get this – they act normal and don’t treat me like I’m being weird. They’re not doing what I’m doing but they respect it and they just don’t make it an issue.
Would I like to eat my homemade pumpkin snickerdoodle bars or hot chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven? Yeah, of course. But, right now I can’t. And, that’s okay. I have prepped for 17ish weeks but I have been on a pretty restrictive eating regiment for 7 months and there are a lot of things I haven’t eaten at all in that time period. Ya’ll, I haven’t had sweet tea in 6 months. SIX MONTHS. Who am I. What is my life. Am I even Southern anymore? Sigh. So, while I would like to think I could hammer some cookies or snickerdoodle bars the reality is I can’t do that anymore. I’m going to have to be really careful how and what I reintroduce to my body and do it in a slow way… but, cookies will be had. No worries.
It’s kind of become a joke with certain things being “Patty Circa 2012” – if that Patty had been in a kitchen full of those things at that time in her life half of it would probably have been gone. For a few years I was a heavy binge eater. I went through phases of eating a lot and then not eating, etc. It was so unhealthy. I wondered why I didn’t lose weight, I wondered why I had low energy, I wondered why I felt tired all of the time. So of that was attributed to some medical things but most of it was the way I treated my body and that was badly. So, here I am – 40 lbs lighter eating 5-6 times a day in contrast to being 40 lbs heavier eating 1-2 times a day.
Part of me really doesn’t like calling this whole life change a “journey” because at this point this is my life full time. I’m in the best shape of my life and I’m not really looking to lose any more weight – I threw my scale away at home (I think I’ve mentioned this before) so I don’t focus on numbers anymore. As far “what’s next?” – that’s probably what I’m most excited about (besides pizza). But, I am waiting until after my competition to share any news! So, look for that blog soon!
So, no I will not be going “back to normal” because my normal was unhealthy. I was incredibly unhappy with myself and that flowed over to every part of my life. I made changes in my life and did new things but I couldn’t really live until this year. It has undeniably been the best and at times, hardest, year of my life. I’m going to be really sad to tell thirty goodbye in many ways because that was the year I really felt like I was born. But, it’s all up from here.
until next time… xoxo, patty lauren

From the Outside

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Sometimes it’s possible to be both happy and whole, yet struggle with recurring thoughts of sadness or feeling broken. I think we tend to forget that as outsiders looking in on someone else’s life at times. They can seem to have it all together, everything is going good, the pieces are falling together, they’re genuinely happy… Yet. We don’t see them when they are alone, we don’t see their thoughts or hear their cries… because all we see is the outside.

Sometimes you can be so far removed from your past hurts and you can feel like you are fine but inevitably you realize you’re a little weaker than you thought or a little more sad than you want to admit. It’s in those moments you doubt yourself. You doubt your progress, you doubt your abilities, you doubt your sanity (maybe that’s just me) and quickly you find that instead of feeling full of all of the good things you have in your life you are feeling full of insecurities, sadness, doubt, second guessing, hopelessness.

So what do you do? It’s almost like a pendulum… you can stay swinging in these feelings that are a temporary cloud over you and something that is no longer your reality but a reminder or you can swing back to reality. It’s hard though sometimes, you know… we like to sit with reminders, even if they hurt us. Because, why? Because they’re comfortable. Because they’re familiar. Because maybe we were in that period of time for so long anything other than that feels foreign and so for a time we like to sit in the familiarity of hurt and sadness simply because there was a time we were so conditioned to exist in that sphere it actually feels good even though it is hurting us.

I don’t like admitting when I have these moments but for me it’s important to share them. For one, I know a lot of people think my life right now is super glossy and fabulous and unicorns live in my basement. And, that’s just not so. Grace Kelly is cute and everything but she is no unicorn. Secondly, I know a lot of people that read this or know me are going through big life changes, too… or they are trying to. And, it’s so important to remember that yes these new journeys are worth every bit of fight but they are going to be moments when you are going to feel like you did six months ago, a year ago… ten years ago. But, it is okay. Because, it’s temporary. You are moving forward. You are changing. You are no longer who you were before.

The feelings are always the same when I have these moments. The biggest one is feeling like I’m not good enough. Especially when I see certain things and I find yourself comparing or thinking about past situations – it’s a really horrible feeling. It’s horrible because it makes me truly sad but it’s also horrible because I know it’s a lie and it’s not reality. I know what I’m worth, I know what I bring to the table, I know where I’ve been and how I’ve changed and who I am now, I know how hard I’ve worked, I know what I have to offer… etc. etc. etc. I know these things but a single moment can cause me to doubt every single one of these things. Temporarily.

So, know that it doesn’t always have to be perfect. You don’t always have to be one hundred percent happy and flying over rainbows – even if you are truly happy! You are going to have days that make you feel like you have done nothing to better yourself. You’re going to have reminders for the rest of your life about times that make you sad. It’s inevitable. But, you keep moving on… you trust that you have grown enough and you are continuing to grow and you find yourself staying in those moments of reminders less and less.

 

 

Push It

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If you follow me on Instagram (also, I’m back on Twitter – follow me!) you may have seen me post about last week being difficult. Which, being on a competition prep (or going through any very rigorous/disciplined chapter) that’s to be expected. I’ve had lots of really great weeks with some difficult ones the past 15 weeks but last week was especially rough. I was having major doubts about my abilities, I felt like I wasn’t seeing the progress I wanted, I was becoming discouraged, etc.

On Thursday I was in the midst of my training session doing plyometrics and I just lost it. I was face down on the carpet bawling my eyes out. I’ve posted about crying during workouts before and I had someone tell me, “working out isn’t something to cry about” and that it wasn’t that serious. That kind of caused me to want to be reserved about sharing the difficult days I go through but you know what? Getting in shape is DIFFICULT. Anything you are 110% committed to is not going to be easy. It’s painful and it’s a commitment to make strides every day – to make good choices, to do it when you don’t feel like it, but most importantly – to never give up. I am so serious about what I am doing that I do have a lot of feelings about it and contrary to what a lot of people think, I do have other things going on in my life, too. I watched Ronda Rousey’s interview on The Ellen Show recently and she talked about how she cried a lot – because of how much work goes into preparing for a fight and it’s an emotional thing for her. When you’re so involved in what you do, you put everything into it and sometimes you cry. It’s cool. That’s all I gotta say about that!

A lot of this I can attribute to the roller coaster of being on prep and hormones, etc., but there was something to be said for last week. It really almost broke me. I knew the feeling was going to be temporary but when you are in that head space it is all you see. Something good to come out of those moments when I was being really hard on myself. Despite feeling like I hadn’t made any progress we checked my BF % on Thursday and it had gone down again. Progress. And, then the weekend happened. I was beginning to feel myself even out a little bit more and as per the usual, I was taking progress pictures and I noticed a huge change (to me) in my body. I can’t tell you how excited I was. I fought through that hard week of feeling like I hadn’t made any progress only to realize I really had made huge progress. You see, this has always been way more about losing weight. “Don’t blow away,” everyone says. It’s not about being skinny. It’s about building a new body. It’s about shedding the old me. It’s about being healthy.

Being fit and healthy isn’t about a number on a scale. In fact, I threw my scale away months ago. I weigh myself every few weeks with my trainer but that’s it. Other than that, I don’t look at a scale. A number doesn’t define me or tell me how well I’m doing or show me true progress. It’s not about fitting in a certain clothes size or being accepted or being desired. It’s about being me – 100% me. This is who I’ve always been meant to be. I have absolutely no doubt about it – whatever clicked inside of me this spring caused a tidal wave of change to rush over into every area of my life. I’ve had moments of blissful happiness, but they’ve not been of any credit to myself – this time I am happy because I am happy with myself.

If you’re happy with yourself then that’s what matters. We all don’t have to be the same. We all don’t have to have the same goals or strive toward being in what each of us deems “in shape.” Life isn’t a competition. I’ve had friends tell me they were jealous and that has left me feeling really strange. My life isn’t anything to be jealous of – I have my own skeletons and issues just like everyone else. I work hard – very hard – at something I am passionate about. I do have a great life but we all have things in our life that make it amazing… we just so often focus on others’ greatness we forget about our own.

When you think you can’t go on – you can. When you think it won’t make a difference – it will. When you think you’re the only one going through it – you’re not. When you feel like giving up – don’t. Those are when you get the “Aha!” moments, the moments you have been working so hard towards pay off, the moments when you get a second (or third or fourth) wind, the moments when you feel the difference. Those are the moments worth the sacrifice.

 

Put Me in Your Pocket

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Time brings a lot of things. It brings healing. It brings closure. It brings change. It also brings clarity. If we allow ourselves to be open to being refined, time can sharpen our views of what we look for in life. I have been closed off to a lot of things the past several months – much to the credit of being super focused on getting in shape and more recently prepping for my fitness competition. I haven’t had to “deal” with certain aspects of life… and, it’s been really nice. It’s been nice to just focus on something that, while is about myself, is also outwardly focused. I’ve met new people and I’ve participated in a lot of outside activities and I’ve pushed my limits. I’ve not been alone in doing these things and it’s been a good growing and learning experience.

While I have undoubtedly not been alone, I am very much alone in life right now. If that makes any sense. I go home alone every night. I go to sleep alone. I wake up alone. My home is full of love and happiness, but I. Am. Alone. And, you know what? That’s okay. I’ve always been someone who has been okay with being alone. It’s not something I really sit around and cry about (not that I haven’t before, but those are rare occasions). There have been moments in my life I haven’t been alone… very specific time spans in my life and those are the moments that make me miss that feeling. What feeling is that? The feeling of being safe.

Merriam-Webster defines safe as: “secure from threat of danger, harm, or loss” – those are such comforting words. Secure. Safe from danger, harm… secure from being lost. Time and experience give us the remarkable gift of clarity. Clarity to say, “This is what I want” or “This is what I don’t want” or even “This is what I need.” We all have our deal breakers, our nonnegotiable, our “must haves.” We learn the skill of compromising but there are always those couple of things we know we need to be happy yet we often settle without them because we’re getting older or because our friends are getting into relationships or married or having babies or we are lonely. We are a society of settling. When I was younger I used to think my “must have” was someone who was going to be successful and “do things” in life – to go places and live big. Looking back now, if I had settled for those things (which are wonderful and by no means are settling for a lot of people) I would be a very miserable woman right now.

Instead, I have come to a place in my life where I realize those “must haves” were really just cheap imitations of what my true non-negotiable is – safety. I thought safety meant success. Success = safety. Sure, success does play a part in feeling secure but there is so much more to security than money or success. Safety is more than an action – it’s a feeling. Usually we hear it the other way around – something is more than a feeling, it’s an action. But, not always. We all have pictures in our mind of what this can look like. As long as I live my picture of my must have… my “safety” feeling will be forever ingrained in my mind. It will be a perfect moment that encapsulates that feeling of safety. It’s a moment that’s mine forever. That feeling for me, unless it’s as comforting and secure and safe… nothing else can touch it. What does this mean for me? Who knows… probably a long time of being alone. But, in a world where we settle for so much… some things you just can’t settle for. No matter how “right” they appear or how it good it looks on paper or how everyone approves or how awesome every other part of it may be… You can’t put a price tag on that “thing” that makes everything else dim in comparison.

So, while the world around you settles down and makes decisions based on facts and numbers instead of feelings and instincts… while you watch everyone else fade away into new lives and you are still making your own… while you have moments where coming home alone again and turning on the lights only to turn them off again as you slide into a cold bed and one more night like that seems almost unbearable… remember that that thing you need – the thing that makes you think, “Oh… yes… there you are.” It exists. I promise. I know. It’s there… somewhere. You just simply have to be patient enough to wait. Wait for it to find you in the darkness – where your light is the beacon that leads it to you. Your must have. Wait for it… it’s coming.

 

until next time… xoxo, patty lauren